Not at Hogwarts
by aspenandeleen150
Summary: Luna, Ernie, Hannah, Seamus, Nott, Fred and George have detention with Professor Trelawny but when the unsuspecting teacher leaves the room, the students band together and come up with a plan that will put them down in Hogwarts History.
1. My Balls Are Made of Crystal

**A/N: Wothcer all! Hey, it's two of your favorite author's back and collaborating on a parody that will blow your minds. This is eleen and dracoaspen and we're hoping to attract some new readers but also some old ones. Personally, we do not own any of these characters; they belong to J.K.R. and we did not make the icons in which this fic is based but huge respect to whoever did. Some chapters will be written by an author seperatly and some will be us working together. You can probably tell by our fav characters who wrote which but we'll leave that for you to decide. Well, we have both taken a short break from our previous fics because of our end of term exams but that won't stop us for long. We'll be giving updates all summer...Hope you enjoy it...**

150 THINGS I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT HOGWARTS

Luna Lovegood, Ernie MacMillian, Theodore Nott (who will be referred to by his surname cause we're Slytherins and cool that way), Hannah Abbot (who is now a wild, horny ditz), Seamus Finnigan (because he's Irish) and Fred and George Weasley (because you need the two best pranksters for the plot of this fic) have detention.

Hannah and Ernie sat lazily accioing cards back into a stack. Luna was staring dreamily at the ceiling, swinging her feet. Seamus was clapping erasers much more elegantly than Nott who looked like he had been attacked by a bag of flour. And Fred and George were returning the crystal balls back to normal, and had long given up singing "Weasley is our King". All was quiet until Fred dropped a crystal ball.

"Bullocks!" He exclaimed as he bent down to retrieve the glowing orb.

"So, how come you two are in here?" Seamus spoke for the first time all evening.

"Bewitched the crystal balls." George said as he strode over to where Seamus was sitting. "Trelawny never noticed a thing…"

"Until Malfoy complained about seeing disturbing images of Harry running through the halls sky clad." Fred finished.

"So that's why my appearance looked ugly like Granger." Hannah said apparently clueing into the unobvious fact that she was pretty.

"Watch what you say about Hermione." George blurted. Hannah looked taken aback.

"So how about you Seamus? What landed you in Trelawney's grasp?" Fred asked curiously.

"I stepped on her shawls and the old bat accused me of doing it on purpose." Seamus began. "It's not my fault she tripped down the stairs; she should have been watching her footin' more carefully."

"What about you Luna?" George asked breaking the bespeckled girl's gaze.

"I said that I saw a heliopath in my tea leaves." She replied dreamily.

"What the bloody hell is a heliopath?" The others blurted in unison.

"They're spirits of fire who burn everything in their path." She stated excitedly.

"That's a forest fire." Seamus said blandly.

"They ar-" Luna began to retaliate but Fred cut her off.

"Moving on…" He glanced over at Hannah and Ernie who were picking up some tarot cards. "What did you two do? Knock over a stack of cards?"

"Well I was building a house…" Hannah started.

"But your stupid creation hit me in the back of the head!" Ernie explained.

"So? It doesn't give you an excuse to throw cards at me!" She whined.

"Well we would have been fine if you hadn't jinxed the cards and they started chasing Trelawny around the classroom." Ernie protested.

"It was an accident!"

"Least you didn't call her a mudblood." Commented Seamus shooting a glance at Nott.

"That's a pretty big word for such a little man." Fred said darkly.

"She predicted my death!" Cried Nott. "Three times!" brandishing three bony fingers at him.

"Calm down," Said George. "No need to use your squeaky voice…"

There were a few moments of silence.

"I hate that crazy old bat." Muttered Seamus.

"I hate this place," Said Hannah. "It's so dark…"

"And happy." Said Nott. "All rainbows and sunshine…nothing ever happens."

"We could always change that." Said Fred.

"We could." Agreed Seamus.

"It would have to be big." Said George.

"And loud." Continued Fred.

"Go down in Hogwarts History!" Called George jumping up onto a circular table, wand and crystal ball still in hand.

"Doesn't this build up just make you want to break out in song and dance?" Cried Nott from across the room.

The others stared.

"No one?" Asked Nott weakly.

"Ok…" Said Hannah.

"We'll have to break some rules." Said Seamus.

"There are a lot of rules." Piped up Ernie. "I would know, I've read them all."

"But there are some rules that are unwritten…" Said Fred.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Asked George.

"We couldn't." Said Hannah. "We could get into so much trouble."

"This coming from the girl who turned a harmless deck of cards into a man-eating…" Ernie began.

"Teacher-eating." Supplied Luna.

"Teacher-eating," Ernie corrected himself. "Flying swarm of evil!"

"You're right." Reconsidered Hannah. "Screw it, I'm in."

"Luna, how about you?" Fred gestured her way.

"Sure, it could be fun. Maybe we could also include crumple horned snorkack. Perhaps they could come in handy." She said still in her trance like state.

"Right…" The others replied together.

"Nott?" Seamus raised an eyebrow.

"Why did you even bother asking? On any occasion have you ever seen a Slytherin give up an opportunity to cause trouble?"

"Well I guess that's everyone…" George started.

"Wait a moment, Ernie didn't agree." Seamus noted.

"Er, you lot go ahead. I'm a prefect; I could get into a lot of trouble." He said nervously.

"Urgh, come on Ernie, I'm a prefect and I'm doing it!" Hannah whined.

"If he's uncomfortable doing this he doesn't have to." George said.

"Yeah, he can be the judge!" Fred stated.

"OK, what do I have to do?" Ernie asked suspiciously.

"Make sure everyone stays in line and decide who wins." George noted.

"How do you win?" Nott asked.

"Honestly, are George and I the only smart ones around here?" Fred said throwing his hands up in the air.

"You break the most rules!" George shouted.

"What rules?" Luna asked.

"Anyone who's anyone knows that there are one hundred and fifty unwritten rules of Hogwarts that are not to be broken under any circumstances no matter how dire the need." recited Fred.

"So much for that." smirked Nott.

"I've heard of those," Began Luna "Is that the one where we poke Hufflepuffs with spoons?"

"Sure is."

"What!" yelled Ernie. "No one is poking me with a spoon!"

"Calm down, Ernie." Said Hannah.

"Yeah, it's only spoons." Said Nott, "Bloody Hufflepuff." He muttered under his breath.

"Hey!"

"Enough!" Called Fred.

"Yeah, stop the madness you bunch of sods." Said George. "Look, if you don't know the rules we'll explain them to you but since it's only the judge who seems to be clueless, upon our return we'll tell him the rule he broke and he can keep score."

"Or in this case frogs." Fred said gleefully.

"Frogs?" Hannah repeated looking disgusted.

"Sure. We will each have a jar that will get a chocolate frog added when we break one of the rules…" Gorge said.

"And then at the end we get to eat them!" Fred exclaimed.

"Dibs on the cards!" Yelled Seamus.

"I declare this the first meeting of the – the – the- the us." Declared Ernie.

"That was lame."

"I know." Sighed Ernie.

"Anyway….once we leave this classroom, the fun begins."

"No one poke me with spoons!" Cried Ernie brandishing his wand.

"Calm down, no one has spoons anyways." Reassured Fred.

"Speak for yourself." Said Luna, receiving a look of pure terror from Ernie.

(Where's Trelawny? Why has she left them alone? Has she gone off drinking?" Doesn't matter.)

"So everyone meets back here," Said Fred.

"Where it all began,"

"Once we've all,"

"Danced the time warp,"

"In the Great Hall!"


	2. Poke The Bees

**Rule #1: I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are covered in bees.**

The following day in Care for Magical Creatures class, Luna decided that she was ready to break her first rule. That day, Ravenclaw had class with Hufflepuff just as she was hoping…

Hagrid had begun his lesson in the usual boring way, describing the creature in which they would be learning about; today unfortunately was the flobberworm. _Horrible little creatures _Luna thought to herself. It would do us more good to learn about something really dangerous like a heliopath. As he dragged on with his lesson Luna slowly reached into her pocket for her weapon. Carefully, she extracted a shiny, silver spoon. She walked slowly over to where Justin Finch – Fletch was taking notes and then all of a sudden…

POKE!

"What the-" Justin began as he turned around but Luna was already gone.

Moving onto her next victim, Susan Bones, who was paying close attention to the notes, gave a shriek of terror as the cold metal hit her neck.

"Ah!" She said looking quickly around spotting Luna heading towards Eleanor Branstone. "Luna…what was that for?" She whispered.

"Shhh…" Luna silenced the awe struck girl as she continued down the line of students dressed like bees. After hitting Zacharias Smith, Laura Madly, Owen Caldwell and Rose Zeller, she was onto her final victim…

She weaved her way in and out of the crowd until she found Ernie staring dreamily at Hannah. Without warning…

POKE!

"Ah!" Ernie yelled in dismay. "Luna!"

"Wha' was tha' Ernie?" Hagrid asked stopping in mid sentence about the flobberworm's eating habits to address his screaming pupil.

"Er, nothing Professor." Ernie said with a tone of fear.

"All righ' then…" Hagrid said before continuing on his rant.

Once more Luna poked Ernie in the arm with her spoon.

"Ah!" Ernie yelled again. "Honestly Luna, will you stop it?"

"I thought you had a bee on you." She replied earnestly.

"You know you're not getting a frog for that right?" Ernie said sternly.

"But why not? I broke a rule…" Luna Protested.

"Yes, but you poked me with a spoon!"

"What's wrong with spoons?"

"They're scary!" Ernie shuddered.

"Fine then, don't give me a frog, but at least tell me what's with you and Hannah. I saw you ogling at her a couple of times this class.

"Nothing! Just leave me alone!" Ernie cried.

Luna gave him one last look before returning to the reality of the lesson.


	3. Crikey!

Hannah knew she had to act. Loony had already one-upped her by poking her friends with spoons. Stupid crazy bitch! Thankfully they were in Care for Magical Creatures class, and the second rule was perfect for what they were studying…

"Crikey!" Yelled Hannah jumping on the work bench where her fellow class mates were sorting lettuce. "Today we will be hunting the rare and dangerous albino flobberworm!"

The class stared.

_Don't lose your nerve girl; you can do this,_ thought Hannah.

"You may be asking yourselves, what is a flobberworm?" She hollered at Justin. "They are a man-eating…"

"Teacher-eating…" Said Ernie.

"- monsters! Kill you as soon as they look at ya!"

The class snickered and forgot about the lettuce.

"There!" Called Hannah pointing at a lo flobberworm. "The rare albino flobberworm!" She jumped off the table and picked up a stick. "Now everyone, quiet! We have to approach it very carefully…" She slowly approached the four inch flobberworm, stick outstretched. "Now we poke it, just so…" Hannah lifted the flobberworm on the end of the stick. "Isn't she a beauty?"

The class once again just stared.

"Aaagghhh!" Screamed Hannah as she jabbed the flobberworm at Justin.

"Eeeeeeh!" Justin screamed at the top of his lungs sounding much like a first year girl.

The class erupted into laughter.

"Nice one Hannah!" Ernie yelled from the back of the crowd. He extracted a small jar out of his inside pocket which grew to an enormous size and dropped in a solitary chocolate frog.


	4. Halucinigen Hallucinations

Disclaimer: First off we would like to say aspen and eleen or this site in NO WAY condone underage wizards or muggles (or of-age if you like) growing illegal substances or administrating them to oblivious others, especially at a school. In others words: Don't try this at home, or you will be arrested.

Rule #3: Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

Fred and George were in the library doing research for their extra credit Herbology project. To their dismay, they were the only ones there, so disturbing the peace was not an option.

"This assignment sucks…" Fred said out of boredom.

"I know." George replied. "Who does Sprout think she is failing us?"

"It wasn't our fault the puffapods began exploding around her desk."

"Yes it was."

"Whose side are you on?"

"Ours…but we did throw them at her."

"That's true; but you have to admit that her reaction was wicked." Fred stated while he imitated the gobsmacked professor.

They continued siphoning through books until something caught George's eye.

"Hold on…look at this one,"

"Illegal Muggle Plants…" Fred recited shooting a sly look at George. "You're not thinking…"

"Only if you are…" George replied.

"They began scanning the yellowed pages before stopping around the middle.

"Hallucinogens," Fred began, "Is a drug that can perk your senses, cover you in a cloud of gloom or create hallucinations."

"Look over there," George directed Fred's attention to the next page. "It says that marijuana can be grown in plant form…"

"What's marijuana?"

"A plant, otherwise it wouldn't be in a book of illegal plants would it?"

"I guess not."

"So you're saying that if we made drugs..."

"We'd get our passing grade…"

"And get high in the process!"

"What's high?" Fred asked.

"I don't know but I heard some muggles talking about it at King's Cross. It kind of sounds like the reaction we get from our snuff box."

"Wicked!" They said in unison.

They left the library with the solitary book and headed back to their dorm room.

The next day all of their classes were skived off for time to work on their "project". They sat in the middle of the second floor girl's lavatory (being tipped off by Ron about it the night before) planting seeds.

"Do you really think this is going to work?" Fred asked as he covered his last seed.

"Course it will, how could it not?" Fred replied with confidence. "When did a Weasley plan ever fail?"

A giggle rang though the air.

"What was that?" Fred asked, his eyes shooting around the room.

"Show yourself!" George yelled as he stood up.

There was another giggle and then a transparent girl floated up above one of the stalls.

"Hello boys…being naughty are we?" She laughed.

"Sod off myrtle." Fred spat. He knew her from hearing the tale that Harry, Ron and Hermione had with the polyjuice potion in their second year.

"Yeah, get lost…" George added.

"What's got your knickers in a knot?" Myrtle asked lowering herself to a point where she was floating just beyond their reach.

"Nothing, just don't bother us…" Fred said as he sat back down.

There was a short silence.

"You two aren't half as cute as Harry." Myrtle said cheerfully.

Their fists began to clench.

"And you're not as nice as that Veela boy. Even he was cuter than you."

"Urgh!" George shrieked. "She did not just compare us to MALFOY!"

"Malfoy," Myrtle pondered. "Was that his name?"

"Look, just shut up!" Fred screamed.

"Testy aren't we?"

"Come on Fred, we'll come back tomorrow." George said pushing Fred out the door.

The next day.

Fred and George were standing over their pots looking disappointed.

"What's taking so long?" Fred questioned staring at the soil.

"Well, since it's a muggle plant I guess it takes time to grow." George answered.

"We can fix that." Fred said pulling out his wand. With one swift movement of his wrist, the soil's top broke, and leaves were coming up. Minutes later, where the seeds had been was a group of leaves and some mushrooms that glowed an eerie green.

"Perfect!" They said in unison.

They bent down and began picking up the pots when Moaning Myrtle appeared over by the sinks.

"Hello again boys; still being naughty?" She asked before letting out a soft giggle.

"Actually Myrtle, we're leaving…" Fred began.

"Yeah, we got what we needed." George finished.

"But…who will there be to keep me company?" Myrtle whined.

"Why don't you go and talk to your precious Malfoy?" Fred shouted back as they left the bathroom.

They walked quickly down to the greenhouses only to find Professor Sprout in greenhouse two talking to Ernie MacMillian.

They walked in and set their stuff down on the table. When Professor Sprout noticed them she turned from Ernie.

"We got our extra credit projects Professor." George stated.

"Just one minute you two, I'll talk with you when Ernie is finished." She said turning back to the boy who now had a look of amusement on his face.

"It's all right Professor, you can talk to Fred and George first; I'm in no rush." Ernie noted apparently realizing what

the twins were up to.

"Oh all right," Professor Sprout said as she moved over to their pots. "What have you got here?"

"Well, George and I decided to plant muggle herbs and fungi." Fred said.

"Yeah, both are completely edible." George added.

"Edible you say?" Sprout asked as she raised her eyebrows.

"Yes." They replied together.

"Do you mind?" She asked as she reached towards the pots.

"Not at all."

She picked out a leaf and a mushroom and shoved both into her mouth at once. George winked at Ernie who was still watching attentively. Moments later, Professor Sprout was in a state of mentality.

"My, what is this stuff? And Ernie, why are you blue? Look out George!" She yelped as she dove at him and tackled him to the ground.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" George screamed once Professor Sprout got off of him.

"My dear, is that any way to talk to your savior! If it hadn't been for me that snake would've eaten you alive!" She screamed.

"Snake? Where?" Fred said looking around before remembering what the mushrooms did.

Suddenly, she burst out into laughter and fell back to the ground.

"Professor, what's so funny?" Ernie asked winking at Fred and George.

She didn't answer but just kept laughing. The twins just stared at each other and smirked.

"Well done guys!" Ernie said as he walked over to them and extracted their jar.

"Wicked!"


	5. A Whole New Wood

One day in the Slytherin common room things we're gloomy and evil; just the way the Slytherins liked it. Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini, Millicent Bulstrode, Crabbe and Goyle were lounging around enjoying their Saturday in peace until their Prince and Princess made an unnerving entrance. Draco Malfoy sauntered in carrying Pansy Parkinson in his arms and was snogging the Dark Lord out of her.

"Malfoy, why are you carrying Parkinson?" Blaise asked from his place on the couch.

At this, Draco immediately pulled away from Pansy and dropped her onto the floor, looking mortified.

"Ouch…"

"What? I'm not in love with Potter!" Draco howled as his eyes shifted nervously around the room.

"What did you say?" Pansy shrieked at his sudden outburst. She leaned forward and kicked Draco between the legs.

"Ouch!" Draco squeaked as he keeled over. "Merlin woman, I need those!"

"Hmph…" Pansy snorted as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Don't you 'Hmph' me…" Draco warned. Pansy glared.

"Honestly Parkinson, unless you don't want to shag me to death later on this year in the library and possibly have an heir later on in life, I suggest you never kick those again!" Pansy got the hint. She got up, trudged across the room and sat down in a chair away from the others while throwing them some of her coldest glares.

"Malfoy, Blaise didn't say anything about you being in love with Potter." Millicent noted as she noticed the scrunched faces of her companions. "Honestly, I think that Pansy fills the position of significant other in your case."

Pansy shook her head in agreement from across the room.

"I wish I filled that place instead of pug-face Parkinson…" Blaise muttered to himself.

"What was that Zabini?" Draco asked curiously as he finally stopped writhing in pain, made his way over to the couch, took a seat beside Nott and made himself quite comfortable after kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

"Nothing." Blaise replied. "Except that your girlfriend is an arrogant little git." Of course, no one heard the last part.

There was an awkward silence.

Draco broke it the way he usually did; he began making fun of Potter.

"I'm Saint Potty. I love mudbloods and blood traitors. Look at me, I have a misfit scar. I have to save the world!"

At this point in time Pansy had covered her ears, Blaise had left, Millicent looked extremely bored, Crabbe and Goyle we're eating and Nott was getting irritated.

"Please Malfoy," Nott interrupted, "Give us some peace. No offense or anything but your impressions are getting really old."

"What's wrong with my impressions?" Draco stormed. "I can make fun of Gryffindors way better than you can."

"No you can't." Nott retaliated lamely.

"Yes I can." Draco spat.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Oh will you two just shut up already?" Pansy yelled above their banter.

"NO!" They responded in unison.

"Ha!" Nott exclaimed. "I knew that you'd agree with me!"

"I was not agreeing with the likes of you!" Draco said coldly.

Nott covered his ears.

"Lalalalala, I'm not listening! Lalalalala!"

"I was disagreeing with Pansy!" Draco protested.

"Don't disagree with me!" Pansy yelled getting up and moving closer to Draco.

"I'm not disagreeing with you!" Draco said trying not to get on Pansy's bad side as he met her halfway.

"You always disagree with me!"

"I do not!"

"Wait, who's doing me?" Nott piped up.

"You're doing it now!" Pansy huffed.

"Did you just call me an it?" Nott asked in confusion.

"Fine, I'm disagreeing with you but I don't want to." Draco pleaded.

"Yeah, right."

"OK, how does this sound; you're angry, I'm angry, we both want to relieve some stress, let's snog!" Draco exclaimed.

"OK!" Pansy agreed as they began to attack each other.

"Honestly, do you two have to do this now?" Millicent screamed causing the two to break apart.

"He's just mad because I won." Nott said smugly.

"SHUT UP!" The three yelled together.

"Look Nott, we both know that I'm better at making fun of Scarhead than you." Draco said turning away from Pansy and shooting Nott a scowl.

"That may be true but I'm better at insulting the mudblood." Nott shot back.

"I can make fun of the Weasel's better."

"Well, well…" Nott stammered, "I can make more Oliver Wood jokes than you!"

Dramatic gasp.

"He didn't!" Pansy said as she covered her mouth.

"He did!" Millicent answered.

Blaise finally decided to grace us with his presence once more. He came down the stairs from the dormitories looking awfully bored.

"Um, are you lot finished impersonating Potter yet? There's no one up there to talk to and I'm getting bored. I was talking to the voices in my head but I remembered Madame Pomfrey telling me that that's bad. So anyways, what's up?" He asked before resuming his seat.

"Was that a challenge?" Draco asked looking very scandalized.

"Was what a challenge?" Blaise asked. "Are you having another exploding snap war because the last time we had to take Crabbe and Goyle to the hospital and that ended in some weird questions and messy paper work…?"

"No." Millicent replied. "This is strictly verbal."

"Yes it's a challenge." Nott answered.

"I accept!" Draco exclaimed.

"What's so funny about Oliver Wood's name?" Crabbe asked Goyle.

"I think it's because he's a keeper and he knows his balls." Goyle replied.

"By the way, where are the stupid Gryffindorks anyways?" Pansy asked.

"I think they have Quidditch practice." Crabbe answered between mouthfuls of liquorice wand.

"OK gang, let's go!" Draco said as he led the group out of the common room.

They walked towards the Quidditch pitch in silence, well that is all except for Nott and Draco arguing over who was going to win.

"I'm going to totally kill you at this."

"No way, I'm going to kick our snitch into next year!"

"Boys!" Millicent and Pansy groaned.

"As they neared the pitch they could hear Oliver Wood doing his usual pep talk…

"…And it's just like the Falmouth Falcons motto says 'Let us win, but if we cannot win, let us break a few heads', remember, we have what it takes…"

"Hey Weaselette, how about you take a ride on my broomstick?" Blaise shouted at Ginny as he took a seat in the stands.

"No thanks, I heard it's broken." Ginny responded as she mounted her broom.

"Burn!" Someone yelled from the air.

"I wish Potter would ride my broomstick…" Draco said under his breath.

"What?" Pansy gasped before swatting him on the back of the head.

"Ouch! Merlin woman, will you stop hitting me?"

"Not until you stop having gay fantasies about Potter!"

"I'm not having gay fantasies about Potter!"

They sat in silence for awhile in the bleachers down behind wood. Suddenly, Pansy stood up and cleared her throat.

"Attention all Gryffindorks. I am pleased to announce that we have a dedication to make."

"What is she doing?" Nott whispered to Draco.

"I think she's introducing us." Draco replied.

"From the makers of 'Weasley Is Our King' I give you 'A Whole New Wood'!" Pansy finished.

Draco and Nott looked at each other.

"Your girlfriend is mad!" Nott exclaimed. "You haven't written anything lately have you?"

"No." Draco replied. "Pansy, what are you doing? We don't have a song about Oliver Wood!"

"I know," Pansy said as she sat back down. "But you two were boasting that you could make lots of Wood jokes and I haven't heard one yet so it's time for the masterminds to improvise."

She leaned in closer to Draco.

"I know you can do it baby. Think of it this way, if the song rocks, you'll get a nice reward."

"Deal." Draco said as he stood up.

"Blaise, drop a beat." Pansy instructed.

Blaise waved his wand and soft, classical music started to play. Draco glared at him before clearing his throat.

"I can show you the Wood." He began. There was a flicker of evil in his eyes before he continued. "Shining, flexible, splendid. Tell me keeper, now when did you last let your broom decide. I can open your pants. Take you wonder by wonder. Over sideways and under on a magic broom stick ride."

Up above, the Gryffindors stopped in mid-flight to watch Draco belt out old Disney songs. The quaffle lay immobile on the ground and the snitch flew past Harry's head and he didn't even blink.

Draco continued to sing…

"A whole new Wood, a new fantastic point of you. No one to tell us no…"

"Or when it will snow." Nott butted in desperate to get something said.

Draco glared and Pansy hit him. Before resuming singing Draco noticed that Crabbe and Goyle had stood up and begun a crude form of a waltz. He ignored this however and continued to sing.

"Or say we're only shagging. A whole new Wood, a long broomstick I never knew. But when I'm way up here…"

"It's sort of clear…" Nott provided.

"That now I'm in a whole new Wood with you." Crabbe interrupted.

"Now I'm in a whole new Wood with you…" Goyle repeated hitting a crescendo.

Everyone stared at Goyle.

"Incomparable thrusts." Draco continued. "Indescribable feeling. Moaning, tumbling, freewheeling…"

"An erotic fantasy." Blaise piped in.

"A whole new Wood." Draco resumed.

"Don't you dare throw up on me!" Nott added, deciding to join in for good.

"A hundred thousand things to do."

"Hold your breath it gets better."

"I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far. I can't go back to where I used to be."

"Are you a two by four?"

"With new position to pursue."

"Every moment gets better."

Suddenly, a bludger took advantage of the immobility of the players and slammed into the chosen one, knocking him off his broom.

WHAM!

No one noticed.

"I'll chase you anywhere, there's time to spare. Let me share this whole new Wood with you." Draco and Nott began a duet. "A whole new Wood, that's where we'll be…"

"With you by my side." Draco broke off.

"A thrilling ride…" Nott added.

"For you and me." They finished together.

There was silence with the exception of shrieks and high pitched giggles that were emitted from Pansy.

"I've taken the mickey out of a lot of Gryffindorks but that take's the cake!" She exclaimed.

The Gryffindor Quidditch team left the air, finally noticing the state of their seeker.

Ginny landed first and rushed to Harry's aid.

"Harry, Harry are you all right?" Ginny cried.

He woke at the sound of her voice.

"Ginny, I've just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that the Slytherins were singing along with old Disney songs and that Crabbe and Goyle were waltzing."

(How do they know about Disney?)

Harry catches sight of Draco leaving the stands with his cronies.

"Oh no! It wasn't a dream; it was real!"

The Slytherins made their way out onto the pitch deciding that some Harry bashing could add to the enjoyment.

"So how did you like the show Potter? Oh, wait, you were unconscious for half of it!" Draco said cattily. "And why is that? You fell off your broom!"

"The only reason I fell off my broom was because you couldn't hold a note to save your life!" Harry retaliated getting to his feet.

"I thought you got hit by a Bludger…" Nott implied.

"I can too sing! I may be no Celestina Warbeck but I can too hold a note!" Draco protested.

"Can not."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"What can I do?" Nott asked.

"SHUT UP!" They yelled together.

Meanwhile, Oliver Wood headed for Nott, probably noticing that Draco was too busy releasing his sexual tension with Harry.

"Listen here punk…" Wood said as he poked Nott in the chest with the end of his broomstick.

"Hey, I'm not a punk! You're the punk!" Nott yelled back.

"I'm not…" Wood started.

"No, I'm Nott! You're Wood!"

"Why you little…"

"Hey, I'm not little!"

Wood took the nearest beater's bat and started at Nott.

"Nott, I think this is the part where you run screaming like a little girl around the pitch." Pansy said as she moved closer to Draco.

"Got it, run and scream…" Nott let out a howl as he ran around the pitch in circles avoiding the sudden blows of the bat that came near to hitting him.

He came up beside Pansy, still a piece away from Wood.

"So Pansy, how about that reward?"

Draco looked up and joined Wood in his pursuit of hunting down Nott. They finally ended up chasing him off into the sunset.


	6. Patrick The Pyromaniac

Rule #5: Putting up Doug henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate...

Seamus had lived by the thought that anything that annoyed Filch was okay with him. And since the old bastard had wrote him up for throwing dungbombs in the Charms corridor (hey, can't a guy have any fun in this place?) Seamus thought that a little revenge was in order.

Everyone knew that Filch was bitter. He disliked magic a lot for someone who lived in a school for it, but hey, you can't answer all of life's questions. The point is, Rule #5 was perfect.

Seamus wasn't sure who Doug Henning was, so he owled his Dad, who telephoned his uncle Alfie, who mailed his Dad his old posters, then his Dad mailed them to Seamus.

So one night Seamus recruited Dean, his best mate, and his cousin Patrick O'Neil of Ravenclaw and they hatched a plan.

"Okay Pat," Instructed Seamus "You take the fireworks and make like Fred and George in fifth year."

"No problem." Said Pat, saluting Seamus. "Always ready to support the cause."

"Remember, set them off at exactly 11:30," Continued Seamus handing the fireworks to Patrick, who when excepting the bag gained a hungry look in his eyes.

"Now Pat, look at me."

Seamus snapped his fingers and Patrick pulled his eyes away form the bag.

"I know you're a bit of a pyromaniac-" Dean looked at Seamus fearfully… "But you have to focus, don't let anyone see you."

Patrick nodded.

"Now Dean, you're look out." Dean nodded and Seamus continued… "You'll come with me and watch for Filch."

Dean gave him a thumbs up.

"Synchronize watches!"

Patrick slowly made his way down to the dungeons, it wasn't his favorite place (it positively reeked of Slytherin) and positioned himself behind a statue out of sight and check his watch…11:29.

"Five, four, three, two," Chanted Patrick opening the bag… "One! Feux Actionne!"

BAM! BOOM!

The fire works zoomed around the dungeon corridor, the cold stone walls shone with the light of flying pig and sparklers.

"Muhahahaha!" Yelled Patrick. "They're alive!"

He cackled manically and bolted down the corridor.

Some ways down that very same corridor Snape was minding his own business (for once) moving some jars of frog-spawn into his office when a pink pig firework came shooting towards him.

"What the-"

BANG!

Somewhere above Filch woke with a start.

"Bloody kids." Said Filch as he rolled out of bed and donned his boots and old dressing gown. Calling Mrs. Norris, he made his way towards the sound of the explosions.

With Filch out of the way Dean and Seamus slowly crept into Filch's office.

"I'd hoped I'd never have to come in here." Said Dean examining the polished chains on the wall.

"Come on." Said Seamus throwing Dean a roll of posters. "Let's get on with it before the old coot comes back."

"Who is this Henning guy anyway?" asked Dean examining one of the posters.

"Some crazy old Muggle Magician from the 70's I think." Informed Seamus who was magically sticking one of the posters on the wall behind Filch's desk.

"That's ancient."

If Seamus and Dean had stuck around for a few more hours they would have witnessed Argus Filch, the infamous caretaker, screaming like a mad man. Fleeing his office and looking positively dreadful. Or maybe they would have caught a glimpse of Snape recovering from his encounter with the teacher eating fireworks.


	7. Naked Man In The Common Room

Rule #6: I will not go to class skyclad...

Seamus, Fred and George were in the Gryffindor common room getting ready for divination. Fred and George started to leave and noticed that Seamus wasn't following.

"Why aren't you coming?" They asked.

"You guys go on ahead. I forgot my book." Seamus lied.

"Okay mate."

They left.

Seamus looked slowly around, searching for any stragglers. He was alone. Without a second thought he began to disrobe. Within seconds, he was naked.

He reached down and picked up his satchel and stuffed his robe away.

"Well, let the fun begin." He smiled smugly and turned to leave.

"Hurry up Jaime!" Called a voice from above. "We're going to be late for transfiguration!"

"Shittinknickers!"

Before Seamus could move a muscle, two first year girls came barreling into the common room.

They screamed like banshees at the sight of Seamus.

Seamus also screamed and scrambled to cover himself with his satchel.

"Sorry, I couldn't find my shoes…" Came a voice from the girl's stairs. "What's all the screaming for?" Asked the young girl as she came running into the common room, bumping into her friend.

She saw Seamus.

She screamed.

"Run Natalie!" Yelled the girl pushing her friends forward. "Run!"

They left the room at top speed.

Hermione had been to the library doing research for her extra credit Herbology project. She decided to take out as many books as she could carry and return to her dorm. As she was making her was along the seventh floor corridor, she heard screaming.

"NAKED MAN IN THE COMMON ROOM!"

And then something about four feet tall collided with her causing her books to go flying.

CRASH!

Hermione and the three girls lay in a pile on the floor.

"Get off of me!" yelled a girl with dark hair.

"Sorry." Answered a girl with a book on her head.

"What is the meaning of this?" Shrieked Hermione, struggling to sit up. "There is no running in the corridors!"

"But there was a man in the common room!"

"With no clothes!"

"Enough!" Screamed Hermione. "I'm a prefect, stop this rubbish at once and go to class!"

Suddenly Seamus came running down the corridor.

"Sorry mates…" He said as he ran past, "Can't talk, late for divination."

Hermione ran away screaming, leaving the books and the first years scattered on the floor.

Seamus ran as quick as he could to the north tower. He thought about what Trelawney would say when he walked into the classroom.

"It's time…"he muttered before entering the class.

Once inside, the room fell silent.

Head held high, Seamus took his seat beside Dean who had collapsed into his copy of "Unfogging the Future" laughing.

Trelawny, below, had not yet noticed Seamus' grand entrance for she was looking at four upturned tarot cards and muttering about a lightning struck tower.

Fred and George, who were sitting at the table to his left with Lee, were staring in amusement.

"Better you than us." They said together while trying to contain their laughter.

Draco, who was at the table to his right, had a disgusted look on his face.

"how's Oliver Wood coming?" He murmured to Pansy, Nott and Blaise before turning to face Seamus. "In all honesty, we didn't need to see that Finnigan." Draco sneered.

Seamus ignored his comment and winked at Nott.

"You had something to do with this didn't you?" Draco asked him and received a smirk in retun.

"Hey, I have copyright on that smirk!"

While Draco was yelling at Nott, neither of them noticed Blaise mouth "Owl Me" to Seamus.

"Stupid Halfblood…"

Meanwhile Professor Trelawny had risen from her chair and was making her way over to where Seamus and Dean were sitting, catching sight of Seamus' naked torso.

"That's a bit bold dear."

Dean started to laugh even harder. She picked up the top card of Seamus' stack.

"Alas, the six of cups!" She cried waving the card dramatically. "Your personal magnetism is on the rise, be firm in anything you take on."

The class stared.

"I'll, err…take that into consideration." Seamus beamed.

"Good boy." She said patting him on the head.

"I think she wants you mate…" Chortled Dean.

"She's not the only one…" Seamus said looking over at a table of Slytherin girl's who were blushing and giggling.

Pansy scoffed at them before shouting…"Have some pride girls! Your Slytherins and far out of reach of those bloody Gryffindorks!"

Trelawny stalked over to Draco's table and picked up the top card of his deck.

"Ah," She began. "According to your card, it says here that you will see something completely unexpected. You feel the need to scour your soul…"

"Scour my soul, what about scour my eyes!" Draco stood up and raised his voice causing Pansy to shriek in joy. "My inner eye is telling me to go and wash my outer eye! First chance I get, I'm taking a shower…"

Blaise stole a longing look at him at the mention of a shower. Yet again, no one noticed. When Draco resumed his seat, he accidentally knocked over Nott's cards. He began to bend over and pick them up but was stopped by Trelawny.

"Don't dear boy, I'll get them…"

"At least she knows how to treat her superiors…"Draco said shortly causing Nott to laugh.

Trelawny bent over to get Nott's cards but was stopped abruptly by the sight she saw.

"Oh my, Seamus, is that your…"

DING DONG DING DONG

"Saved by the bell." Seamus said quickly as he grabbed his satchel and left the classroom with haste.

On the way to the common room, he noticed Hannah and Ernie in the corridor. Seamus ran up to them. Without hesitation Ernie tossed him a frog. Hannah was looking gobsmacked.

"Thanks mate." Seamus called as he caught the frog and continued to run, throwing his robe on as he went.

"No problem." Ernie yelled after him laughing.

"Was that…was he…but-"

"Don't worry Hannah, I'll explain everything when we get back to the common room." Ernie said as he pushed Hannah in the opposite direction.

"But he…Seamus…he- Urgh! He was hot!"


	8. Tentacle Tango

**Rule #7: The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.**

Hogwarts was having a Ball (Wait don't hit the back button! This was unavoidable), a Yule Ball to be specific. Dumbledore knew that these usually needed something called the Triwizard Tournament to be underway, oh well…

Luna knew that she was the only one who could ever hope to break this rule. Hannah had, of course, tried.

"HERE SQUIDDY!" she bellowed over the Lake. "Come to Hannah!"

A tentacle broke the surface of the water (which should be frozen over, but isn't, apparently we're experiencing a heat wave)

"I want to go to the Ball with you!" she screamed at the squid.

The Squid plunged to the depths of the Lake.

"I don't believe it!" shrieked Hannah, stomping her foot. "I was shot down by a squid!"

"Hannah!" called a voice from over a snow bank (the heat wave has passed) "What are you doing?"

"Justin!" cried Hannah, spinning around so fast she promptly tumbled into a snowdrift.

Oomph

"Hannah I did you just do what I thought you did?"

"Maybe."

"We're you going to ditch me for the GIANT SQUID?"

"I was considering all possibilities."

"But a SQUID!"

"I think…he has a nice personality?" Hannah stuttered trying to cover it up.

"That's it!" yelled Justin, throwing his hands in the air "We're through!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!" bellowed Justin, ambling over the snowdrift.

"Slut!"

"Wanker!"

Hannah sunk back into the snow bank.

Luna sat on a pile of rocks by the side of the Lake watching Hannah and Justin, she took particular enjoyment in watching Hannah tumble into the snow, she didn't like her very much.

Luna stood up and pulled her cloak around her and extracted a flute from her robes and began to play.

The Great Hall had once again been transformed into a beautiful, sparkly, shimmering, shiny ice palace (you've all hopefully seen the movie) and all 4th year and up were gathered around gossiping.

Hannah was sulking in Sky blue dress robes with Mandy Brocklehorst and Lisa Turpin beside the doors. Mandy and Lisa were not sulking, but rather being the airheads that they were.

"Like, oh my Merlin!" squealed Lisa "I, like, so LOVE your dress robes! "Studying the flowing fuchsia skirt, that clashed horribly with Mandy's red hair.

"Shut up!" giggled Mandy, "This old thing?"

They giggled and Hannah wondered how these two ever managed to get into Ravenclaw.

"Hmmm, I don't think green is really my color…," said Lisa, Fiddling with her pleated skirt.

"Like, no way, it TOTALLY brings out your eyes." Commented Mandy, nodding like a bobble-head doll. "Don't you think so, Hannah?"

"…Sure."

"Hannah," said Mandy "You've been no fun sense Justin ditched you."

"He didn't ditch me!" shot Hannah, "It was mutual!"

Lisa snorted "Yeah, that's not what I heard." She rolled her eyes "I heard from Padma, who heard Daphne Greengrass say that Morag told Blaise that he has it from Anthony who was told by Wayne, that he ditched you."

Hannah Blinked.

"Aahh…anyway," said Mandy. "That's not the point."

"Yes-" began Hannah, relived.

"Because Wayne told me that Dean Thomas says that Michael told him that heard Terry Boot tell Morag that he heard Ernie tell some guy that you fancy Seamus Finnigan!"

"WHAT!"

"And that's even after Sally-Anne made it perfectly clear to Susan who told Pavarti who informed Lavender who told me that she saw him in Divination first."

"He winked at us…" said Mandy, dreamily, reminiscing about naked Seamus. "Anyway, the point is that you-"

BOOM BOOMBOOM SMASH

The doors crashed open just missing the girls; they screamed and toppled to the floor.

Enter Giant Squid.

Everyone in the Great Hall stared as the squid sloshed into the Hall and atop it sat Luna Lovegood, her robes drenched and her Butterbeer cork necklace gleaming with the light of her candles.

"I don't believe it." Said Mandy, staring up at the squid.

"What is that little Whack-job trying to do?" shrieked Lisa, crawling away.

Enter McGonagall.

"Miss Lovegood!" she screamed "What is the meaning of this?"

"Meaning of what?"

"The SQUID!"

"Oh," sighed Luna "Squiddy's my date."


	9. Bleedin' Writing

Rule# 8: I will not use Umbridge's Quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"

It was Friday. Fred and George were sitting in their dorm room working on a new invention. They had been up there for hours. All of the day's classes have been skived off for the lack of wanting to gain a weekends worth of homework. Not that one of their class mates wouldn't drop it off sooner or later, but it was worth a few good hours of hope.

"Fred," George said suddenly, "What ever happened to that Umbridge woman?"

"Don't you remember George? Harry and Hermione lured her into the forest and she was taken away by centaurs." Fred replied after taking a bite what appeared to be a green rock. "Nope, still not ready yet."

"How could I forget?" George said. "Needs more crow feathers."

"Yeah, Lee had those horrible scars on the back of his hand for weeks."

Suddenly, the twins looked up at each other, a sly grin crossing both their faces.

"Fred, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" George asked.

"I think I am."

"Self motivated field trip!" They yelled in unison.

They dropped what they were doing and rushed down to the common-room. Taking no time at all, they ran over to the far corner where Harry, Ron and Hermione are all sitting and conversing about (oddly enough) Draco Malfoy's health.

"You can't blow off Quidditch just to see what's wrong with that scumbag! We need you Harry, and who really cares what Malfoy's doing?" Ron said indignantly.

"Right about now I do! He's up to something Ron. Aren't you the least bit curious to know what it is?" Harry retaliated.

"No! It's Malfoy and I could care less!"

"But he look's sick all the time."

"Anyone would look sick if they'd been out snogging Parkinson all day." Hermione butted in.

"Sorry to interrupt," Fred began.

"But we have something we need to ask Harry." George finished.

"Unless it has the word Malfoy in it I doubt he wants to hear it." Ron spat.

"Shut up!" Harry shouted.

"It doesn't have anything to do with that sod," Fred said.

"But I'm hoping you'll listen to our proposition anyway." George said.

"Proposition?" Hermione questioned.

"Yes." They said together.

"We're willing to give you some of our headache hurleys if you agree to give us lend of your marauder's map for tomorrow and tomorrow only." Fred stated.

"What are headache hurleys?" Ron asked.

"Our latest invention." George said.

"They're a rock hard candy that if you swallow whole, you'll get an instant headache." Fred noted.

"Although we're still working on the reverse formula."

"Ummm, I think I'll pass on the candy but sure, you can have it for the day." Harry said politely. "But I'll need it back for Sunday."

"Sure."

"Alright."

Harry quickly ran upstairs to retrieve the map. In his absence Ron whispered "Don't give it back to him. He'll just use it to follow Malfoy around the castle again. Honestly, you'd think those two have a thing for each other."

"Ron!" Hermione yelled as she swatted him across the shoulder. "Harry's not gay!"

"Of course I'm not! Why would you say something like that?" Harry asked as he returned.

"No reason." Hermione said shyly.

"Here." Harry said as he passed the blank piece of parchment over to George.

"Thanks Harry, we owe you one." Fred said as they turned around to go back upstairs.

"But if you change your mind on those hurleys we'll gladly oblige." George shouted as they rounded the corner at the top of the stairs to the dorms.

"Now what's this about me being gay?" Harry stormed at his friends…

The next day.

It was early morning in the castle. Teachers and students alike we asleep but two determined Gryffindors were up and busy. Fred and George had awoken extra early and were getting ready for their excursion. With their satchels filled with various helpful items and their wands tucked away, they snuck out of their dorm silently. When they got to the common room, Fred pulled out the marauder's map and spoke the incantation…

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Writing slowly appeared on the parchment…"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the marauder's map".

Fred opened it slowly and glanced at it.

"Anyone up and about yet mate?" George asked as he looked over Fred's shoulder.

"Only Dumbledore, and he's pacing in his study as usual."

"What about Mrs. Norris?"

"With Filtch in his room."

"Wicked." They both whispered.

They slowly left the common room and made their way through the portrait hole. Slowly and quietly they moved through the school occasionally checking the map for updates on the whereabouts of the staff. Once they were in the entrance hall it seemed that they were in the clear. They bolted thorough the great oak doors and ran across the grounds; they knew exactly what they were doing. When they made it through the school's gates there was a 'POP' and they were gone.

POP!

Fred and George landed outside the telephone booth that led into the Ministry. They looked cautiously around before stepping inside.

"You do the honors…" George said.

Fred picked up the telephone and held it above his head. He dialed 62442, and then waited. Soon enough, a voice came through the receiver…

"Hello, welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and reason for entering."

"Fred and George Weasley, break one of the one hundred and fifty unwritten rules of Hogwarts." Fred spoke clearly.

"Very well," The receptionist said, "Please continue."

Almost immediately two silver badges came out through the coin return stating their names and business. The put them on and hung up the receiver. The phone booth started it's descent into the ground. Within minutes, they were standing in the atrium. They looked around and began down the corridor. Past the floo network and past the golden fountain they walked until they came to a halt at a desk with a security guard sitting lazily behind it. At the sight of the Weasley twins, he got up and moved over to them with a golden rod. He passed it over each of them before making a request…

"Wand please." The security guard said to George.

George reluctantly handed over his wand and watched the guard place it on a scale. A small piece of paper shot out from it. The guard picked it up and read aloud:

"9 ½ inches, unicorn hair, been in use for seven years."

"Yes." George nodded before having his wand handed back to him.

"You next." The guard said.

Fred handed over his wand and watched as it was placed on the scale. Another piece of paper shot out into the guard's hand.

"7 ¾ inches, oak, been in use for seven years."

"Yes." Fred said as he had his wand passed back.

"Off you go then." The guard said as he regained his seat.

The twins walked past the guard's desk quietly but broke out into a run at the end of the hall. George stopped abruptly.

"What is it?" Fred asked, also coming to a halt.

"Is it really a good idea of be running around the Ministry wearing a badge that says 'break a rule'?" George said gesturing to his shiny silver badge.

'You're right." Fred agreed. "We need some sort of disguise…"

Almost as if by magic, inspiration came towards them in the form of two janitors walking down the hall pushing a cart.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" George asked.

"Of course." Fred replied.

Minutes later, Fred emerged from a broom cupboard in one of the janitor's uniforms pushing the cart of cleaning supplies.

"Brilliant idea trading them some skiving snackboxes for a lend of their uniforms." The cleaning supplies piped up.

"Yes, but stay quiet. Someone might get suspicious." Fred scolded the hiding George.

They soon were standing in front of the elevator. Fred pushed the cart on and stared at the list of floors on the inside. Looking around the elevator, making sure no one else was entering, he whispered to George…

"What floor do you think she'd be on?"

"Think about it? What did she do when she was at Hogwarts? Make a bunch of bloody rules! Go with Magical Law Enforcement."

"Ok."

Down the elevator went. When they reached their floor, they exited the cart and walked down the corridor.

"Now to find her office." Fred mumbled.

"Why don't you ask someone?" George asked.

"Alright."

A short, dark haired witch was headed their way. It was the perfect opportunity.

"Excuse me," Fred stopped her, "Could you tell me where I could find the office of Dorles Umbridge? I believe some cleaning is in order…"

"At the very end." The witch pointed behind her before walking off.

Fred continued down the corridor. He was almost there when suddenly…

CRASH!

The cart toppled over, taking Fred with it. George rolled out and joined him. On the floor. No one looked up from their work.

"What was that for?" George asked.

"I don't know! I lost control of the ca-" Fred began but stopped to gape at one of the wheels. "George…look what stopped the cart." Fred held up a quill.

"You don't think…"

"I do."

"Wicked!" They said in unison.

Back at the school, Ernie was walking down the corridor, heading back to his common room when something caught his eyes. Written in blood on the wall were the words "I told you I was hardcore" with an added "Enemies of the heirs beware, especially you Slytherins…"

"Fred and George…" Ernie mumbled. "How do they do it?"

He shrugged and changed his course heading back to the Great Hall to find the scarred heroes.

A/N:there's a link to our blog in our profile with some of the icons if you've never seen them and would like to. And there's also a littlle trailer for the fic if you wanna check it out. And updates might be farther apart because aspen's really really busy, she's off camping for a week and then she has to go to a wedding...eleen has no life and is writing chapter 12 which is becoming really long. So don't give up on us!


	10. No Need To Shower Alone

Rule #9 I will stop referring to showing as "giving moaning Myrtle an eyeful"

"It was your fault! How dare you even blame me for this?"

"How can I not blame you? If you hadn't gotten that 'brilliant' idea to throw mud at Potter in the courtyard, none of this would've happened!"

"But you said it would be funny!"

"Just because I said it would be funny, didn't mean I wanted you to do it! Now look at me! I'm a mess!"

"Will you just shut up Pansy? Honestly, at least you never got any in your hair!"

It was a typical evening in the Slytherin common room; well, not that typical. Tonight was as different as they come. The Slytherins were lounging on the back couches watching Draco and Pansy argue about whose fault 'it' was. Now by 'it', I'm referring to the incident that happened at break in the courtyard.

Everything was going fine until Draco started insulting Harry, not that out of the ordinary right? Wrong. It got out of the ordinary when Pansy and the others began encouraging him to no extent. Alright, still not that out of the ordinary. But everything went for broke when Draco finally couldn't control his hand anymore. No, he didn't jump the chosen boy and confess his undying love, as other Fanfics may have you believe when they try to recount this historic day. Instead, he unconsciously picked up a pile of mud and hurled it over at Harry. It hit him in the side of the face. You can guess what happened next. Mayhem broke out (Where were the teachers? Why didn't they try to stop this?). It was a full out onslaught between the golden trio and the Slytherin gang. Eventually, Neville, Luna and Ginny rushed to the trio's aid making the teams even.

"So it is before the walls of Hogwarts the doom of this week will be decided!" Draco shouted lobbing a double fist of common mud.

"Now is the hour!" shouted Harry diving behind one of the courtyards half-walls. "Non-Slytherins oaths you have taken! Now fulfill them all! To Lord and Land!

War cries were shouted and insults were thrown. Then Mother Nature decided to be real cruel…rain began pouring down, hard. But there was no surrender from either side. Honestly, what type of house pride would it be to give up?

Minutes ticked by and the teams refused to cease; until… 

BOOM! FLASH!

"Abandon your post! Flee! Flee for your lives!"

Thunder sounded and lightning struck. Both teams ran for it, a retreat to the castle without any final words. Which brings us to where we are now. The common room was evacuated except for a few select students who had no idea about what had happened.

"I did too get some in my hair!" Pansy shrieked, pointing at the dried clumps of brown.

"I got off worse!" Draco screamed.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Nott entered and flopped down beside the bickering couple.

"Is that-Do you smell like strawberries?" Draco wrinkled his nose at the smell of Nott's Shampoo.

"Where were you?" Pansy raised an eyebrow.

"I was just giving moaning Myrtle an eyeful."

"Translation?" asked Draco.

"I took a shower…she's quite a little minx, that Myrtle."

"She's dead." Draco grimaced.

"So?"

"Speaking of showers…" Pansy looked over at Draco.

"Snog and make up?" Draco suggested.

"You know it…" Pansy agreed.


	11. Polishing Prohibited

Rule #10: Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand." in the common room is not.

Hannah had long ago decided that a person's wand was much like a person's hair: It reflected a person's quality and therefore had to be in prime condition. So that's why you could find Hannah late one Saturday night polishing her wand.

"Hannah!" said Ernie waving his hand in front of his friend's face. "Put that thing down and do your Divination homework."

"Yeah, " agreed Susan "There won't be any wood left if you keep rubbing it like that."

"But wands are very important!" argued Hannah, still polishing her wand feverishly. "The most important thing to a witch, and therefore has to look it's best."

"I thought the most important thing to you was your hair?" said Ernie.

"That too." She said offhandedly, tossing her blonde hair like a Sleekezy's Hair Potion ad.

"So this whole wand thing has nothing to do with Justin?" ventured Susan.

"What?" shrieked Hannah.

"Well, you only started-"

"Going mental." Muttered Ernie.

"-Acting like this after he dumped you." Finished Susan.

"It was mutual!" Hannah snapped.

"The point is, after-"

"You separated" supplied Ernie.

"-You separated, you've been acting a bit odd."

"Listen, I'm over him, " said Hannah, casually. "Didn't really fancy him that much, he was really just a stupid Randy git."

A few sparks shot out of the wand.

"Okay…" said Susan "So if it's not Justin…then who? The Giant Squid."

"Don't even mention that slimy git…"

"Oh my Merlin!" gasped Ernie, "I know who!"

"Who!" Cried Susan.

"Ernie I swear I'll-"

"Seamus." He said, remembering her expression after she had witnessed him streaking through the corridor.

"Finnigan? From Gryffindor?" asked Susan.

"That very one." Said Ernie.

"Ooooooo…he's cute, " Susan giggled "And Irish."

Ernie rolled his eyes.

"Listen guys," said Hannah, adopting a rational voice and returning to her wand polishing. "I don't like Seamus. He's…"

"'Hot,"" said Ernie, causing both Susan and Hannah to blanch, "according to you anyway." He nodded towards Hannah.

"I said no such thing!"

"Suuurrrre you didn't," said Ernie, twirling a quill between his fingers, "or maybe you're polishing your wand in hopes of breaking a rule."

"I can't break that rule!" shrieked Hannah. "I haven't got a-"

"Then what's with the polish?" questioned Susan.

"Give me your wand, " Susan obliged. "Now watch." She pointed Susan's wand at her own. "Lumos!"

The light from Susan's wand hit the gleaming surface of Hannah's, the refraction caused a blast of intense light to fill the room. Susan and Ernie yelled and shielded their eyes from the blinding light.

"Nox!" muttered Hannah and the light ceased.

"What the bloody hell was that!"

"It's, this new Dóre du Soliel Polish!" Hannah explained how the wand polish made wands so shiny they would "Glow with the wonder and beauty of the sun!"

"I think you used too much." Stated Susan.

"I think you inhaled too much." Said Ernie.

"Nonsense, " said Hannah, "It just gives it an extra flare."

"Yeah," said Susan, "A solar flare, I'm seeing spots!"

"It'll pass." Said Hannah offhandedly.

"It burnt my cornea…"

"Anyway," said Hannah, winding her wand around a lock of hair. "Soon, if I keep using this stuff, my wand will be the same color as my hair!"

"Told you it was the most important thing." Said Ernie, returning to his Divination homework.

Hannah glared.

An hour after that trilling conversation all the Hufflepuffs had gone to bed. Hannah, however, had woken up in the middle of the night and realized she had no idea where her wand polish was.

"Susan!"

"Daddypromisedhedbuymeapony…" Susan muttered in her sleep.

"Where the hell is my polish?"

"Nooooonemoreminutemum…"

"Susan!" Hannah shook her friend awake.

"What!"

"Wait! I bet I left it in the common room!"

"Whatever…" Susan muttered in her sleep. "Jumped up little…"

Hannah grabbed her dressing gown and scurried down the stairs. When she reached the common room she headed for the sofa she had sat on that evening, but as she bent down to check under it she heard someone coming down the stairs.

She had heard of Justin's nightly escapades and she had hoped that they were merely rumors. Safely hidden behind the sofa, Hannah peered around and sure enough, eliminated in the faint glow of what remained of the fire, was Justin.

_Shit,_ thought Hannah, _this is not happening! He probably just left something down here!_ But she would bet her vat of Wonder Witch ™ Ten-Second Pimple Vanisher that it was a copy of PlayWizard in his hand. And the rumors were being confirmed by the noises she was hearing. _This is not happening! _She told herself, covering her ears.

0♥0♥0♥0♥0

"Hannah, are you okay?" asked Ernie, from across the breakfast table, "You look a bit…off."

"Yeah," said Susan, taking a bite out of her sausage. "Ugh…these are really tough!"

"Aren't they?" agreed her friend, Megan Jones, trying one, "They're really hard!"

"It's like eating wood!" commented Susan, forcing the morsel down. "And I'm not referring to the Keeper…Anyway, what were you saying Ernie?"

"It's Hannah, look at her."

Hannah's hair was messy and her blank eyes had bags underneath them.

"Beware the morning beast…"

"Wow, what did you do last night?" Asked Megan.

"Or who," giggled Susan, "Run into any Irishmen lately?"

"Justin broke a rule…" muttered Hannah, faintly.

"What?"

"Which one?"

"It was horrible." She shuddered.

"What was horrible?" asked Susan and Hannah leaned over and whispered a few choice words into her ear.

"No!" Cried Susan.

"The rumors are true!" said Hannah, collapsing on top of her empty plate. "It was Horrible! I think I'm scared for life!"

Megan gave her a comforting pat on the back.

"Hey guys!" said a voice behind Hannah, it was Justin, she turned around and stared. "Wow, Hannah, you look horrible! Didn't get much sleep ether? I know I didn't my bed's as hard as a rock."

Four pairs of eyes starred at him.

"Okay…I'll just go then…" and Justin departed.

"Here," said Ernie, sliding a Chocolate Frog across the table, "You deserve it, after such a traumatizing experience.

"Hannah," said Megan, returning to her breakfast, "Have you tried the sausages?"

A/N: Yeah, I know, that was weird...


	12. The Purple Conspiracy

Rule #11: If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage and draw the Dark Mark on their arm...

It was another boring day in Arithmancy class. The Slytherins (unfortunately but predictably) got paired up with the Gryffindors. And to put the icing on top of the pumpkin pasty, Professor Vector thought it would be a clever idea to switch up the seating so a member of one house would have to sit beside a member of the other. It was a horrible idea in all of the student's minds but Professor Vector called it 'A step towards house unity'.

In all truth, the pairings couldn't have been worse! Harry Potter was put with Draco Malfoy, Millicent Bulstrode was put with Hermione Granger (which was probably the worst match of all considering the last time they were paired up for something Hermione ended up in a headlock), Seamus Finnigan was stuck with Blaise Zabini while Dean Thomas got put with Goyle, Parvati Patil had to sit beside Crabbe when Pansy Parkinson was stuck with Neville Longbottom. Nott thought he was put with the worst possible person…out of all the bloody Gryffindorks, he had to sit with Ron Weasley.

How was it that he had gotten picked to sit next to the Gryffindor king? Nott didn't know but he didn't care. If he was forced to sit next to this ingrate, he was going to make the best of it.

Professor Vector was rambling on about numbers, as usual. Nott was tapping his quill on his parchment and resting his head on his hand. Just like Muggle Studies, Arithmancy was a tediously boring subject. Through the void of nothingness he was zoning out of, he heard a dull snoring.

"Huh?" He mumbled as he sat up straighter to get a better look at where the sound was coming from.

To his left, Draco was ripping up small pieces of parchment and chucking them at Hermione's offending wig while she took notes. Beside Draco, Harry was staring off into space. In front of him, Pansy was ogling at Draco while Neville was muttering quietly to himself. To his right, Crabbe was looking (oddly) quite interested as he watched Parvati use her wand to curl her eyelashes. Behind him, he noticed Blaise tapping his fingers impatiently on his desk while Dean was doodling on his parchment.

SNORE!

There it was again. Nott turned back to his right to find his partner fast asleep in his seat. His face was turned away from Nott. One arm was dangling over his desk while the other was sprawled upward on Nott's parchment. Nott stared at it for a minute until a small click went off in the back of his mind. He looked around to make sure that no one was paying attention before slowly pulling up Ron's sleeves. He stared for a moment at the freckly skin before he dipped his quill and began to draw.

Several minutes later, Ron made a grunting sound. He sat up, stretched his arms and rubbed his eyes. Knowing that his chance had come, Nott put on a mask of shock and stared at the newly drawn mark on Ron's arm.

"You have the dark mark Weasley? I never thought you had it in you!" Nott exclaimed loudly. The class went deathly quiet and all stared at Ron.

"What are you talking about Nott? I don't have the dark mark…" Ron said looking confused.

"Then what do you call that?" Nott asked as he pointed at the snake and skull sitting flatly on Ron's arm. Ron stared at the mark on his skin and screamed.

"Ahhhhh! What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" Nott yelled in retaliation.

"Then how did I get this?"

"Isn't it obvious? You're a death eater!" At Nott's words, Professor Vector fainted. No one noticed.

"What?" Harry raged as he jumped on top of his desk. "I trusted you!"

"Way to make a scene Potter." Draco growled.

"I'm not a death eater!" Ron shrieked.

"I can't believe it!" Hermione exclaimed as she threw her hands up in the air. "My one true love is a death eater!"

"No I'm not!"

"Actually, I'm Nott!" Nott said callously.

"Well, Ron, we could always work through this. I knew that eventually we would both have to make changes in our lives if this relationship was going to work out. I guess it's time to start…" Hermione ranted calmly and turned around in her seat to face Draco. "Malfoy, I want to be a death eater."

"Huh? No way! The Dark Lord will never accept you! I'm not even sure why he accepted Weasley! Honestly, letting muggle lovers into our circle…how could he? Wait until my father hears about this!" Draco commented.

"I don't know Malfoy, Granger is pretty cute." Blaise said as he walked over to Draco. Hermione began to blush. This enraged Pansy. She got up, walked over to where Blaise was standing and smacked him hard on the back.

"Zabini! How can you even think of saying that? She's a Gryffindor mudblood! It's just wrong!"

"Don't talk about my girlfriend like that!" Ron spat.

"You have no right to talk traitor!" Harry bellowed.

"I'm not a traitor!"

"By the look of that thing on your arm I'd say you are!" Parvati spat.

"I don't know you guys; Nott could've had something to do with it." Neville piped up. "I mean, he is a Slytherin and all."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Millicent asked as she stood up and began hitting her fist into her palm.

"Nothing!" Neville said before cowering under a desk.

"Why did the Dark Lord accept him and not us?" Crabbe asked Goyle who he now resided by.

"Don't know." Goyle replied. Dean Thomas came up behind them and gave them the answer.

"Because although you two are good at following orders, as Malfoy has shown us in our last six years here, you can't think for yourselves and are completely dimwitted." Dean said in a know-it-all sort of way. While the class continued to bicker back and forth, Seamus sat quietly in his seat snickering to himself. _How does Nott do it?_ He wondered; but even though Ron was one of his mates, he wanted to see how far this could go.

"Look you lot, this is sort of a big deal. Maybe we should get Professor McGonagall?" Seamus said carefully.

"You're absolutely right Seamus. Why didn't I think of it before? Come on, get your sense back Hermione…" Hermione mumbled to herself.

"I always knew you were nutters!" Draco sneered at the retreating back of Hermione as she ran out of the class to retrieve the headmistress but ran into a wall like figure just before she got to the door and fell onto the cold stone floor.

"Ouch, watch where you're going you lit-" Hermione began as she rubbed her head. She stopped when she looked up to see who the person who knocked her down was. "Oh, Professor McGonagall, just the person I was looking for."

"Get up Miss. Granger." Professor McGonagall said as she tapped a piece of parchment she had in her hand against her leg. "Now whatever it is you wish to tell me, please make it quick. This letter has to get to Professor Vector immediately."

"I doubt she will be able to read it Professor, in her current state anyway…"

"And what would that be?"

"Well Professor, she's fainted!" Apparently someone had noticed the state of the Arithmancy teacher.

"What?" Professor McGonagall stormed past Hermione into the class. She looked around at the arguing students. Without a second thought, she yelled "Quiet!" The class fell silent.

"What is the meaning of this?" She questioned. Everyone began talking at once again. With a simple 'Detention if you lot don't be quiet', the room, once again, fell silent. "Now, Miss. Patil, please tell me what is going on here and why Professor Vector is out cold."

"Professor Vector's fainted?" The girl said as she scrunched her face. Hermione nodded. "Oh. I never knew that. But as for the current situation Professor, everyone is a little uneasy because Ron revealed his dark mark."

"I did not reveal my dark mark!" Ron howled.

"So you admit it! It _is_ your dark mark!" Nott said gleefully.

"That's not what I meant!"

"So you mean to tell me…" Professor McGonagall began but was cut off by Harry who was still standing on his desk.

"My best friend is a death eater! Now, I'm going to need a new sidekick so I'm holding auditions Wednesday evening…Neville, are you available?"

"Only if it's before seven. I've got a date with Parvati." Neville answered before blushing. Parvati gleamed.

"That's enough!" Professor McGonagall spat. "Mr. Weasley, come with me. I have no idea what to do so we'll let Professor Dumbledore deal with this. Mr. Potter, seeing as you're in quite a miff about this you might as well come too. Mr. Thomas and Miss. Bulstrode, please take Professor Vector to the hospital wing. Make sure Madame Pomfrey tends to her immediately. Mr. Finnigan, please go and alert the rest of the Weasley's about Ron. I think they really need to know. As for the rest of you, back to your common rooms. I don't want this spreading all over the school. Class dismissed!"

Millicent Bulstrode trudged over to where Professor Vector was lying on the ground. She knelt down, slung her over her shoulder and headed for the door. Dean made sure to stay a fair few steps behind her. Seamus ran out, very anxious to find Fred and George although he would have to remember to get Ginny too. Harry and Ron followed Professor McGonagall out while bickering back and forth. The rest of the class stayed put until Professor McGonagall was out of earshot.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no!" Hermione grumbled.

"What are you on about Mudblood?" Pansy spat.

"Don't judge me! I'd love to see you spend a day in my shoes…"

"That can be arranged…" Nott muttered as he maniacally rubbed his hands together.

"But think about it Parkinson…my best friend and one true love were just taken to the headmaster's office! Not to mention one of them is being accused of serving the Dark Lord! I believe I have the right to be upset!" Hermione stated.

"So? You think any of us Slytherins are happy that Weasley's a death eater? I don't think so." Draco snarled.

"I can't believe it. That old bat wants us to go back to the common rooms and do nothing? We were the ones who witnessed it; we should be in there with them!" Pansy exclaimed.

"We could always listen through the door…" Blaise suggested. Everyone stared at him for a few seconds before rushing out the door down the corridor. Crabbe and Goyle just stared at the retreating backs of their classmates as they stayed rooted to the spot.

"Why are they leaving? The door's right here…" Goyle said as he got up and knelt beside the door. He motioned for Crabbe to join him and they both began to listen to nothing.

Seamus knocked on the closed door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts class room. It flew open suddenly revealing Professor Lupin with his wand in hand, standing at the front of the class (cliché number 81, Remus Lupin returning as the DADA professor…check!).

"Ah, Mr. Finnigan, how may I be of service?" Professor Lupin asked as he tucked his wand back into his cloak pocket.

"Well sir, there's been a sort of mishap…Professor McGonagall asked me to fetch Ginny immediately." Seamus replied shifting slightly. The whole class turned to gaze at the petite red-headed girl who turned a ghostly shade of white.

"Very well then. Ginny, you may be excused." Lupin said as he went and laid a hand on the girl's shoulder. She swiftly gathered her things and left the room. When she was sure the door was tightly closed behind her she went into a state of panic.

"Seamus, what happened? Is anyone hurt? Is Harry dead?" Ginny yelped.

"No, no, it's nothing like that…just think of it as a sort of game." Seamus reassured her.

"A game?" Ginny questioned.

"Yes. I'll explain everything once we retrieve Fred and George." _Well, I won't say everything…_ Seamus thought. "Now, do you know what class they're in right now?"

"Yeah, they're in Potions."

"Oh great, Snape will give us a hard time…"

The group of students ran off of the moving staircase that took them up to their headmaster's office with haste. Hermione was the first to reach the door. She knelt down and pressed her ear up tight against it trying to hear the conversation that was taking place inside.

"And just what do you think you're doing Granger?" Draco asked as he pushed his way through the crowd of students.

"Trying to hear what they're telling Ron!" Hermione exclaimed.

"No you're not. Move over." Draco said as he knelt down beside her.

"What?" Hermione asked confused.

"You heard me; move over. If anyone's going to be eavesdropping here it's going to be me."

"Why you?"

"Because I'm a Slytherin…duh!" He waved his hand at Hermione but she just stared at him. Getting frustrated, Draco pushed her over and took her place.

"What are they saying Draco?" Pansy simpered as she pushed Hermione even farther to the back so she could kneel beside her Slytherin Prince. Draco waited a moment before responding.

"Dumbledore said that's it's serious and he just called the order!"

"The order?" Ron yelled from the chair he was sitting in inside the huge office.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley. Bearing the dark mark is a serious thing. Imagine if we had students flashing their marks whenever they could? That would just cause turmoil…not to mention tattoos are against the dress code." Dumbledore replied before holding out a bowl of lemon drops. Ron didn't bother to acknowledge the candy…rather; he continued to shoot out a defense.

"But the whole of Slytherin house does it all the time! Have you not noticed Malfoy walking around all smug scaring the younger years by rolling up his left sleeve? And I'm not a death eater! This wasn't here earlier!" He said pointing at the offending mark on his arm. "I fell asleep in Arithmancy and I woke up with this! Someone must've drawn it on me when I was sleeping!"

"You fell asleep in Arithmancy?" Professor McGonagall gasped who was standing behind Dumbledore, "Five points from Gryffindor!"

"It looks real enough to me!" Harry exclaimed from the far wall. He was leaning up against it with his arms folded over his chest, one foot crossed over the other and a sneer planted on his face. If he had white-blonde hair and silvery eyes, anyone would have thought he was Malfoy! Well, if his scar miraculously disappeared. "And to think I trusted you for the last six years…"

"I've done nothing but stay true to this relationship for the last six years and you accuse me of betrayal?" Ron stormed. "And you think this thing looks real? It's sparkling purple for Merlin's sake! Obviously there's a conspiracy there!"

"I don't care if it sparkles pink! You still have the dark mark!" Harry raged. "You broke poor Hermione's heart!"

"I know…and I feel terrible." Ron stated. "But if you'll just listen to me and trust that I'm telling the truth, maybe I can win her back!"

"Ah, young love…" Dumbledore mumbled before interrupting their fight. "Now, Mr. Weasley, you'll have to be whipped into shape. I'm sure that by the end of the hour, you'll want to rid yourself of that mark once and for all."

"Huh?" Draco said as he contorted his face into one of confusion.

"What is it Malfoy?" Parvati questioned.

"They said something about whipping him." Draco answered.

"Kinky!" Dean exclaimed.

"I know. But I find that leather straps and bondage work better." Blaise noted.

"But that's totally barbaric!" Hermione cried who by now had pushed her way back up beside Draco and Pansy.

"I know." Draco agreed. "But he deserved it…joining the Dark lord." At this, Hermione punched Draco in the arm.

"Ow!" Draco whined as he turned to scowl at Hermione. "How dare y-" He began but Pansy cut him off.

"Touch him again Granger and when Bulstrode comes back I'll make sure we have a replay from second year." Hermione glared at Pansy before backing away.

Seamus just pushed open the door to the Potion's class when…BOOM! The two stared into a cloud of smoke. People choked and coughed and when the haze cleared, they saw Fred and George with black on their faces and a disgusted looking Snape.

"WEASLEYS!" Snape bellowed as he headed for them. Ginny gazed upon the scene and gave a quick knock on the wall. Snape stopped dead in his tracks and looked up.

"What do you two want? And why are you out of class?" He asked as he straightened up.

"Well, Professor McGonagall told us to bring Fred and George to Dumbledore's office as soon as possible. There's been a small mishap with their brother Ron…" Seamus explained. Ginny let out a small gasp and Fred and George looked bored.

"What did he do this time?" Fred asked.

"Turn his ears into kumquats again?" George continued.

"That'll be the third time this week…" Fred mumbled.

"Let's just say it has to do with a certain Slytherin signature mark…" Seamus sighed.

"What about my house?" Snape asked shocked.

"RON!" The twins yelled as they got up and bolted for the door.

"Sorry Professor Snape…" Fred said as he grabbed his satchel.

"Got to fly!" George said as he held the door open for his brother. When the four were safely outside George slammed the door. A faint noise echoed out into the corridor that sounded faintly like 'detention'. They began walking quickly down the corridor. They were almost out of the dungeons when Seamus spoke up.

"So, Ron isn't in trouble or anything…well, not serious anyways…"

"What do you mean?" Ginny shrieked.

"Well, when we were in Arithmancy, Nott broke a rule." Seamus continued.

"What rule? And who's Nott?" Ginny asked frantically.

"Wicked!" George exclaimed.

"Which one?" Fred asked.

"The one with the dark mark. And Ron was the victim." Seamus answered.

"Victim? Dark mark? You're not making any sense!" Ginny ranted.

"On the contrary Gin, he's making perfect sense…" Fred began.

"Just not to you." George finished. By this time they were standing outside the statue that led up to Dumbledore's office. Seamus stared at it for a second before hitting his head.

"Why did you do that mate?" George asked as he watched Seamus rub the spot on his forehead where his hand made contact.

"I forgot to get the password from Professor McGonagall." Seamus sighed.

"Well then, we'll just have to guess." Fred stated.

"Um…chocolate frogs?" Ginny spat.

"Bertie Botts!" Fred yelled.

"Acid pops!" George cried.

"Firewhisky!" Seamus hollered.

"Firewhisky isn't a candy." Ginny stated.

"I know. But I like it." Seamus replied.

"Pumpkin pasties!"

"Lemon drops!"

"Liquorice wands!"

"Ice mice!"

"Jelly slugs!"

"Cockroach clusters!"

"Butterbeer!"

"That's not a candy either!" Ginny whined.

"So, I want a bottle!" Seamus retaliated. "All this yelling is making me thirsty."

"Drooble's best blowing gum!"

"Fizzing Whizbees!" The statue turned around and the staircase began to descend upwards. The group stepped on and let it take them to the top. When they got off they were surprised to see a group of no less than six students couching in front of the door.

"Hey! What are you lot doing up here?" Ginny said as she moved through the crowd.

"Shhh! We're eavesdropping…" Pansy said quietly.

"Well you lot are going to need to move for a minute. Professor McGonagall wants these three in there immediately." Seamus said gesturing to the Weasleys.

"You can't open the door now, they'll see us!" Nott spoke up for the first time in awhile.

"Well how else are we going to get in?" Fred asked impatiently.

"Quick, everyone flatten against the wall!" Neville commanded.

"Flatten against the wall? That will never work!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Shut your gob and flatten Granger!" Nott yelled. The group of students got up from the door and hastily flattened their bodies against the wall. They watched in anticipation as Ginny knocked on the door. It swung open immediately revealing an irate looking professor McGonagall.

"Oh, it's you Ginny…come right in." McGonagall said as she hurried the girl inside. Fred and George made to follow but the door banged shut.

"Hey!" Fred exclaimed as he knocked loudly. "Open up!" The door opened once again; this time revealing Professor Snape.

"What do you want Weasleys?" Snape asked.

"How did you get up here so fast?" Fred questioned looking confused.

"And how could you have passed us without us seeing you?" George wondered aloud.

"I have my ways…now what do you want?" Snape replied smoothly.

"To come in." George stated simply.

"You know that Professor McGonagall called for us." Fred added.

"What's the password?" Snape muttered maliciously.

"Password?" The twins said together.

"Yes, the password, you need it for entry." Snape explained.

"What password? McGonagall didn't say anything about a password!" Fred exclaimed.

"More like Seamus didn't say anything." George grumbled.

"She didn't give me a password!" Seamus yelled from, his place at the wall. Snape however, ignored him and turned his attention back to the matter at hand.

"Be that as it may, no password, no entry."

"But you let Ginny in!" George protested.

"And she didn't have to give a password!" Fred complained.

"If you didn't notice it was Minerva who let her in, not me." Snape spat.

"But we-" Fred began.

"Uh-uh." Snape interrupted.

"But she-" George tried.

"Nope." Snape stated.

"You know we need to-" Fred cried.

"Have a nice day Mr. Weasleys." Snape said venomously before slamming the door on them.

"Great! Now how are we going to get in?" George screamed as he threw his hands up in the air.

"I guess you two will just have to stay out here with us." Parvati said as she reclaimed her previous position of sitting on the floor.

"Just perfect…Ron is getting punished and we don't get to see it…" Fred com eavesdropping…" before pressing his ear against the door once more.

Back in the Arithmancy classroom, Crabbe and Goyle still had their heads pressed up against the door that led out into the empty hallway.

"Hey Goyle…"

"Yeah Crabbe?"

"I don't hear anything…"

"Neither do I."

"Maybe the others were right in running away like that."

"Don't be stupid Crabbe! They said that they were going to listen at the door, so that's exactly what we're doing."

"But-"

"Shhh! I think I hear something!"

MEOW!

They looked around the corner to see Mrs. Norris coming towards them…

"Isn't that Filch's cat?" Goyle asked.

"I don't think so." Crabbe replied.

"Hey Mrs. Norris, where did you go my pet?" A voice said from around the corner. Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other before yelling in unison…

"RUN!"

"I think you two should leave now. Professor Vector needs her rest." Madame Pomfrey said as she pulled around the curtains of the bed the unconscious Professor was lying on. "Tell Professor McGonagall that she should be fine by tomorrow." Madame Pomfrey shooed Dean and Millicent out of the hospital wing. They took their time walking back down the corridor to the Arithmancy class.

"So…" Dean began, trying to start friendly conversation.

"So…" Millicent replied. "We're all alone…in this dark dank corridor…" _Oh no! What is she saying? It can't be! Does Millicent Bulstrode fancy me? She can't! But then why did she keep trying to edge closer to me while we were talking to Madame Pomfrey? Eww! Gross! That's just wrong!_ Dean's thoughts argued with each other while he tried to stay as far away form Millicent as possible without looking unfriendly. This continued until they reached the empty Arithmancy classroom.

"Were did everyone go?" Dean wondered out loud.

"Well if I know Draco and Pansy, they would want to go and eavesdrop on McGonagall." Millicent replied knowingly.

"So you're saying…" Dean began.

"They're in front of Dumbledore's office." Millicent finished for him. She placed her arm around his shoulders and ushered him out of the room. Dean looked mortified but went along with her anyways, afraid of what she would do to him if he didn't.

"Well Miss. Weasley, your brother has gotten himself into quite a sticky situation." Professor Dumbledore said as he looked over his half moon spectacles at Ginny.

"What happened Sir?" At this point, Ginny was sitting beside Ron in an arm-chair, Professor Snape was standing to one side of Dumbledore's desk with McGonagall on the other and Harry was still standing sulkily at the wall.

"Well, it seems as though-" Dumbledore began but was cut off by Harry.

"Ron is a death eater!" Harry screamed as he ran over to where Ron was sitting and pushed his arm into Ginny's field of view. "Look…you see!"

"Hey! It's purple!" Ginny shrieked.

"See! I'm not the only one who thinks it a conspiracy!" Ron shouted.

"Actually Ron, it could still be real, it being purple just means that Lord Voldemort has really good taste in colors." Ginny said as she smiled.

"If I may have an opinion Albus," Snape said sardonically as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Perhaps, Mr. Weasley here is telling the truth. It could be possible that one of the other students drew it on him when he was asleep."

"Thank you Professor Snape!" Ron said as he tossed his arms in the air.

"However…" Snape began as Ron's face fell. "If it is true that he has been initiated, perhaps a little trip is in order, let's say, to an old, eerie fortress guarded by Dementors who are ready to suck his soul out at any minute." Ron and Ginny looked petrified but Harry's grin was growing larger by the minute.

"Now, now Severus, I don't think that he will be going to Azkaban anytime soon." Dumbledore reasoned bringing the color back into Ron's face.

"They're going to send him to Azkaban!" Draco shouted at the crowd who were getting more anxious by the second.

"What?" Hermione shrieked. "They can't do that!"

"Dumbledork makes the rules, not me Granger." Draco said as he stared her in the eyes. "Honestly, if I were headmaster, I wouldn't send him away like that..."

MUNCH!

"I don't believe you! You'd have him out of here in a heart beat!" Hermione cried.

MUNCH!

"Think about it Mudblood, if I sent Weasley to Azkaban, who would I have to annoy?"

"Me!"

MUNCH!

"Pansy, tell her I'm telling the truth…" Draco turned to his right to talk to his girlfriend but she wasn't there… "Pansy?" Draco called out.

MUNCH!

Draco and Hermione turned around to see everyone eating popcorn. Pansy, at the time, was helping Fred and George turn the kernels different colors.

"What the-…Pansy, get back up here this ins-" Draco began but was cut short by George's voice saying…

"Hey Neville, pass these up to Hermione and Malfoy would you?"

"Sure thing mate." Neville replied. He got up from the newly made circle of people eating popcorn, a good but away from the door and walked over with two bags of blue popcorn. "Here you go." Neville said as he handed the Popcorn to Hermione and Draco.

"Thanks Longbottom." Draco said as he began to eat his popcorn.

"Popcorn…POPCORN!" Hermione shrieked. "Ron is in there getting his sentence for Azkaban and you lot are out here making popcorn?"

"Multicolored popcorn." Neville inserted.

"How can you eat at a time like this?"

"Fine then…" Draco said as he reached over and took Hermione's bag.

"What are you doing?" She asked him after Neville went back to the group.

"Eating my popcorn." Draco replied innocently.

"Don't you mean eating MY popcorn?" Hermione questioned as she glared at him.

"But you said that you couldn't eat at a time like this…"

"Well I lied." Hermione said as she grabbed her popcorn back and began shoving it into her mouth like a barbarian.

Draco went back to listening to the door but soon choked on his popcorn.

"What? What is it?" Hermione asked urgently.

"No way!" Draco said in a scared voice.

"WHAT?"

"I can't believe he is saying that! Especially with all those people in there!"

"SPIT IT OUT DRACO!" Draco gave her a small smirk before answering.

"So Granger, you were in Weasley's dorm room last night. Truthfully I never knew you could be so naughty! I'll bet he sure enjoyed the ride!" Hermione began to blush then turned a violent shade of purple.

"He's what?" She hollered. "When he gets out of there I'm going to kill him! What we do behind closed doors is our business and no one else's! So what if I went to his dorm last night and snogged the mickey out of him before shagging him to death and losing my virginity to him and Harry at the same time!" By this time, everyone was staring at her with open mouths.

"Eww! Granger, too much information! I was just joking when I said that! I was just doing it to annoy you! None of needed to know about your shagging escapades with Weaselby and the bloody boy who bloody lived!" Draco shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Did she just say what I think she said?" Snape asked as a disgusted look crossed his face.

"NO!" Harry and Ron screamed in unison.

"If you lied about that, then what are they actually saying?" Hermione said as she curled up into a ball, trying to block her face from the prying eyes of the popcorn eating group of students.

"They were talking about how the order didn't get here yet." Draco said truthfully. All of a sudden, there was a knock from the other side of the door. Cautiously, Draco turned back to the keyhole and spoke…"Hello?"

"Hello…is this you Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore's voice answered back.

"Yes Sir." Draco said with a confused look on his face. "What can I help you with?"

"Is there anyone out there with you besides Miss. Granger?"

"Yes." Draco replied back. Now, Hermione also had her head pressed up against the door.

"Don't tell him anything." Hermione whispered to Draco.

"Shut it Granger…if I'm going down, you're all going down with me." Draco replied voice.

"No need for that attitude Mr. Malfoy. None of you will get into trouble. I'm well aware that there is a group of students out there with you trying hear the fate of your friend Mr. Weasley." Dumbledore replied.

"Oh. Well in that case…" Hermione began as she turned around to look at the group who were now playing a game of 'spin the wand', "There's Fred and George, Neville, Parvati, Blaise, Pansy and Nott. Crabbe and Goyle were with us to begin with but no one knows were they have got off to. Dean and Millicent are in the Hospital wing with Professor Vector and…oh, Seamus is out here too!"

"Seamus? Could you pass along a message to him for me?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"Sure. What is it?" Draco asked.

"Could you tell him I need a message to be delivered to Professor Lupin?"

"Hey Finnigan," Draco shouted to Seamus who just pulled out of a kiss with Pansy. "Hey! Don't you ever kiss my girlfriend again!"

"Sorry mate, it was the wand that chose the witch, not me…" Seamus answered unnerved.

"Anyways…Professor Dumbledore wants you to go and deliver a message to Professor Lupin."

"Sure."

"Tell him that he is needed in my office immediately." Dumbledore cued.

"Tell him that he is needed up here A.S.A.P." Draco repeated.

"Would he like this message delivered naked?" Seamus asked. Draco contorted his face before turning back to the door.

"Shall he deliver it naked?"

"Not this time Mr. Malfoy."

"Not this time." Hermione said as she turned to Seamus.

"Is that all Sir?" Draco asked.

"No actually." Dumbledore continued. "I have reason to believe that you lot are out there eating popcorn. Please give us six bags of all different colors."

"You got it." Draco said as he saw Seamus sulking off. "We need six bags of multicolored popcorn up here pronto!" Blaise grabbed the six bags and knocked on the door. Dumbledore opened it and thanked Blaise, Draco and Hermione before moving back into his office.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I believe it's my turn to spin the wand." Blaise said as he headed back over to the circle.

Millicent and Dean were just at the statue when Seamus appeared stepping off the turning steps as the statue turned around.

"Hey, where are you going?" Dean asked Seamus.

"To find Professor Lupin. He's needed up in Dumbledore's office." Seamus replied.

"Is everyone up there?" Dean questioned him.

"Yep."

"Told you so." Millicent said with a smug look on her face. Seamus began to trudge off but was stopped by Dean.

"Hey, what's the password?"

"Oh yeah…it's Fizzing Whizbees." Seamus replied nonchalantly. _Hey, wait a minute…is Bulstrode holding Dean's hand? Nah, can't be…_ Seamus thought before he walked off.

"Fizzing Whizbees." Millicent commanded as the statue turned around. They got on the stairs and waited to get to the top.

"OUCH!" Crabbe whined.

"You're loss sonny." Filch said as he picked up his next card. You see, when Crabbe and Goyle ran from that voice, they ended up going right towards it. Filch caught them…asked what they were doing out of class, they couldn't give a straight answer so he gave them detention which brings us to this point in time, where he has forced them to play thirteen games of exploding snap with him in a row; all of which he won. Crabbe and Goyle's hands were bruised beyond compared while Filch didn't have a scratch.

"When are you going to let us go?" Goyle whimpered.

"When one of you finally wins a game." Filch replied as Mrs. Norris jumped up on his lap.

"That means we'll be in here forever…" Crabbe said glumly as he touched a card…

SNAP!

"Ouch!"

Seamus had already looked in the DADA classroom but Lupin wasn't there. So, Seamus's instinct drove him towards the staff room. He knocked on the door but there was no answer. Cautiously, he opened the door. Inside, he found Lupin and Tonks, sitting on two arm chairs, drinking hot chocolate.

"Tonks?" Seamus said confused. "When did you get here?" Lupin and Tonks turned towards the door and beckoned Seamus inside.

"Just arrived not that long ago actually Seamus. Got a call from Dumbledore telling me to get over here right away…but I couldn't help paying Lupin here a little visit first."

"Well, your visit has just been cut short because Dumbledore wants Professor Lupin up there right now." Lupin groaned as he set down his hot chocolate.

"Alright. This calls for my emergency supplies." Lupin said as he moved over to a cabinet and pulled out a big black suit case.

"What's in there Professor?" Seamus asked curiously.

"Chocolate…what else?" Tonks joked as she went into the staff bathroom. She emerged minutes later in a pair of black dress pants, a pair of white hot pink trainers, and a Weird Sister's shirt. She swiftly morphed her hair into an electric blue color and made it wrap up into a tight bun. She quickly popped on a pair of shiny silver sunglasses to top off her look.

"Do I look serious enough Seamus?" She giggled. Seamus laughed.

"Serious enough for me!" He joked as he led the two back up to Dumbledore's office.

The door to Dumbledore's office opened and Lupin and Tonks walked inside.

"What on Merlin's name are you wearing?" Snape questioned Tonks.

"My serious outfit!" She exclaimed in a cheery voice.

"For one thing, I don't think electric blue is serious, and second of all, neither does dressing like you're still in school here!" Snape spat.

"Oh lighten up Sevie, I'm just having a bit of fun!"

"I do not think the theme of this meeting is 'fun', Nymphadora." Tonks scowled at the use of her first name but turned her attention over to Dumbledore.

"What seems to be the problem Albus?" Lupin asked as he conjured two chairs for himself and Tonks.

"Well it seems that-" Dumbledore began but was interrupted by three guesses who.

"Ron has the Dark Mark!" Harry yelled. By now, he had become accustomed to saying these words.

"What?" Tonks yelped. "That can't be! Ron, tell me it's not true!"

"It's not…" Ron said nonchalantly. "Although I'm pretty sure I won't get any justification from these too." He said as he gestured to Harry and Ginny.

"Oh my." Lupin said sounding completely unfazed. "I know exactly what we all need…" Lupin opened his suitcase and pulled out several bars of chocolate. He passed them around before Snape had time to object.

"Oh, can I have hot chocolate Remus?" Tonks asked as she made puppy dog eyes.

"Of course Nymph…" Lupin quickly conjured a cup of hot chocolate for his girlfriend.

"Do you mind?" Snape asked as he wrinkled his nose at the smell of the chocolate.

"No, not at all." Professor McGonagall said as she broke off a piece of chocolate right next to Snape's ear.

"Ahh!" He yelled. Everyone laughed except for Harry who was still in a foul mood. All of a sudden, there was a weird ringing sound.

"What was that?" Ginny asked as she joined everyone in looking around the room.

"Oh, that must me the Order calling." Dumbledore said as he turned towards an empty picture frame on the wall. "Would you mind getting that Severus?" Snape scowled but walked over to the empty picture. He stared into it and the face of Mad Eye Moody materialized.

"Hello? Are you there Albus?" Moody asked.

"It's Severus…where are you lot? You were called on almost an hour ago!"

"I know but Kingsley insisted that we stop in Hogsmeade for a cup of tea at Madame Puddifoot's so we're all here right now and we should be there soon." Moody replied.

"How long do you mean by 'soon'?" Snape asked grumpily.

"About an hour or so."

"An hour or so?" Snape bellowed.

"Well, we're all currently in the middle of eating and I refuse to leave until I finish my chocolate malt."

"Why is everyone so obsessed with chocolate?"

"I don't know. But Molly said she also wants to finish her pie."

"What? Quit stalling and get here!"

"We're not stalling…and by the way, did Tonks get there alright?"

"Unfortunately yes…"

"Hey!" Tonks shrieked from her seat. She reached into Lupin's bag, pulled out a bar of white chocolate and chucked it at Snape. It hit him on the back of the head. He spun around and stared at the group.

"Alright…that's it! Which one of you threw a bar of chocolate at me?" Snape hollered.

"Someone threw a bar of chocolate at you? Ha!" Moody's voice said from the wall.

"It was you wasn't it?" Snape said as he glared at Harry.

"What? I've been quiet this whole time, not making a sound or bothering anyone!" Harry retaliated.

"Yeah right!" The rest of the room chorused.

"That's it! I'm out of here!" Snape yelled as he stormed out of the room. Everyone stared after him.

"What's his problem? Moody asked before his image disappeared.

The door burst open and Snape stormed out, almost tripping on Hermione and Draco.

"You two, out of my way…" He said as he walked past them. "Longbottom, stop snogging Patil! Bulstrode, get your hands off of Thomas!" At that, Hermione and Draco turned to find Dean Thomas, pressed up against the wall while Millicent Bulstrode was letting her hands roam freely over him. Dean, on the other hand, had a look that told them he would rather be at the bottom of the Black Lake than where he currently stood.

"Eww." Hermione said. Snape disappeared around the corner with one last 'why do I even bother'. Draco stared at the open door then turned his gaze over to Hermione.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked mischievously.

"Only if you are. But shouldn't we tell the others?" She asked as she looked back to the group of students, now drinking a goblet of firewhisky every time the wand stopped on them.

"Don't bother; they seem to be preoccupied with other things…" With that, Draco grabbed Hermione by the arm, drug her into the room then closed the door.

"What are you two doing here?" Ron asked as he spun around in his chair at the noise of the door closing.

"Well, we thought since you lost a member of your jury, you could do with two more members." Draco replied as he leaned up against Dumbledore's desk.

"You honestly think you can help out this matter Mr. Malfoy?" McGonagall asked.

"As a matter of fact I do." Draco replied. He walked over to Ron and stared at the bright mark on his arm.

"Don't hurt him!" Hermione squealed.

"Don't worry Granger, I have no intention of touching your boyfriend here…" Draco said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Although if it was Harry, I think my mind may change…" He muttered under his breath. "Well, first of all, it's sparkling purple…obviously there's a conspiracy there." Draco stated.

"Who would have thought…the enemy is the only one who agrees with me!" Ron exclaimed.

"Next," Draco said as he rolled up his sleeve revealing his own dark mark, "It looks nothing like line, and it's authentic. You see how on mine the likes are tightly knit and burned in? Weasley's here are scribbled on. It's quite apparent that someone drew it." Everyone stared at Draco, their mouths agape.

"See, I told you he flaunts the fact that he's a death eater whenever he can!" Ron yelled.

"Quiet Weasley or I'll tell everyone what you did with Granger last night." Draco threatened.

"I'm pretty sure everyone already knows with her big mouth…" Ron grumbled. Hermione blushed but didn't speak.

"Anyways," Draco continued, "A small bit of Mrs. Scower's Magical Mess Remover should do the trick. He pulled out his wand and a small bottle appeared on the desk. He picked it up and handed it to Hermione. "Ganger, if you would do the honors…" Hermione looked at the bottle hesitantly before pouring a bit on Ron's arm and rubbing it in. Almost instantly, the mark disappeared. Everyone gasped and Ron jumped up and down in glee.

"Yes! I'm free! No more mark! Woo-hoo!" Ron yelled as he ran around the room hugging people but stopped when he came to Draco.

"Um…thanks Malfoy, for believing me and all."

"No problem…but don't think it will become tradition or anything." Draco retaliated.

"Well," Dumbledore began as he stood up from his chair, "I think this calls for a celebration. To the Great Hall!" Dumbledore opened the door to the corridor only to hear a weird chanting.

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

At the end of the corridor, the group of students and various members of the order of the Phoenix were chanting for Kingsley and Moody to kiss. Some of which were eating multicolored popcorn.

"What is the meaning of this?" McGonagall shrieked as she ran into the middle of the crowd.

"We got delayed." Molly said as she took her turn. She was involved in a game of tic tac toe with Nott. Ron eyes grew wide as he watched Nott mark an 'X' in the middle block with sparkly purple ink.

"YOU!" Ron shrieked as he pointed at Nott.

"What?" Nott asked innocently as he looked up.

"You were the one who almost got me sent to Azkaban!"

"Was not! What did I do?"

"You drew the Dark Mark on my arm while I was asleep in Arithmancy!"

"Can't prove it!"

"Malfoy, you believe me don't you?" Ron said pleadingly as he turned to Draco.

"Yes Weasley, I do believe that Nott here was the one who drew on you but as much fun as pulverizing him into the ground sounds, I have had it with helping out you Gryffindorks. Not to mention I have a hair appointment in an hour." Draco responded nonchalantly.

"So no one is going to help me?" Ron demanded. Everyone shook their heads no. "Fine then!" He threw his arms up in the air and began chasing Nott down the corridor to the stairs.

"Ah, young love." Dumbledore sighed dreamily.

"What?" Everyone gasped.

"Nothing." Dumbledore chuckled before taking a seat in the middle of the group and spinning the wand.

A/N: Sorry about the wait. This chapter took a very long time to write but I hope it was worth it. Eleen said IS DEAD about the Hermione's confession part.waiting to finish chapter 12 and 14 so we can post the already finished chpaters 13 and 15. Anyways, this is Aspen typing the author's note and I personally can't wait to finish off up to chpater 21 becaue that is when the really good rules come into play. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it and stay with us for all 150 rules. Also, the chapters will no longer be called Thou Shalt Not (insert word here). It is too uncreative so they will change from here on out. Until next time...the way...readers of my Seducment of a Slytherin story under the penname dracoaspen (me by myself), I feel obligated to inform you that chapter 30 has been finished for a long time but I am holding it and my new oneshot hostage until Eleen decides to post her Miss Hilton Lucius Malfoy video, and her Harry/Draco video on YouTube. So if you want them posted...review and bug her to post them. See you at the end of the next chapter!


	13. Outstriped By Passing Butterflies

Rule#12 House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

"Why are you cowering in here?" Pansy entered the boy's dormitory with her hands on her hips.

"I'm not cowering," protested Blaise.

"Yes you are!"

A thundering voice from the common room reached their ears…

"YOU BUNCH OF BLOODY IDIOTS! USELESS PRATTS!"

"No," continued Blaise. "I'm not the one cowering. "

"Well I guess everyone-"

"You misunderstand me," He said leading her deeper into the dorm "If I was cowering I would be in the closet." He indicated the closet door.

"The closet?"

Blaise opened the door.

Nott glared up at him "Hey! Get your own hiding spot!"

"I see." Said Pansy, drawing Nott's attention to her.

"Ah, Miss. Parkinson! Care to join me? It's at bit cramped but I'm sure I can-"

She shut the closet door silencing him.

"Fine!" he yelled "But you'll be singing a different tune once Malfoy's rage envelopes this room!"

Pansy rolled her eyes. "I'll take my chances."

Just then their Seeker stormed in. His normally pristine exterior was gone; his blonde hair was in disarray and his green robes filthy. And he was no longer as cool and composed as was the usual, instead he was livid and his eyes held an intense crazed look. Draco Malfoy glared at the occupants of the room.

"THOSE STUPID BLEEDING GRYFFINDORS!" he bellowed collapsing onto the nearest bed. "AND MY TEAM DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE QUAFFLE AND A DAMN BUTTERFLY!"

"It wasn't that bad." Said Pansy sitting on the bed beside Malfoy and beginning to massage his temples.

"YES IT WAS!"

"Stop screaming…" muttered Blaise. "You're giving me a migraine…"

"I'LL SCREAM IF I WANT!" he retorted loudly, "WE COULD HAVE WON IF-" he shot up off the bed knocking Pansy's hands aside "WHERE IS HE! WHERE IS THAT LITTLE BASTARD?!"

"What?"

"I'll kill him!" cried Malfoy. "Where is he?!"

"Who?"

"NOTT!"

Malfoy was flying above the stadium in hot pursuit of the snitch; Potter was a foot behind him dodging the opposing seeker's left foot, which was determined to thwart him. Potter had beaten Malfoy numerous times before and Malfoy was convinced that if his fingers closed around that snitch it would start the turning of the tables and put those mudblood loving freaks in their place: back below the Slytherins. His mind was focused on one thing: that bloody little winged ball. His fingers were inches from it when something shattered his concentration.

BEEEEEEEEERRRRMMMMMUUUUMMMMMMM

"What the?"

"Hey Malfoy!" called a green supporter, a horn clutched in his hand "How's it going up there?"

"HARRY POTTER HAS CAUGHT THE SNITCH!" boomed the commentator "GRYFFINDOR WINS!"

In unison, Pansy and Blaise slowly pointed to the closet, where a faint, seemingly innocent whistling was coming from.

"What are we going to do?" said Blaise, moving beside Pansy, a safe distance from the enraged Malfoy.

"Why do we care?" Pansy picked at a frayed string in the blanket. "It's just Nott…"

"If there's any sigh of blood we get them apart."

"But blood's the best part!"

"Yes, but it stains."

"Of course." Pansy nodded "Where is that carpet from anyway?"

"Finest Persian Workmanship." Said Blaise. "Only the best Purebloods."

"I love that color, it really complements the silver on the walls."

Meanwhile…

Malfoy had wrenched open the closet door to find a Nott sized lump of robes.

"Don't hurt me." It squeaked.

"I'm not-"

"No," said the lump "that's me-"

"SHUT UP!" bellowed Malfoy. "AS I WAS SAYING: I'm not going to hurt you I'm simply going to beat the life from your tiny useless little body till everyone forgets you ever existed!"

"That could be messy." Said Blaise.

"Sound like it could result in blood-spatter residue." Commented Pansy, pensively.

"Save the carpet!" they yelled in unison, grabbing Malfoy.

"Get your hands off me!" Malfoy yelled, trying to fight them off as they dragged him out of the dormitory. "Unhand me at once!"

Pansy and Blaise ignored his demands and with surprising strength dragged him all the way to the Common room where most of the Quidditich team was gathered with green-clad supporters.

"We can't let you kill Nott." Said Pansy calmly, as she bound his hands together.

"Why?" Malfoy pouted "It's just Nott…"

"What's the big problem, anyway?" asked Blaise, restraining Malfoy.

"If it wasn't for Nott we would have won."

* * *

Theodore Nott lay in the bottom of the closet, he had covered himself in robes when he heard the wrath of Malfoy enter. And just as he thought Malfoy was going to tear him limb from limb Blaise and Pansy miraculously rescued him. And now he sat waiting for Draco to return and Avada Kedavra his arse. Instead Ernie Macmillan found him. 

"Ernie!" said Nott, jumping up. "Thank Merlin!"

"Don't thank me yet." Said Ernie grimly, handing him a scroll of parchment.

Nott opened the scroll and began to read. "The is a Common Room Court summoning for one Theodore Apollodoros Nott who is charged with causing Slytherin to loose the Quidditich Match against Gryffindor on the morning of January the 16th. Court will be held on the afternoon of January the 16th. Attendance is mandatory. Failing to attend warrants the punishment of death. " Nott finished the Scroll and looked up at Ernie. "What the hell?"

"You really didn't think you could get away with this?"

"I…wait! What are you doing here?"

"I'm your lawyer!"

"Great! My fate rest in the hands of a Hufflepuff!"

"Hey!" Said Ernie "I watch loads of courtroom dramas and Legally Blonde!"

"Listen," said Nott. "I committed no crime and-"

"No time to talk!" said Ernie; "We've late for court!"

"What-"

"Come on!" commanded Ernie. Ernie grabbed Nott's arm and led him out of the dorm at top speed. Nott almost fell down the stairs as they bolted to the common room.

"Ahhhhh!" shouted Nott, "Why me? I'm being kidnapped by a Hufflepuff!"

Nott turned the corner and saw that the Slytherin common room had been transformed into a makeshift courtroom. In front of the windows at the back of the room was a floating desk and behind it in a floating chair sat Professor McGonagall in a long black robe. In front of her sat Hermione Granger her wand poised at a typewriter. Ernie steered Nott towards a desk on the left side of the room. Over on the right side of the room Nott caught sight of the jury; the ten jurors were squished onto the common room's two black leather sofas and were clad in plain indigo robes. Nott looked to the left of McGonagall and saw Blaise dressed in Wizengamot Bailiff robes and to Nott's right sat Malfoy still in his Quidditich robes. Beside him sat Pansy Parkinson, although this Parkinson didn't look like the Parkinson he had seen five minutes ago. This girl was dressed in a crisp gray suit and black dragon hide heels and had, for some reason, donned black horned rim glasses. Everyone stared at Nott, you could have heard a pin drop.

"You're late!" barked McGonagall, and the Mudblood tapped the typewriter.

"But-"

"ORDER!" McGonagall bellowed banging her gavel. "ORDER IN THE COURT!"

"We beg the courts apologies for our lateness you honor." Ernie said, he tapped his shoulder and was suddenly wearing a suit/robe ensemble.

"Save it Macmillan!"

"Yes your honor!"

"Nott!" shrieked McGonagall. "How do you plead?"

"Err…"

"Doesn't matter! Counsel call your first witness!"

Pansy jumped out of her seat. "We call to the stand Mr. Fred and Mr. George Weasley!"

The Weasley twins materialized on the floating witness stand.

"Bloodtraitors!" barked Pansy approaching the witness stand. "Tell us what occurred on Saturday January the 16."

"Should we start from the beginning?"

"Please do."

"Well…"

_Fred and Gorge, like everyone else always looked forward to the Quidditich matches between longtime rivals Gryffindor and Slytherin and today was another chance for the Gryffindors to beat the Slytherins, they loved doing that. This game in particular, looked as if it would go the Gryffindors way again. "Gryffindor leads 90 to 20!" boomed the commentator. "And it's Katie Bell in possession of the Quaffle, and OH! Bludger to the shoulder, that's got to hurt! Those Bludgers have been acting partially brutal today. And it's Vaisley with the Quaffle..." "Yeah…" said Fred to George as they chased the offending Bludger, "especially towards us…"_

_"…The Slytherins are practically unscratched…"_

_"…funny…"_

_"…Yeah funny," above them thunder sounded and rain began to pour down on the pitch._

_"Slytherins."_

_"We need a timeout…."Said George, "…you get that Bludger, and I'll get Harry."_

_Fred tore after the Bludger as George swerved after their seeker._

_"Harry!" he bellowed over the crowd, "We need a timeout."_

_"Why?" Harry slowed down a bit._

_"Bludgers."_

_"Right." Harry swerved and signaled to Madam Hooch who blew her whistle._

_The Captain landed and the Gryffindor team landed around him._

_"What is it Harry?"_

_"We have to do something about these Bludgers!" said Fred._

_"Yeah," said Katie, rubbing her shoulder. "They've hardly touched the Slytherins."_

_"They've definitely been tampered with." Said George._

_"Three guesses who." Said Ginny._

_"Well last time it was a house elf…." Said Harry._

"Hold on," Ernie had stood up and interrupted the twin's recollection of the day's events. "What dose this have to do with the matter at hand?"

"Counsel, approach the bench." Ordered McGonagall. "Mr. Macmillan has a point, what is the relevance?"

"I'm simply trying to sort out the days events, lay everything out on the table."

McGonagall thought for a moment. "Proceed."

"Thank you, your honor." Said Pansy; "you were saying Mr. Weasley?"

"Well that's when we got the perfect idea…."

_"I have the perfect idea!" Said Fred._

_"You thinking what I'm thinking?" George asked Fred._

_"Aren't I always?"_

_The twins raced away from the team and bolted up the nearest staircase into the stands._

_"Neville!"_

_The twins collided with Neville Longbottom in the Gryffindor section._

_"We need your help!" yelled Fred._

_"We need Houselves!" shouted George._

_"Houselves?" asked Neville, bewildered. "Why would you need Houselves?"_

_"Houselves!" Shrieked a voice._

_Dean and Hermione came running up behind Neville._

_"What's going on Neville?" asked Dean, Neville shrugged and Dean turned to the twins._

_"We're going to do something about those Bludgers." Said Fred_

_"I'm…in…" Seamus collapsed onto Neville, panting with the effort of catching up with them. "You run to bloody fast…"_

_"Wait, what are we doing?" asked Neville._

_"Whatever you lot are doin'…I'm in…." muttered Seamus, pulling the hood of his cloak farther over his face._

_"Shut up! All of you!" yelled Hermione; she marched right up to Fred and George. "What's all this about Houselves!"_

_"Well we were thinking you lot could go to the kitchen-"_

_"I've been there loads of times!" Seamus piped up. "Yeah I've been to the kitchen to pick up some strawberries…a little bit of whipped-"_

_"To much information." Hermione interrupted him, cringing._

_George began to explain "Anyway, we were thinking if we replaced the meddled Bludgers with two Houselves-"_

_"WHAT!?" shrieked Hermione, grabbing onto the front of George's robes and shaking him vigorously. "Are you CRAZY! You can't use Houselves as Bludgers!"_

_" 'Mione-" Fred began._

_"Don't 'Mione me!" Hermione turned to Fred and yelled in his face, causing the beater to recoil. "You stupid cruel little boy!" she jabbed her finger at his chest "I'm going to go to McGonagall now and put a stop to this rubbish!" "Grab her!"_

_Seamus and Dean grabbed Hermione and pulled her away from the crowd._

_"Let go of me!" she yelled as the boys restrained her. "I'll SCREAM!"_

_"Silencio!" One of the twins pointed his wand at her throat._

_"You can't tell anyone, Hermione." Said Fred._

_"The Houselves won't get hurt," George reassured her._

_Hermione rolled her eyes and tried to kick George._

_"You probably know some charms to keep them out of harms way." Fred pointed out._

_"Yeah," said Seamus "You know everything."_

_Hermione stomped her foot, she was not convinced._

_"You don't want Gryffindor to loose." Said Fred coming so close to Hermione that their noses were an inch apart._

_"You don't want RON to loose." George joined his twin next to Hermione. The hand of the arm Dean was holding made a rude gesture towards the twins._

_"What's all this?"_

_The boys swung around and were faced with Lavender Brown and Hannah Abbot._

_"Gang raping Hermione are we?" Lavender cocked an eyebrow._

_" 'Course not."_

_"They were just threatening her." Said Hannah "Poor Hermione…"_

_"Fin-Fin!" Lavender shrieked and leaped towards Seamus._

_"Arrrrggghhh!" He screamed and put Dean and Hermione between them. "Get away from me!"_

_"But FIN-Fin!" Lavender pouted "What about us?"_

_"There is no us you psycho!"_

_Lavender's bottom lip began to tremble._

_"Umm…." Hannah began to back away. "I have to go…meet someone! …A boy! Err…yes…a seventh year from Ravenclaw! You…err…wouldn't know him…bye!" she turned and ran back to the Hufflepuff section._

_The twins began to back away._

_"So yeah…"_

_"We've got to go."_

_"Plan a distraction."_

_"To give you lot time."_

_"To get the elves."_

_"Bye" they said in unison and ran away._

"We had to get back to the team and tell them everything was ready."

"Then you set to work on the distraction?" Pansy asked.

"We'd been looking for an opportunity to use our secret stash in the changing room for months."

"We'll get to that latter," Said Pansy. "Your witness."

Ernie stood up and shuffled some papers.

"Did you see Mr. Nott at anytime before you went back to the team?"

"No."

"No further questions, your honor."

"Mr. and Mr. Weasley you may go." The twins jumped off the chair and took seats in the audience. "Counsel call your next witness."

"We call Seamus Finnigan to the stand."

A Brown haired Irish boy appeared on the witness stand.

"Mr. Finnigan tell us about what happened after Mr. and Mr. Weasley departed."

"So the twins when off to plan the distraction, and we were left to deal with Hermione and with that cook Lavender watching us…"

_"Elves?" Lavender looked Puzzled._

_"Yes Elves…" said Dean, dismissivly._

_Seamus looked Hermione right in the eye. "Listen, Hermione, we know this goes all you believes and stuff…"_

_"Blah blah blah…" Lavender examined her nails._

_"Anyway, we promise the elves won't feel any physical pain and they'll be happy to do it, you'll see."_

_Hermione pondered._

_"Don't ruin the plot Hermione, " Neville pleaded._

_Hermione rolled her eyes and nodded._

_"Wicked." Said Dean, taking off the sleeping spell and they released Hermione._

_"You guys are sooooo dead when this is over." Hermione glared and stocked off towards the castle with the other four at her heels._

_"Hey!" squealed Lavender, running beside them as they crossed the grounds "Can I come?"_

_"Sure." Said Dean._

_Seamus punched him, but Dean only shrugged._

_"What? She's hot."_

_"But she's completely mental!"_

_They ran until they reached the painting to the kitchens, they were led by Seamus who tickled the pear that opened the secret door when it turned into a doorknob._

_"Mr. Finnigan, sir." Squealed one of the elves as soon as they entered "Will you be requiring anymore strawberries, sir?"_

_"Not this time…" said Seamus as Lavender threw him a questioning look "Actually I'll be requiring two of your most durable Houselves."_

_At once the sea of Houselves broke into cries of "Pick me!"_

_"Vegetable oil?" said a voice not far from the Gryffindors; "Don't you have anything else? I don't want to smell like carrots…"_

_"We have coconut?" suggested an elf. "It's very healthy and expensive?"_

_"Hmmm…"_

_"Justin?" Dean gasped and the boy spun around, a bottle of oil in his hand._

_"Umm…I can explain." Justin put the bottle behind his back._

_"Justin…" cooed Lavender, swaggering over to him. "I like coconuts…" she whispered. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…"_

_"Duh DuhDuh Duh." The Houselves chorused._

_"There they are all standing in a row…" he cocked an eyebrow._

_"Boom Boom Boom…" the Houselves chimed in._

_"Big ones…small ones…" Lavender used her best seducing voice._

_"Some as big as your head?" he asked, shocked._

_She nodded, biting her lip._

_"Let's go some place… more private?"_

"Wait!" Cried Ernie. "I object!"

"On what grounds?" Pansy stomped her foot and crossed her arms.

"Well this stupid and pointless and quite frankly it's disturbing."

"Forgive him, your honor," Pansy said, "he just recently found out where babies come from-"

"OBJECTION!"

"-But he dosen't really need to know about those things see how everyone's pretty sure-"

"Counsel, we are not discussing the defenses sexuality! Please continue questioning your witness!"

"Well anyway." Said Seamus. "Lavender ditched us and I grabbed two Houselves and ran back to the pitch. It took longer than we expected, seeing as Hermione wanted to stay and pass out leaflets."

"You can stop there, Mr. Finnigan." Pansy sighed and sat back into her chair "Your witness."

Ernie stood "Did you, Mr. Finnigan, see the accused at any point up onto your returned to the pitch?"

"I don't know."

"Yes or no?"

"Errrrr…."

Everyone was on the edge of his or her seat and leaning an ear towards Seamus.

"…No."

The audience began to talk amongst themselves.

"Where was he?"

"None of these people saw him?'

"Who cares about Houselves?"

"They could have seen him later."

"I don't see what this has to do with anything."

"I'm board…"

"I should go back to that Exchange Student story I was reading."

"I heard there's American Exchange Student coming next week?"

"Really? That's-"

"Order!" McGonagall banged he gavel.

"No further Questions." Ernie sat down, smirking. Pansy scowled.

'You may go." Said McGonagall.

Seamus jumped down and joined the audience of characters.

"Next witness."

"The prosecution calls…" Pansy smirked. "…Hermione Granger."

Hermione looked started and with a longing glance at her enchanted typewriter scurried up into the stand.

"So Miss Granger…" Pansy looked like a very smug pug. "Tells us about what happened when you arrived back at the pitch.

"Well I'd like to point out first that I in no way condone the mistreatment of Houselves, it's vile and low and cruel-"

"Did you not perform the charms on the vermin that would make them able to fulfil the duty of Bludgers."

"They made me do it!" Hermione was now in hysterics. "They threatened me! Pack your bags we're going on a guilt trip!"

"Calm down girl…" McGonagall waved her wand and a calming draught appeared before the witness who downed it like a shot of Vodka.

"That's better…" Hermione took a deep breath and leaned back in her chair, "Well we couldn't continue with the fixed Bludgers so we had no choice."

"But wasn't Gryffindor already winning?"

"Yes but…It was raining Crups and Kneazles out there! I mean Malfoy could catch the snitch and minute! I didn't want to do it…"

"I don't want to do this!" 

"_Come on Hermione, " Dean pleaded._

"_We could do it without the charms…"_

"_Fine!" Hermione yanked the first Houself over. "Dobby?"_

"_Harry Potter's Friend?"_

"_Dobby?" Hermione blanched "You want to be a Bludger?"_

"_Yes! Winky wants to be a Bludger too!"_

"_Winky is bad Houself – hic – she should be punished – hic –" Winky swayed back and forth and knocked her half empty Butterbeer bottle against her head._

"_No Winky!" Hermione took the bottle from the elf. "You really want to be a Bludger?"_

"_Yes she dose!" Dobby jumped up and down._

"_Come on it'll be fun, Winky!"_

"_Mmmmk…" Winky nodded and rocked back and forth. _

"So I did cushioning charms and shield charms and anything I could think of!" Hermione wrung her hands and added. "They were curled up into little balls and they…they were hurled into the game!" Hermione burst into tears and collapsed unto the stand.

"Pull yourself together, Granger!" shouted Pansy.

"The Defense has no questions, she might as well leave." Ernie shrugged and shuffled his papers.

Hermione jumped of the chair and returned, sobbing, to hear typewriter.

"Okay…the defense calls…" Pansy paused and stroked her chin "…How about Dean Thomas?"

Dean Thomas appeared on the stand.

"Okay, Mr. Thomas…Tell us what happened when you got a back to the pitch?"

"Well it was storming pretty hard, " began Dean. "But despite that Fred and George's fireworks were still mercilessly wreaking havoc upon the occupants of the stands, as you can probably recall. They continued to give everyone a hard time until we accioded the Bludgers and tossed in the Houselves" –Hermione gave a small sob- "and Fred and George made them disappear, then everyone started playing. It was kind of sad that no one noticed that the Bludgers were enchanted Houselves.

"That's enough…your witness…" Pansy waved a hand and sat down in her chair.

"Did you see Nott at anytime?" Ernie addressed Dean.

"Yes."

Everyone gasped.

"Where?"

"Once, I saw him in the crowd."

"Did he have a green horn?"

"I don't know?" Dean began to panic. "I don't remember! He was really far away! I didn't get a good look at him!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"No further questions."

Dean jumped down and ran back to a safe chair in the audience.

"For my final witness!" Pansy raised her voice dramatically. "I call Draco Malfoy!"

Draco stood up and headed for the witness stand, his damp robes sloshing as he went. As he chambered into the chair he made a rude gesture with his hand towards Nott. (AKA flipped him off)

"Mr. Malfoy…" drawled Pansy, approaching the witness stand. "Tell us about what occurred on that tragic day?"

"Well after the fireworks had been taken care of I continued my hunt for the snitch…"

_Draco Malfoy was racing across the pitch on his broom, looking for any sigh of the snitch, his prefect blond hair blowing in the wind, he brushed it out of his ice-cold eyes._

"_Damn," thought Malfoy. "I'm Gorgeous."_

_Just then out of nowhere! A Bludger (was it a real Bludger or an intoxicated houself?)_

"_Wheeeeeeeee!" the Bludger screamed. "Winky can fly!" _

"_What the-?"_

"_What the-?"_

"_WHAM!"_

"_Oof." Malfoy rubbed his arm._

"It was horrible!" Malfoys arm was now in a sling. "The same arm that that bloody chicken attacked in third year "Malfoy looked traumatized "And then I saw the snitch!"

The crowd gasped.

"Just a little ways before me!" He stood up. "Potter didn't see it yet, I think he was busy Flirting with Weasleyette!" The crowd looked scandalized, "I sped off towards it! Potter was on my tail! I reached out-" he stretched his arm forward. "I was so close! Mere inched separated me from the victory I had worked so long and hard to ensure! But then-" Malfoy sunk into his chair, defeated, "this unearthly noise broke my concentration and I looked to where it had come from. And there with the offending horn clutched in his hand was Nott!" Malfoy pointed dramatically at Nott.

The crowd erupted into chatter.

"Order!" Bellowed McGonagall, Banging her gavel.

"No further questions…" Pansy looked pleased. "Your Witness…"

"Mr. Malfoy…" Ernie approached the stand. "How many times would you say Mr. Potter has beaten you to the snitch?"

Malfoy looked offended. "Excuse-"

Pansy jumped up out of her chair "Objection! This has nothing to do with anything!"

"Overruled, neither dose coconuts," McGonagall rolled her eyes, "proceed Mr. Macmillan."

"Thanks you your honor, as I was saying Mr. Malfoy: How many times would you say Mr. Potter has beaten you to the snitch?"

"I don't know…one or two times sense second year?"

"So wouldn't it make more sense." Ernie turned to the jury, "That you simply were losing the race with potter, like your recorder shows?"

"Objection!"

"Sustained." Barked the Judge. "Jury disregard the that last statement.'

"I'll rephrase…All we have to go on is your word that Theodore Nott blew a horn which caused you to loose concentration and in turn loose the match, isn't it more likely that you made up this story to shift the blame from you to Nott?"

"Sustained! Mr. Macmillan those are outlandish claims!" McGonagall bellowed. "After all the evidence that Miss. Parkinson has presented we can surly out rule that Malfoy made up this story?"

"What evidence?" Ernie shouted, he rolled his eyes and spread is almost towards the jury. "All we have learned is that Mr. Thomas saw my client in a crowd and this guy's story which is not believable beyond a reasonable doubt. That's it!"

"Contain yourself Mr. Macmillan, "McGonagall turned to Pansy. "Anymore witnesses?"

"No, your honor."

"Mr. Malfoy, you can go."

Malfoy, who still looks very traumatized and broken, returns to his seat.

"Defense call your first witness!"

"The Defense calls…the chosen one!"

Harry Potter was suddenly in the witness stand.

"Mr. Potter, would you share with the court what happened after the fireworks disappeared."

"The rain was starting to clear up which was good, I continued my hunt for the snitch…"

_Gryffindor was winning. In other words beating Slytherin, Which was good because the Slytherins were PURE EVIL. It was also great because Malfoy was on the team. He was a git. Potter and Malfoy were mortal enemies. So beating Slytherins was an added bonus. _

_Just then, out of nowhere a Bludger came speeding towards Harry._

"_Dobby is most sorry Harry Potter!"_

_WHAM_

"_Dobby we talked about this!"_

_But the quote unquote Bludger was already speeding off towards Crabbe. _

_Harry spun around and scanned the pitch; he gasped, over by the Slytherin end Malfoy was speeding off towards a glint of gold._

"_Crap!"_

_Faster than a speeding bullet Harry shot of towards Malfoy, soon he and Malfoy were neck and neck reaching for the tiny golden snitch. Suddenly a horn blasted somewhere off to the left, but Harry did not care his focus could not be broken so easily, Malfoy spazzed and gave Harry the time he needed to capture the snitch. _

"So you, even though you were right beside Malfoy and you heard the exact same noise, you did not lose focus."

"Yes."

"Do you think Malfoy is a bad seeker?"

"Objection! The Defense is leading the witness."

"Sustained, you're walking a fine line Mr. Macmillan."

"I'll rephrase…. In your professional opinion should such a horn blast distract a well developed seeker?"

"No."

"No further questions." Said Ernie. "Your witness…"

"We have no questions your honor."

Ernie smiled. "Mr. Nott, please take the stand."

Nott slowly made his way towards the stand, when he was seated his lawyer began.

"Tell us what happened…"

"Well, I went to the Quidditich match to support Malfoy because he's awesome," Nott aimed a big fake smile towards Malfoy. Malfoy flipped him off. "Well...actually I was suppose to keep an eye on the Gryffindors…because they're always foiling our plans. I spied on their timeout…and I followed them to the kitchens…then I had to go back and keep an eye on the twin freaks…after that I had to go to the Slytherin section and report to Pansy and Blaise…tell them about what the Gryffindors did with the…"

"_HOUSELVES!?" Pansy shrieked "So that's what's wrong with our Bludgers! The bloody no-good goody two-shoe muggleblood loving freaks replaced them with enchanted Vermin!" Pansy let out a scream of frustration that caused a group of first years to squeal and move down a row. _

"_Yeah, that pretty much sums it up…" muttered Nott._

"_When I get my claws…" Pansy stormed off towards the Gryffindor section._

"_Pansy-" Blaise ran after her._

_Nott shrugged and took Pansy and Blaise's place on the stands and watched Potter get hit with a Bludger, the site lifted his spirits somewhat and he grinned. The he looked to the left and saw Malfoy closing in on the Snitch. Good, he thought, we might actually win. If they won all his efforts would be worth while…_

"So yeah, Malfoy screwed up and Potter caught the Snitch." Nott shrugged.

"So there was no horn?"

"No I was just minding my own business."

"No Further Questions, your honor," Ernie looked a Pansy. "Your witness Ms. Parkinson."

"No horn, eh?" said Pansy with an evil smirk.

"Yeah, like I said."

"Then what's this?" Pansy reached behind the witness stand and between the folds of Nott's wrinkled robes and yanked out a green horn.

The Courtroom gasped.

"That's not mine!" Not yelled. "I've never seen it before in my life!"

"Objection!" Yelled Ernie. "That evidence could have been planted!" he whipped out a bouquet from his sleeve. "Always have something up your sleeve! It's basic first year wizarding!"

"Mr. Macmillan please-" McGonagall began.

But Ernie didn't listen, "Furthermore, this would violate the no magic rule of this courtroom! That horn cannot be held admissible!"

"Mr. Macmillan!"

"What?"

"Just drop it!"

"But it-"

"Pish Posh, Miss Parkinson please continue…"

"Come on!" Ernie yelled.

"Bailiff please remove Mr. Macmillan from the courtroom."

Blaise marched Nott's lawyer out of the courtroom.

"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" Ernie yelled, and then he was gone.

Pansy leaned over the stand "Now I have you right where I want you." She said in a deadly whisper.

"I've waited so long to hear you say that." Responded Nott; cocking an eyebrow.

"Did you do it?"

"Wanna makeout?"

Pansy groaned and receded from the witness stand "Your honor, we have the horn, let's let the jury decide!"

The jury huddled together.

"Okay…rock, paper, scissors." One of them said and two of the Ravenclaws began to battle it out.

"Come on! Best two out of three!"

"So you come here often?" Nott hoped off the stand and stood beside the prosecutor.

"Save it Nott…"

"You know they may have to haul me off to the Azkaban…promise me you'll visit?"

"…"

"You know if you come, I bet I could snag some handcuffs off the guards and you and I could have a little…interrogation session…"

"I'll send Crabbe and Goyle."

"Hello Clarice…"

Pansy rolled her eyes.

"It's a hard Nott life in the joint…"

"Nott…"

"It's a hard Nott life for usss! It's a hard Nott life for usss!"

"Will you shut-"

"Instead of kissin'-"

"Order! Jury have you reached a Verdict?" McGonagall banged her gavel.

"We have your honor, by way of paper beats rock-"

"It's always paper!"

"-we find the defendant Theodore Nott of Slytherin.."

(Wait for it.)

"Guilty on all charges!"

"Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" The crowd chanted.

"No! Yelled Nott as they began to drag him away. "I'm innocent you can't do this! I'm innocent I tell you! Innocent!"

"Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" the crowd swarmed around him pulling him down/

"Pansy!" Yelled Nott.

"Nott!" She yelled back, fighting off the zombie-like crowd as she was dragged in the opposite direction.

"Pansy!"

"Nott!"

* * *

"Pansy!" 

"Nott!"

"Pansy!"

"NOTT!"

"What?" Nott felt a pointed toe come in contact with his shin. "Ow!"

"Wake up!"

"I'm up!"

Nott opened his eyes and saw Pansy standing over him.

"Oh no! Please don't send me to the gallows, I'll change-I'll-wait Pansy?" Nott shook his head. "Wait-what…"

"Why were you saying my name?"

"What?"

"In your sleep!" Pansy folded her arms. "Why?"

"Well that's what happens when your defense falls through…" Nott shook himself. "So, hey, anyway, I see you've changed your mind and come to join me in the closet for a night of well mannered frivolity…"

"Not in a million years, Nott. Now get up, the Slytherins have a bone to pick with you."

"You mean the horn thing?'

"Yes."

"Fine…let's get it over with."

Nott trudged out of the dorm and down to the common room followed by Pansy. He was relieved to see that it was not a courtroom. Instead, he was greeted by the sight of a crowd of about 80 of the Slytherin population mulling around the common room, in the corner, much to his delight, was Malfoy, Chinese finger trapped to a pole.

Blaise stepped forward. "We have decided to not let Malfoy kill you, because that would result in a lot of paper work and blood. As punishment you will lead the first years on the tour of the haunted house next week."

Nott groaned, now he was stuck babysitting the first years. Great.

"Ahhhhhh!" Malfoy had chewed his way out of the finger trap and was headed right for Nott.

"Stop!" Pansy stepped between Nott and her boyfriend. "You can't kill him!"

"Why not? He deserves no less!"

"Blood stains!"

"Bull shit! You could clean it easily!" growled Draco. "You're a witch for Merlin's sake."

"Just go to bed!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No one tells a Malfoy what to do, woman!"

"Do you want your mother to find out what's in Draco's pirate treasure chest?' whispered Pansy, her eyes blazing.

"Goodnight, Darling." Draco quipped and rushed to the boys' dormitory.

When Pansy turned around the first thing she saw was Nott's smirk.

"It's because you love me isn't it?"

"Go Fuck the Giant Squid."

FIN

A/N: The green horn is actually based on a prop in the costume room of our old junior high. Long live the room the banana Cabana the Kinkiest room in all MGJHS!


	14. Betting On Fate

**Rule #13: Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tack, not a clever money-making concept.**

Hannah ran her hands along a smooth, oak box. Her fingers reached the latch and flicked it open quietly. She gazed around at her sleeping friends making sure that none had woken from their slumber. Being reassured that they were all still exploring their dreams, she turned her attention back to the task at hand. She slowly lifted the lid of the box and stared at the sectioned off velvet paneling.

"Perfect." Was the whispered word that escaped her lips. Without making a sound she shut it and slid it under her four posted bed. Hannah crawled under the yellow duvet and clutched her stuffed hinky punk.

"Tomorrow…it begins." She muttered to herself before the darkness claimed her.

"Extra, extra, hear all about it!" The bell had just rung notifying the students that their last class of the day was over. They were hurrying through the corridors trying to get back to their common rooms for some social, homework or plotting time (in the Slytherins case) with their friends before it was time to go to dinner.

Hannah was standing at the top of the stairs in the entrance hall with the box she had last night, open and levitating at her side. She was yelling out an explanation for her disturbing the peace…

"For the first time ever, a teacher has survived teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts and has returned for a second year! That's right everyone, as most of you already know, Professor Remus Lupin has returned! He had the post in four years ago but resigned, afraid that some of our parents wouldn't want a werewolf teaching classes, but he's back! So here proves the greatest test of all, will he survive another year? Place your bets on the fate of Professor Lupin!" Hannah yelled at the passers by. Soon enough, a small group of people were standing around her, yelling out their bets.

"15 knuts on being eaten by the giant squid!" A third year Ravenclaw said as they dropped their money into the box.

"Thank you." Hannah said.

"8 galleons that Snape will kill him!" Colin Creevy called out.

"Perhaps…" Hannah said maliciously.

"12 sickles and 4 knuts on him getting the life sucked out of him by a dementor!" Parvati said giggling.

"Possibly…"

"100 galleons that I survive!" The crowd turned around to see Professor Lupin standing there with a smug look on his face. The students parted and let him through. After tossing his money in, he bent down and whispered in Hannah's ear…

"I don't know what you're playing at Hannah but I must say that it's a very clever way of making some money."

"Thank you Sir!" Hannah said as he patted her on the shoulder before turning away. More bets were placed then the crowd started to die away. Hannah was sorting her money hen Ernie came along.

"Hey Hannah, nice job, but I was almost positive that Fred and George would take on this rule." Ernie said as he helped her sort her money.

"Well, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do." She replied callously. Ernie reached into his pocket, took out her jar, enlarged it and tossed a chocolate frog inside.

"Good job Hannah." Ernie said as he began to walk away, but he barely got three feet when he turned back to her.

"By the way, would you mind putting me down for 5 knuts and 4 galleons on Fenrir Greyback finishing him off?"

"Any time Ernie, anytime…"

A/N: We are hopefully moving at a good speed for you guys. We are really pushing to have chapter 15 posted on Halloween, it being a special chapter we decided to write just for the occasion. Sorry for all the updates at once but it had to be done.


	15. Me? In love with Potter?

**Rule #14: I will not start every Potions class by asking professor Snape if today' project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.**

Professor Snape (is he good? Is he evil? Doesn't matter) strolled into the Dungeon classroom and the door clanged shut behind him causing all the students to fall into silence.

The Potions Master made his way to the front of the class and stood behind the giant bubbling cauldron at the front. "Turn to page 169 of your textbooks and complete the potion know as-"

"Excuse me, Sir!"

Snape glared at the Ravenclaw in front of him, "Yes?"

"Well, I was wondering…" Luna cleared her throat. "If research that this-" she glance down at her book, "-Anticoccus Serum can be used as an effective sexual lubricant."

Silence.

"Are you implying, Miss. Lovegood," said Snape, looking very annoyed. "That the cure for Strep throat has an alternative and rather vulgar use?"

"Well, I thought that you'd know about it…" The voices in her head argued whether or not to end this with a "…Because you're a potions master." Or "Because you're a Slytherin Sex God in fanfiction." But before they could decide-

"What are you implying?" thundered Snape.

By now the class was in hysterics.

"I was just asking a question…"

"Well maybe you can research that on your own time."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"SILENCE!" Snape bellowed and everyone including Luna shut it. "Just make the bloody potion and not a WORD!"

I'm Saint Potter! I'm soooooo great! I heeeeelp people, I save the world, look at meeeeee!"

Crabbe and Goyle laughed, as always.

"Malfoy, you're a good snogger and everything," Said Pansy examining her nails outside Potions. "But your Harry Potter Impressions are getting a little old."

"Yeah," said Blaise. "You're like, obsessed with him, or something."

"What?" yelled Draco, dramatically. "Me? In love with Potter? That's Ridiculous!"

'Wait!" shrieked Pansy. "Wait one moment mister! Who said anything about LOVE?"

"Love?" said Draco, examining his nails. "Who said anything about Love? Hmmm not me-"

The door to Potions class burst open and the class came streaming out shaking with laughter.

"Wonder what all the fuss is about," asked Blaise.

"Not much," said Luna, extracting herself from the crowd "I caused a bit of a disturbance…"

"Why is she talking to us?" whispered Pansy to her boyfriend.

"Maybe if we stand really still she'll go away…"

"…I asked him if this-" she waved a vial of light Blue liquid, "-is suitable for a sexual lubricant."

The Slytherins were gobsmaked.

"He said I should conduct a bit of research..." She smirked and left, humming to herself.

"That was so random." Said Draco.

"Ewww," Pansy shuddered. "The images!"

"What a tease…" Blaise shrugged and the five of them entered Potions.

"Pansy!"

Pansy whirled around at the sound of her first name; coming out of one of the bathroom stalls was Luna Lovegood.

"What do you want!?" she slowly placed her eyeliner back into her pocket and placed her hand instead on her wand. You never knew if someone like loony might suddenly snap.

"Could you do me a favor?"

Okay… this was weird. People like Luna knew perfectly well that people like Pansy didn't associate with, much less do favors for, each other. "What?"

"You see I need to get something to Theodore…"

"Who would be….?"

"Theodore Nott."

"Oh! Nott..." Something in her head clicked…the potion…now Luna had her attention. She sighed and walked over to Luna, "Why didn't you say so? Nott and I see each other all the time!"

"Great!"

"So what did you have in mind…"

"Nott!" yelled Pansy the next day at breakfast as she made her way towards him.

"What?"

"I have something for you…"

"All he ask is for your love…" snickered Blaise.

"…It's from your secret admirer…"

"Who's that?" Nott asked.

"I can't say…"

"It's a girl, right?"

Pansy thought for a moment… "Yes…I suppose I can divulge that much…"

"Score."

Pansy handed him a small box. "Here." And she left, suppressing a smile.

"So who do you think it is?" asked Blaise.

"Please," Nott smirked. "It's so obvious it's Pansy…"

"Really?"

"You see the way she looks at me." Nott bit into his toast. "She want's me."

Blaise snorted into his porridge.

"Laugh if you will, Mr. Zabini!" Nott began to unwrap the package. "But her heart will be mine!"

"She did go out of her way to save your pathetic life…I will give you that…"

"Exactly." Nott reached into the box the paper had covered and extracted a small bottle of liquid. "What's this?"

'Don't know…" Blaise took the bottle from Nott and examined it. "…It doesn't say what it is…"

Nott rooted through the paper, "and no note."

"Hey!" Blaise explained. "I bet Snape will know what it is!"

"Right! He's a potion master and a sex god!"

"He's my hero."

So with bottle in hand Nott rushed down to the dungeons to find Snape who was busy organizing one of his store cupboards.

"Sir! I need your help!"

"Doesn't everybody?"

"You see… I have this potion and I don't know what it is and I was wondering if…you might be able to tell me."

"What could it hurt." Snape took the bottle from Nott. "Let's see…based on color and texture…" he waved his wand over the bottle a few times. "This would be…Anticoccus serum."

"Which is…?"

"It's a throat potion used to fight of bacteria." Snape handed the bottle back to Nott.

"Okay…"

Nott was puzzled why would Pansy give him a throat infection potion? Maybe she wanted to make sure he wasn't contagious when they…

"She want's to snog me!" Nott yelled and proceeded to do a victory dance. "Oh yeah! I'm the man! All the ladies want a piece of Nott!"

"Excuse me?"

"You see she gave me this potion so she want's to snog me!"

"What? That doesn't make any sense?"

"I know girls are weird."

"Please leave."

"Yes, sir."

Later on that day at dinner…

Nott glared at the pink owl.

"What do you want?"

The owl hooted and stuck out its leg to which a tiny pale pink scroll was attached.

"I can be seen accepting post from a pink owl, it'll ruin my reputation!

"So conversing with one will help it?"

Blaise sat down beside him and began to load up his plate with mashed potatoes.

"Fine!" Nott grumbled and snatched the scroll off the owl's leg and it flew off.

"What's it say?"

_My Dearest Theodore,_

_I have watched you for sometime now and longed for us to be together, and soon that time will come. I wish to reveal myself to you, meet me in Snape's quarters at 11:50 on Tuesday night._

_Love your secret admirer. _

"That's the night of the Masquerade ball." Blaise pointed out. "I wonder why Pansy's doing this…"

"Isn't it obvious? We have to keep our affair secret from Malfoy."

"Oh yeah."

"Damn him!" Nott slammed his fist on the table. "If he wasn't around, there would be no one standing in our way!"

Nott held the quill poised above the parchment, how to begin…

Dear Grandpa Nott, 

That's good…now he had to make it nice and Formal, Xavior Nott was a very respectable man.

_I am writing to inform you that I have finally found a suitable…_

No scratch that 

…_a worthy suitor._

Yes, that works.

_She is the daughter of the respectable Genevieve and Clayton Parkinson. She is of fine lineage and pureblood status. _

Hmm…How to describe Pansy?

_She looks just like your Anita, beautiful and dark as nightfall in spring, as fair as the moon itself. Saucy and smart, but not too smart, you know how we like them. _

Yes, that would make him laugh.

_I was wondering if you could set it up for me, you know I'll be leaving school soon and It's time I started thinking about settling down, now that I've found "the one"._

_Your favorite Grandson, _

_Theodore_


	16. Masquerade, Paper Faces On Parade

**Rule #15: 'Liften Separatis Crotchum' is not a real spell.**

_I am the one hiding under your bed  
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red_

I am the one hiding under yours stairs  
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair

This is Halloween, this is Halloween

It was a cloudy Saturday afternoon when Seamus and Dean were walking around the grounds of Hogwarts. The wind was howling and blowing leaves of red, orange and yellow off of the trees to join the ones that were making crunching noises under their feet. Few students were outside because of the cold weather of winter approaching. Those who decided that, despite the weather, they had stuff to do outside rather than in, had their school scarves wrapped tightly around their necks and the cloaks pulled close to them.

Dean was just about to pop another Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean into his mouth when…WHACK!

"Ouch!" Dean exclaimed as he dropped his bean to the ground. His eyes flicked over to Seamus to see him waving his wand like a madman. "What was that for?"

"Oh…what? Sorry Dean," Seamus said sympathetically. "I was just trying to get a spell right." He began to walk away but Dean held him back.

"A spell right? Your wand almost impaled my eye!" Dean exclaimed.

"Well it's harder than it looks…" Seamus muttered.

"What spell is it?" Dean asked as he regained their slow pace and began to head over by the lake.

"Liften Separatis Crotchum." Seamus replied proudly.

"Liften Sepawhatta?" Dean questioned as his face contorted into a look of confusion.

"Liften Separatis Crotchum." Seamus corrected.

"What does it do?"

"I don't exactly know." Seamus said truthfully as he tried the spell again.

"What class did you learn it in?" Dean asked after eating a peppermint flavored bean.

"That's the thing; I didn't exactly learn it in class…"

"Then how do you know if it is actually a real spell?"

"I don't."

"Well it obviously isn't. You've been attempting to cast it since we got out onto the grounds and it hasn't worked yet." Dean stated.

"Have a little faith mate!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Dean muttered. They were halfway around the lake when an idea came to Seamus.

"Hey, what if it is a spell that has to put upon someone?" Seamus gasped.

"Um…mate? Most spells have to be put upon someone or something for them to work." Dean noted.

"True…" Seamus said as he looked around evilly. "Who shall be our victim then?" The two boys looked around them. Luna was sitting not far from them, under a tree twirling leaves through her fingers.

"Luna?" Dean suggested.

"Nah, she's never done me any harm." Seamus waved her off. To their right, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were sitting on a pile of rocks talking quietly.

"How about them?" Dean said as he gestured to the golden trio and their red-haired friend.

"No, I wouldn't want to hurt them." Justin, Susan, Ernie and Hannah were having a leaf fight just a few feet away.

"One of the Hufflepuffs?"

"No. Ernie is a pretty cool bloke, I don't really know Justin or Susan so if the spell does work and turns out nasty, I don't know what they're capable of…"

"What about Hannah then? I know for a fact that she's not that good of a witch." Dean pointed out.

"I can't Dean, I wouldn't want to hurt a pretty girl like her…"

"Hold on a minute Seamus…do you have a thing for Hannah?" Dean asked as he bulged his eyes.

"What? No!" Seamus exclaimed. "I just don't want to use her as a target that's all. I need to find someone who deserves what's coming to them."

"Malfoy?" Dean said as he pointed to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Seamus followed his finger and saw Draco, talking with Pansy, Blaise and Nott. Surprisingly, Crabbe and Goyle were no where to be seen.

"No, but I've just thought of someone even better…" Seamus grinned as he led Dean over to the group of Slytherins. After getting within shooting range, Seamus pulled his friend behind a tree and took aim. Slowly, he raised his wand. He waited until Nott turned his way…

"Liften Separatis Crotchum!" Seamus yelled as a beam of blue light shot out of the tip of his wand. A deep blue smoke surrounded him and Dean and when it lifted, a disappointed look could be seen on Seamus' face. He was looking down at their bodies, glaring at the huge white bowl of soup that they were standing in.

"I said Liften, not Lipton!" Seamus yelled as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Oh well mate, keep trying." Dean said as he popped another bean into his mouth, only to spit it out into the soup a second later. "Eugh! Vomit!"

"So I've decided to move the haunted house from the Astronomy tower down to the Dungeons. I'm pretty sure a tour of Snape's private quarters should scare those little brats." Nott said as he kicked his feet up onto the coffee table in the middle of the Slytherin common room.

"But wouldn't the Astronomy tower be safer in your case? I mean, you're scared of the dungeons." Blaise stated bluntly from his place in the chair across from the couch Nott was lounging on.

"I know, and if it were any other night I would agree with you. But tonight…tonight I'm meeting Pansy." Nott replied.

"Pansy? Why would she want to meet you?"

"Come on mate, you know Pansy has always been secretly in love with me." Blaise just snickered. "Yeah, yeah, you laugh now, but just wait until tonight. That letter I got from my 'secret admirer' said to meet her in Snape's chambers tonight at eleven thirty."

"Secret admirer…how do you know it's Pansy?" Blaise asked out of curiosity.

"It's obvious mate. And tonight, she'll be mine forever…"

The Great Hall was adorned in Halloween spirit. Jack-o-lanterns and candles floated eerily above the many masked faces on the floor that now had a thin fog rolling over it. Giant pumpkins were hollowed out and cut in half; they lined the edges of the hall where some students lounged in them. Paper chains of black and orange hung from the ceiling that was projecting a clear sky with no stars and a full moon that was as orange as the pumpkins. Not too far from the door, was a pirate who had his arm slung around the shoulders of a Greek goddess. Sitting across from them was a scraggly scarecrow who appeared to be talking animatedly to the pirate while the damsel next to him was pouting.

"I told you Harry, there is no way that Snape would wear a costume tonight." The scarecrow as he pointed a gloved finger at the pirate.

"But Ron, I saw him earlier! He was talking with Professor Vector about the corn maze and he was wearing a costume!" Harry protested as he threw his arms up in the air, trying to get a point across to his best friend.

"But Harry, I saw Snape earlier too and he wasn't wearing a costume." The goddess stated.

"Ginny, he is dressed as a Death Eater!" At this, everyone burst out into laughter. It was true, that Snape wasn't wearing his costume but just his normal black robes. Although this was Halloween, and he had no excuse tonight. The Damsel, however, did not laugh but grimaced at the thought.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Ginny asked as she looked over at the damsel who was adjusting her hat.

"Oh nothing…" Hermione said as she looked skyward. "I just thought since this is a ball, my date would actually ask me to, oh, I don't know, DANCE!" She screamed the last words. She turned her head to look at Ron through the eye holes in her mask but it appeared as though he hadn't even heard her. He was now in a heated conversation about Snape's nose with Harry. Hermione groaned then stood up. "Come on Ginny, let's go get some punch." She said as she brushed off her deep red skirts. Ginny got up and followed her over to the refreshment table at the front of the Hall. Ron, noticed the girl's get up and yelled after them.

"Hey, Hermione, Ginny, where are you going?"

"They're going to get some punch Ron." Harry replied as he let his eyes wander around the hall. Almost instantly, they fell on a shiny orange robe covered in black cats and purple stars. He let his eyes wander up the body to notice that it was Dumbledore. "Ron, why is Dumbledore talking to all those first years?"

"I don't know. But earlier Hermione mentioned something about a haunted house. Maybe that's it." Just then, a figure dressed in all black entered the hall and stopped to talk to Dumbledore. They had a thin black mask on and a hat with a rounded brim tipped forward, casting a shadow over their face. Harry watched the figure with curiosity.

"Are you sure you want to go down in the dungeons kids?" The figure said as he swiftly rolled up his sleeve revealing the Dark Mark. Just as quick, he rolled it back down and strutted away. Dumbledore then turned around and gave the figure a fast thumbs up.

"Hey, that's not Dumbledore, that's Nott!" Ron exclaimed as he too has turned around to watch the brief exchange at the door. Nott turned back around and lead the first years out of the hall. Ron continued to watch the door but Harry's eyes never left the masked figure. He noticed that he was staring at something…or someone. Harry glanced across the room to find Hermione and Ginny standing with Parvati and Lavender. Taking this as a sign that his damsel was in distress, or if not now, was soon going to be, without explanation he grabbed Ron's arm and drug him over to the girl's. "Watch it Harry, you're pulling my straw out!" Ron complained just before they reached Hermione.

"Hermione, can we talk to you for a second?" Harry said as he let go of Ron.

"Sure, what is it?" Hermione asked as she turned away from Ginny and the others.

"Well, we-" Harry began but Ron interrupted.

"We? Harry, you never even told me why I was dragged over here in the first place!" Ron interjected.

"Ok then," Harry continued in a whisper, "I have reason to believe that you are being watched and possibly fawned over by a Death Eater."

"A Death Eater?" Hermione repeated. Harry shook his head. "That's ludicrous Harry. Who on earth do we know that is a Death Eater?"

"All of Slytherin house!" Ron piped up.

"Fine then. But who do we know that is a Death Eater and would bother with me."

"I don't know, but the bloke dressed as Zorro over there who showed his Dark Mark to some first years at the door is a pretty good guess." Harry said sarcastically as he pointed to the figure a few meters away, who still hadn't released Hermione from his gaze. Hermione followed Harry's finger and stared at the guy for a few seconds.

"I don't know Harry. I doubt that he's a Death Eater." Hermione replied. "But he is really cute!"

"Hermione, for all we know that could be Malfoy!" Harry said trying to reason with her.

"Malfoy? Why would he be interested in me? It's obviously someone else. Now, unless you have anything else to say, I would like to rejoin the conversation I was having with my friends." Hermione said as she put her hand on her hips.

"But Hermione-" Ron started.

"No buts about it." Hermione said her final words as she turned back to the group of girls. Harry drug Ron a little ways away from the girl's before speaking.

"Look Ron, obviously she doesn't believe us."

"I'm not even sure if I believe you." Ron responded.

"But Ron, you saw his mark too!"

"I know. I meant I don't believe that he was looking at Hermione. He could've been staring at any of those girls."

"I doubt it. He seems fixated with Hermione for some reason. We have to make sure that he doesn't get near her.

"And how are we going to do that?" Ron questioned suspiciously.

"We're not going to let her out of our sight."

"Come on Ernie…Don't be such a scardy-pratt!"

Hannah grabbed Ernie's hand and dragged him into the corn maze.

"I'm not scared!" Ernie dug in his heels and brought them to a stop. "I'm just cautious! We could die in here and no one would know!"

She released his hand so she could place hers on her hips. Hannah was dressed as a fairy for the ball, she seemed to be entirely constructed of gold glitter and sequins from her wings to her eye shadow and thanks to heating charms she was able to where a dress worthy of Tinker-bell. "Don't be silly! Snape has been appointed to make sure everyone's safe!"

"Oh, yes that made me feel soooo much better."

The Fairy rolled her eyes. "I knew there was a reason you went as Ichabod Crane." She reached out and tugged his ascot. "You're both cowards!"

"Hey!"

"Now, come on already!" she regained her grasp of his hand and pulled him deeper into the maze.

Hermione could feel cold, icy eyes boring into her. Her paranoia was on an all time high, knowing that she was being watched, and possibly followed. She first had this creepy feeling when she turned back to her conversation with her girlfriends after shooing Harry and Ron away; but ever since then, it was following her. No matter where she went, she knew that _he_ was trailing her. She may have been dressed like a damsel for the ball, but now, she was definitely in distress. Every glance she took around her, Zorro was not too far away. If only she could he his face… but no, his mask and hat made sure that his identity remained unknown.

"Light your wand Ernie, it's getting dark!"

"Lumos!"

'That's better…"

"Left…right…right…it's impossible to remember!" Ernie and Hannah rounded another corner and collapsed against a stiff row of enchanted corn. "We should send up sparks and get rescued."

"No!" gasped Hannah, straitening her tiara. "I'm not giving up!"

There was a sound of someone pushing through the corn.

"Who's there?"

"I don't like this…" Hannah straitened up.

"It's someone who's going to save us!" Ernie leaped up and ran down the path.

"Ernie wait!"

Hannah dashed after him, but he was faster and soon she could no longer hear him. Instead his comforting footsteps were replaced by a haunting rustling.

"Who's there!"

Who ever it was wasn't in the mood for conversation.

"Come out!"

The rustling was getting louder, which didn't reassure the Hufflepuff, so she ran. With renewed energy she dove off the path into the corn and pushed through the tough stalks until she broke out onto another path.

He was still behind, she ran.

He didn't even need to run, he just needed to walk and it was like he was always breathing in her ear.

She felt something cold touch her arm.

Her screams echoed throughout the grounds.

Ever since their encounter with Hermione, Harry and Ron had been silently watching their best friend, noticing that there was no doubt, that she was being followed, not only by them, but by the Death Eater. He was never far behind her but he made it clear that he didn't want to be seen. Every time she turned around, he would turn away and pretend to talk to someone.

"How long do you think it will be before she notices?" Ron asked with a bored air in his voice.

"I don't know." Harry admitted. "You know Hermione. When she hears something she doesn't want to, she completely ignores it!"

"Hey Harry, this might be our chance!" Ron exclaimed as he pointed to Zorro leaving the Great Hall. "Come on, let's follow him!" Ron and Harry got up and stealthily followed Zorro outside without being noticed.

The grounds of Hogwarts were scattered with students in various costumes commuting to and from the corn maze. Harry and Ron followed Zorro the Death Eater; whatever he was up to, they would find out.

"I bet Voldemort sent him." Said Ron.

"Yeah, maybe there's more of them!" Harry exclaimed, worried.

"Look he's headed for the maze!"

"Is that him there?"

"No, he was wearing a hat…"

"That bloke?"

"Maybe?"

"That bloke?"

"I think we lost him, Harry."

"No!"

They slowed their pace when they found him again and realized that he was going towards Professor Snape. Wanting to get closer, Harry pulled Ron over to the ticket booth where Kingsley Shacklebot was dressed in black, and despite the darkness, was donning a pair of big, black sunglasses.

"Hey Kingsley. What're you doing here?" Ron asked him.

"Who is this Kingsley you speak of? Now, Harry, would you like to take the blue pill or the red pill? If you take the blue pill, you will wake up in the morning, remembering nothing. If you take the red pill, you will tumble down the rabbit hole, or in this case wander into the maze, and find adventure beyond your wildest dreams. What say you?" Kingsley replied as he put his hands in the pockets of his trench coat.

"Umm, I don't think I'll be having either tonight Kingsley. Ron and I just came out here to find…they're gone!" Harry exclaimed as he turned to look where Snape and Zorro were standing just moments ago.

"Who's gone?" Kingsley asked.

"Where did they go?" Ron questioned frantically.

"I don't know!"

"Where did who go?" Kingsley asked.

"Snape and Zorro!" They yelled together.

"Snape and Zorro?"

"Never mind…" Ron murmured.

Just then Ernie ran up to them.

"Have you seen Hannah?"

"No, why?"

"I lost her in the maze…we got separated…and I think I heard her scream."

"That's not good!"

"Maybe it was Snape? He was dressed as a Death Eater."

Ron jumped up and down, sending bits of straw fluttering to the ground. "He'll pick us off one by one! First Hannah-" He turned to Harry, "-He'll save you for last…he really hates you."

"Thanks Ron." Said Harry

"AAAHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The three boys spun around to see a figure sprinting out of the maze. It was Hannah screaming at the top of her lungs. Her dress was torn and she was covered in a chunky reddish substance.

"Hannah!" yelled Ernie running towards her.

Hannah didn't seem to hear him to hear him, she ran by the boys and strait into the castle.

"That wasn't normal…" Said Harry.

"Why do I have the feeling this is going to be a very strange night…"

"Beware…beyond this door lie horrors more sinister than your worst nightmares…"

Nott spread his arms before Snape's door; his voluminous orange sleeves casting eerie shadows in the torchlight. The first years cowered.

"They didn't do this last year…. last year they went to the astronomy tower…" a girl dressed as a princess said.

"Well this year it's down in Snape's private chambers…so deal with it." Nott waved his wand in an intricate pattern and the door swung open. The first years gasped as Nott herded them in.

"To your left you can see Snape's bed where he would sleep…if he didn't roam the halls every night looking for students out of bed to eat!"

The first years gasped.

"Some say he's a bat! A vampire looking for young blood to suck!"

"I told you!" a blonde girl jabbed a boy in the ribs. "That bat we saw last week! It was him!"

"But hey! I thought Vampires couldn't stand the sun! It burns their flesh right off. And that's never happened to Professor Snape!" Said another boy smugly.

"You must be muggle born…" Nott sighed. "That's not true, it's something they invented for movies to make them easier to defeat. Now over there you can see floating his collection of rare and gruesome potion ingredients…" he indicated am array of jars filled with slimly objects.

"I think I'm going to puke…"

"Now something so terrifying it was thought never to exist!" Said Nott.

"No!"

"Spare us!"

"Snape's sock drawer!" Nott opened the bottom drawer of a large black wardrobe for the first years to see. A few screamed.

"It's too much!"

"I want my Mummy!" cried the princess, and she ran out screaming.

"Don't you want to see more of his delicates?"

The first years screamed and ran out.

"Gets them every time….Now to wait for my date..." Nott sunk onto Snape's bed, until the next group was delivered.

Hannah didn't stop running until she reached the Great Hall. She searched frantically around for Snape. Yes, he was the one who sent her into the maze; he would know what to do. She stood in the entrance for a few minutes looking through the crowd until she spotted him. He was standing over by the punch table talking to someone dressed as a mermaid. She ran over to him, flailing her arms around like a mad woman.

"Professor! Professor! He's got me!" Hannah screamed as she reached Snape, who had stopped talking to the mermaid to see what all of the commotion was about.

"What?" Snape said as he knit his eyebrows together. Hannah didn't reply but broke out into tears. She cried for a few moments before collapsing on the shoulder of her unruly potion's master.

"Eugh! What is the meaning of this?" Snape exclaimed as he tried to shake Hannah off. Before she could answer, three figures came running up screaming.

"Hannah!" Harry yelled as he skidded to a stop.

"Hannah, why are you on Snape? Ron questioned puzzled.

"Hannah, are you alright?" Ernie asked as he wrapped his arm around the shoulders of the weeping fairy. She slowly looked up at the three boys before her.

"He's got me!" She cried dramatically before breaking out into tears again.

"Who's got you Hannah?" Harry asked.

"Him! The one dressed in black! The one with the mask!"

"It's a masquerade, does she really think that 'the one in the mask' is a good explanation?" Ron whispered to Harry.

"Ernie and I got separated in the corn maze. I got scared. I began running trying to find a way out but…but then…" Hannah continued.

"Take your time Hannah; it's going to be alright." Ernie comforted.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" Snape hollered gaining the attention of many of the surrounding students. "Just spit it out Abbot!"

"The Phantom!"

"Yuck! What is that stuff on your head?" Ron asked just noticing the protruding red gunk sitting atop of Hannah's tiara. The mermaid, who had been quiet all this time, stuck out a finger to touch the slop. She brought a small amount to her mouth and licked it.

"Mmm, it's pumpkin." She said as everyone gasped. "Suspicious, very suspicious…"

He silently walked along the rafters of the second floor corridor looking down on his prey. He was careful not to fall, placing gracefully one foot in front of the other. His long black cloak billowed along behind him. His mask clinging tightly to his face. A gloved hand held a bag containing his weapon. Making sure not to drop it, he stared down at the corridor below; his eyes following a petite red haired girl dressed in a flowing blue dress. She was walking with a boy in a toga. They stopped outside of the girl's bathroom to talk. He stood his ground before reaching into the bag and bringing out a handful of fresh pumpkin insides that were a deep blood red. He gave a small snicker before kneeling down on the rafters.

"I'm sorry mate, it's time."

"Step right up! Try your luck at bobbing for apples!" Called a brown horse from the corner of the great all.

"I can't believe McGonagall's making us do this!"

"We did spike her coffee with catnip…"

"That was entertaining."

"Yeah, she gave Dumbledore "The look"."

Fred and George were missing all the fun at the ball; instead they had been left the grueling task of trying to tempt people to stick their heads in a tub of water to fish for fruit. Dear God.

And they had spent all night working on their horse costume.

"Why do I have to be the back end?" asked Fred.

"You lost the coin toss remember?" responded George.

"I'm bored…"

"Should we release the Canibus Pomum?"

"Yes, let's"

The horse waved it's wand over the floating apples and they sprang to life.

"Yes that's definitely an improvement."

The apples saw professor Flitwick and attacked him. He screamed.

"Life's better this way."

Nott shooed the last of the first years out of Snape's bedroom and collapsed against the four poster bed, scaring kids was hard work. It was almost ten to midnight, the time when Pansy would come and confess her love for him, and in Snape's chambers? It was so dangerous…so forbidden, he liked the way her mind worked.

At 11:50 he felt something grab his ankle.

"Ahhhhh!" Nott screamed and shook his foot from the grasp of a slimy blue hand. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"Theodore."

Two scaly blue hands belonging to an unknown creature grabbed the underside of the bed and pulled itself up.

"Who are you?"

The creature had slimy blue skin, and wild kelp-like hair.

"You're a mermaid?'

"No silly," said the Mermaid, removing a scaly mask. "It's me Luna!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Nott rounded the corner and bolted down the corridor towards the Great Hall, desperate to lose his pursuer.

"Theo, wait for me!" yelled Luna, who couldn't keep up with her love's flailing limbs. "I know we have to make it to the unmasking but can't we talk first?"

Dumbledore just stepped out of the Great Hall. He thoroughly enjoyed watching his students dancing the night away and looking at all of the creative costumes. This was definitely his best idea yet. A masquerade ball; the perfect first step to house unity, what better way to get to know the enemy by dancing with them (unknowingly of course) and possibly even making friends. Wouldn't the students be ecstatic when they all unmasked at midnight? Dumbledore chuckled to himself. He was wondering down towards the dungeons to pick up Professor Snape's masquerade mask which he 'accidentally' forgot at the beginning of the ball. Why he couldn't let up and have some fun for one night, Dumbledore would never know. As he turned the corner to run down to the dungeons a smaller version of what appeared to be himself appeared in front of him screaming. He was quite a bit shorter and was wearing the exact same orange robes with black cats and purple stars as he was. His white beard was long and untidy and his hat was slightly askew.

When the smaller figure saw the real Dumbledore, he stopped right in his tracks. Not knowing what to do, when the real Dumbledore looked confused, he put up a matching look. When the real Dumbledore tried to move to the right, Nott moved to his left. They mirrored each other for quite some time before the real Dumbledore looked up over Nott's shoulder.

"My, what is that sea witch doing down there?" He asked as he stroked his beard. Nott turned around to find Luna sprinting up the corridor.

"Ahhhhh!" He screamed before pushing Dumbledore out of the way and running into the great hall. Luna hurried after him. Dumbledore watched as the two disappeared around the corner.

"Oh my, a boy after my own heart! How pleasant!"

Ginny ran into the Great Hall screaming like a banshee. She was covered head to toe with the same pumpkiny substance that Hannah was covered in before she had gone to clean up. Seamus, who came in following Ginny, had a small bit of pumpkin spatter residue on his toga but it appeared that Ginny got the bulk of it.

Out of the crowd of onlookers, a vampire, Little Red Riding Hood, and Morpheus come running onto the scene.

"What's wrong Ginny?" The vampire inquired in a raspy voice.

"Wait; hold on a moment, Professor Lupin? Is that you?" Harry asked from the sidelines.

"Yeah, of course it's us. Lupin and I were here for the corn maze. Although Snape wasn't very helpful, he kept running off somewhere." Tonks replied as she pulled down her red hood to reveal her face. Her hair was a shiny black with obnoxious orange streaks to match the paper chains adorning the ceiling. All of a sudden, a random Death Eater sprinted onto the scene.

"Oh no, they're everywhere!" Harry screamed as he drew his plastic sword to which his wand was duct-taped and pointed it at the Death Eater. "Aye, Avast!" The Death Eater drew his wand and pointed it at Harry.

"You think it wise boy, to cross wands with a Death Eater?" The Death Eater replied. "Now put that thing away before I take ten thousand points from Gryffindor."

"Severus not a Death Eater!' Someone yelled as they ran into the middle of the circle that was now composed of the main characters. It was 'the real' Dumbledore. "I just brought him this mask so he wouldn't feel left out. He uses it for his undercover work…Shhh.!"

"Sure and Draco's the Easter Bunny!" Ron stated blandly.

"I had to go talk to Dumbledore…" Snape retaliated.

"About what?" Harry asked after putting his sword back in it's sheath.

"About like, secret like, double agent like, business, like yeah!" Snape stuttered.

"And I thought you were just sneaking off to get out of working! You know, it's hard work scaring children these days; they thought I was a magician!" Lupin sounded scandalized.

"It would've been a lot easier if it was a full moon." Seamus stated.

"I wonder if someone could be a vampire and a werewolf at the same time… like a vamp-wolf." Ron piped up.

"Or a were-pire!" Kingsley added.

"So he'd be like Michael from Underworld after the chick bit him." Tonks implied. "But of course, he didn't have little red riding hood!" She slung her arm around Lupin.

"Kinky…" Seamus said.

"Hello! Don't forget what's going on with me!" Ginny shrieked. "Well who could've done this to me?"

"It was Malfoy!" Harry exclaimed. Everyone blinked. "Think about it! Yesterday when Ginny, Ron, Hermione and I were walking along the second floor corridor yesterday on our way to lunch we noticed that Fred and George were making a spider web of silly string in a darkened alcove when Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were walking. Ginny accidentally bumped into Malfoy and he got cocooned in the web. After that there were a couple threats thrown but nothing unusual."

"If I had a sickle for every time someone said 'die blood traitors die'…"

High above the crowds of masked figures, Patrick stood upon a ladder with his wand pointed towards one of the many paper chains that were suspended along the roof of the Great Hall creating a spider web net. He ignited the top of his wand and the flames slowly crept along the chains one by one.

Hannah had finished cleaning up and was now rejoining her friends in the Great Hall. She was devastated that her hair was limp but that was the least of her worries; she smelt something burning.

"Hey, do you guys smell something burning?" Hannah asked as she sniffed the air upon her return to Ernie.

"The roof is on fire!" Bem yelled. Everyone looked up to see that the paper chains were on fire and a fireman was descending a ladder.

"Stand back everyone, I'll handle this." The real Dumbledore said as he rolled up his sleeves and drew his wand. "Aquamentai Maximus!"

Hermione felt a tap on her shoulder. She spun around to see Zorro standing behind her (finally!).

McGonagall called for everyone's attention as the witching hour approached.

A pair of cold eyes met her perfect warm chocolately, nutmeg brown eyes. She knew those eyes from somewhere, but she couldn't place them. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end.

"At midnight, as you all know, it is the witching hour and we will all reveal our true identities by shedding our sequined masks." McGonagall called out across the room. "Now," She whipped out her wand and made a clock appear out of orange crackling stars.

"…10…"

Zorro pretended to reach inside his cloak but when he flicked his hand back out, a single red rose materialized out of thin air.

"…9…."

The students chanted and had their eyes fixed upon the shimmering clock.

"…8…"

He extended his hand and the damsel in red accepted the rose.

"…7…"

Luna caught up with Nott out in the Entrance Hall and together, they made their way into the Great Hall, making sure to close the doors quietly behind them.

"…6…"

Hermione gave a most un-Hermione-ish giggle.

"…5…"

Dumbledore turned his head; his wand still pointed securing the watery barrier above the students. He caught sight of Nott, dressed as his double by the Great Hall doors with the sea witch.

"…4…"

"Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?" Zorro recited.

"…3…"

Dumbledore in his moment of bewilderment upon seeing his double, lost control of the spell he had been performing.

"…2…"

Hermione froze, "No, that voice…it couldn't be…"

"…1…"

As the students ripped off their masks the water came crashing to the Great Hall's floor drenching everyone. Most girls screamed, some people fell over; and the Great Hall was enveloped in silence as everyone was stunned by what had just occurred.

"YOU!" Students exclaimed throughout the hall, obviously not liking the results of their dance partners.

"YOU! How could I have been so stupid?" Hermione threw the rose down to the ground and began jumping on it rather unceremoniously. "How could you? You stupid slimy Slytherin! I should have smelled the reek off of you! You stupid dungeon kid! You lot live their down in the dark doing Merlin knows what, plotting to make our lives more miserable than they already are! And you're all Death Eaters! Harry warned me you were a Death Eater and I didn't believe him!"

"I told you so!" Harry called from the other side of the room.

"You stupid slimy Death Eater! Why didn't I listen to Harry? Why did you have to be so cute and mysterious with that stupid black mask and stupid looking hat?" Hermione continued.

"Cute? You thought I was cute? I just got called cute by a mudblood! No!" Draco reached into the pocket of his cloak and pulled out a bottle and started spraying its contents on him. "Must….disinfect…blood…no…dirty…filthy…little…MUDBLOOD!"

"You probably were sent here by Voldemort! You and that stupid rose! What? Is this some part of his plan to take over the wizarding world? I'm always the key to the plot! I'm always the one who gets kidnapped! It's always me and I'm tired of it! All of you Death Eaters love him so much, why don't you just go marry him because you love him so much?"

"Kidnap you? Why would I waste my precious time and energy kidnapping you when I could kidnap Potter? Probably easier, he's not that bright you know! And if I was going to kidnap you that would mean I would have to touch you, and Merlin knows that's the last thing on anyone's agenda! I would rather kiss She-Weasel!"

"Then why did you spend all of your time and energy tonight stalking me?"

"Because I thought you were someone with enough wizarding blood to fill up a teaspoon! And less hair!"

"Oh, so you're into bald people now! You stupid bloody peacock!"

CUE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUSIC

"It's the Phantom!" Hannah yelled dramatically as she pointed up into the rafters. Everyone looked up. Out of the black, cloudy sky came what appeared to be a water balloon. It tumbled through the air, landing with a splat on Draco's head, causing him to become covered in the now familiar pumpkiny gunk.

"NO! MY DESIGNER ROBES!" Draco howled. "This hair is insured for more than Weaselby's house!"

"Well, there goes that theory…" Ron stated. All of a sudden, following the balloon, a figure donned in a porcelain white mask, came soaring through the air on a rope that appeared to be tied to the crystal chandelier (yes, the Great Hall now has a chandelier…). That chandelier, not expecting the weight that it was about to take on; gave way and began to tumble towards the floor. Dumbledore, seeing the chaos could occur (not to mention the death) outstretched his withered old hand and uttered the spell that he muttered at the Quidditch game in Prisoner of Azkaban.

"Alasto Momento!" The chandelier froze in midair. Then, with astounding power, Dumbledore used 'the force' to gently levitate it to the floor. The Phantom, who was a few feet above the ground, let go of the rope and dive rolled towards the ground landing in a fighting stance. Everyone was silent as the Phantom slowly let his gaze wander the crowd, looking for his next and final victim. His eyes came to rest upon the toga'd Seamus. In a flash, he was pointing his wand at his jugular vein.

"Alas, I have you!" The Phantom shrieked. "Hannah! Come out come out wherever you are!" No one moved.

"What do you want with her?" Ernie asked timidly.

"Oh, well we just need to have a little talk." The Phantom replied menacingly. A pale hand urged the Fairy out of the crowd; but she resisted.

"Oh hurry up!" Snape said as he gave her one last push.

"Fine, I'm here, what do you want?" Hannah crossed her arms.

"Your hand in marriage!" The Phantom responded.

"WHAT!"

"You heard me! Marry me or Finnigan's blood will crawl across this hardwood floor!" Hannah thought for a minute.

"What's option C?"

"What?"

"Option C…what is it?"

"There is no option C! Either you marry me or the git dies!"

"Who are you?"

"It's not important!"

"You just proposed, of course it's important!"

"You should know who I am, I only have the left side of my face masked!"

"Doesn't ring a bell…"

"Ahhhhh!" The Phantom let out a noise of frustration.

"Yeah, marry him!" Seamus piped up. "It's not so bad, he seems nice enough. Premeditated murder, I mean he's got a great sense of humor. I bet he'd make a great father!"

"Yeah, what the git said!" The Phantom screamed.

"Don't listen to him, he's useless." Hannah spat.

Meanwhile, unbenounced to the Phantom, the Golden Trio had crept behind one of the giant half pumpkins lining the walls.

"Ok, when I give the signal, Ron, you tackle Seamus and get him out of the way. Meanwhile Hermione and I will push the pumpkin over on the Phantom." Harry waited a moment before giving Ron and Hermione a two fingered salute.

"For Hogwarts!" Ron screamed as he tackled Seamus to the ground, getting him away from the Phantom's wand point.

"Expelliarmus!" Ginny yelled from the crowd. The Phantom's wand flew into her hand.

"NOW!" Yelled Harry. Together, the pirate and the damsel pushed the pumpkin on top of the Phantom, trapping him in a stringy cavern of darkness.

"Fiddlesticks! Foiled again!" The Phantom pounded his fists on the inside of the pumpkin. Suddenly, a strange noise could be heard. It sounded oddly like cutting. Soon enough, a blade covered in blood cutting into his orange prison appeared. Within minutes, a bludger sized hole had been cut. The Phantom stuck his head out to see Harry holding the bloody knife.

"Where'd you get that?" The Phantom inquired.

"Out of an angst fic…" Harry responded lazily. "Hannah, if you will…" Harry said motioning to her.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." Hannah begrudgingly walked up to the Phantom and slid her finger under the bottom of his mask. In one swift swipe, Justin appeared.

CUE DRAMATIC GASP

"Justin? What the hell?" Hannah shrieked.

"What kind of stunt is this young man?" Dumbledore asked as he walked forward.

"It was not a stunt! It was an act of love!"

"Wait a moment, you were going to kill someone just to be with me?" Hannah exclaimed in a shocked tone.

"YES!"

"That's so romantic!"

"Want to go out again?"

"Sure!"

"What? You are going to go out with him when he tried to kill me? I'll get you! I'll get you both! LIFTEN SEPARATIS CROTCHUM!" A jet of blue light shot out of Seamus' wand, missed Justin and ricocheted off of the chandelier, hitting a giant spider (who just happened to be Crabbe and Goyle who had led many conga lines during the ball) sending them flying into the doors of the Great Hall. They burst open letting a river of candy corn pour over all of the students near the door.

"Not Liften Sucrotus Cornum!" The students rushed forwards to indulge in the sugary candy, leaving Justin to be forgotten.

_I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?"  
I am the wind blowing through your hair_

I am the shadow on the moon at night  
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright

This is Halloween, this is Halloween

A/N: This is our Halloween chapter. Bonus points to the ones who can guess the Zoey 101 reference and normal points to anyone who can tell us 3 other references! By the way, Eleen dress up as a Harry Potter extra for Halloween for school today and she was mistaken for "That's Drac-Milfoy guy!"


	17. LOL!

After seeing how his students were struggling with their homework Dumbledore decided that everyone should get computers! He believed that work would run a lot better if they had Google. Although many were scared by the strange muggle boxes they soon grew to love the computers and abuse them all the same, and that's why you could find some of our beloved students wasting away their time in the Hogwarts chat room...

**MyDadisRich says:**

I refuse to talk to you about such matters over the computer…

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

You're in love with Potter.

**MyDadisRich says:**

No I am Nott!

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Nott! I'm going to kill you!

**MyDadisRich says:**

Typo.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Don't scare me like that!

**MyDadisRich says:**

Girls are so difficult.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Whatever.

_has entered the conversation._

_Bookworm89 has entered the conversation._

**MyDadisRich says:**

Shittinknickers.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Merlin, the Gryffindorks are here…

**says:**

Who's all here?

**Bookworm89 says:**

Malfoy and Parkinson.

**says:**

Lovely…

**Bookworm89 says:**

Oh! Malfoy, about Harry…

**MyDadisRich says:**

Ahhhhh!

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

I'm not the only one!

_MyDadisRich has left the conversation_

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

God, he's so difficult! What were you saying Mudblood?

**Bookworm89 says:**

Hermione.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Whatever…

**Bookworm89 says:**

Well Harry has been acting a little odd lately and obsessing over Malfoy and I was wondering if Malfoy was doing the same thing.

_TheKing has entered the conversation_

**TheKing says:**

What's up?

**says:**

Homework.

**Bookworm89 says:**

Boys.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Harry.

**TheKing says:**

Oh, you mean the gay thing.

**says:**

It's pretty obvious…

**TheKing says:**

I thought if he had to fall in love with a bloke it'd be me! But NOOOOOOO! It had to be _Draco Malfoy_.

_CHOSEN1 has entered the conversation._

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Damn.

**CHOSEN1 says:**

Hey guys, its Harry, what are you lot talking about?

**TheKing says:**

Snape.

**says:**

Ron.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Lady problems.

**Bookworm89 says:**

Malfoy.

**CHOSEN1 says:**

Perfect, a topic I can relate to. When I was in the corridor the other day that ferret didn't even say hi to me! I mean, I spent an hour on my hair for nothing! Did you hear me? Nothing!

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Speak of the devil.

**TheKing says:**

What? Malfoy's not in here is he?

**says:**

No you dolt! He left when we started to talk about lady problems.

**TheKing says:**

Yeah man, the cramps are killing me. Mione, do you have any chocolate?

**Bookworm89 says:**

No Ronald, I'm not Lupin.

_Nott enters the conversation._

**Nott says:**

Hi guys.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Who's this?

**Nott says:**

It's me, Nott.

**Bookworm89 says:**

But if you were really Nott you wouldn't have your name as Nott.

**Nott says:**

Why not?

**TheKing says:**

This is hurting my head!

_KissMeImIrish has entered the conversation._

_Sexyblondgirl has entered the conversation._

_.Spoons. has entered the conversation._

_I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks has entered the conversation._

**.Spoons says:**

This is about six hundred words man.

**Bookworm89 says:**

What are you talking about Ernie?

**.Spoons says:**

The authors needed a word count.

**Nott says:**

But I haven't broken a rule yet.

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Why are you always talking about rules?

**Sexyblondgirl says:**

None of your business pug face!

_Bookworm89 has left the conversation._

_TheKing has left the conversation._

_MyDadisRich has entered the conversation._

**CHOSEN1 says:**

Three guesses where those two are gone off to…

**MyDadisRich says:**

What two?

**says:**

My moronic brother and Mione.

**Sexyblondgirl says:**

Broom closets beware!

**MyDadisRich says:**

That gives me an idea…

_MyDadisRich has left the conversation._

_PotionsGeek has entered the conversation._

**Pansy3Galleons says:**

Right behind you baby (innuendo)!

_Pansy 3Galleons has left the conversation._

**Sexyblondgirl says:**

If those two bred they would give birth to furniture.

**Nott says:**

There's no 'if'; I've heard them.

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

I hate muggle week.

**Sexyblondgirl says:**

Why?

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Muggle Studies had gone completely crazy! We had to do this stupid project where we were supposed to go and find an accurate representation of muggle life; so I ran off a few chick tract comics.

**.Spoons says:**

That's tough, but you broke a rule!

**PotionsGeek says:**

What rule?

**Sexyblondgirl says:**

None of your sodding business!

**KissMeImIrish says:**

Who are you anyway?

**PotionsGeek says:**

Are you plotting to overthrow this faculty?

**KissMeImIrish says:**

That's between me and my lawyer…

_.Spoons sends chocolate frog to I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks._

**CHOSEN1 says:**

Did any of you guys get security on your computer?

**KissMeImIrish:**

Does iTunes count?

**CHOSEN1 says:**

No. Dumbledore had the computer guys put a bunch of firewalls and security software on my laptop so Voldemort can't hack into my email.

**PotionsGeek says:**

So what are these rules?

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Who are you?

**PotionsGeek says:**

Rules!

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Identity!

_KissMeImIrish has left the conversation._

**PotionsGeek says:**

Rules!

_Sexyblondgirl has left the conversation._

_.Spoons has left the conversation._

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Identity!

_CHOSEN1 has left the conversation._

**PotionsGeek says:**

Rules!

_has left the conversation._

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Identity!

**PotionsGeek says:**

Rules!

**Nott says:**

Oh will you shut up already?

**PotionsGeek says:**

No! 20 points from Slytherin for talking back to me!

**Nott says:**

You're a teacher?

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Identity!

**PotionsGeek says:**

Rules!

**Nott says:**

This stinks!

_Nott has left the conversation._

**I3KrumpleHorndedSnorkacks says:**

Identity!

**PotionsGeek says:**

Rules!


	18. You Charmed The Heart Right Out Of Me!

A/N: For those of you who don't know, "Lucky Charms" is a kind of Cereal with Cherio-esque letters and colorful shrunken marshmallows. The mascot for the cereal is a little leprechaun who is eternally hunted by a group of smiling children who want his delicious breakfast cereal. Hence, during the TV ads he shouts, "They're after me Luck Charms!" refering to the marshmallows (which take the shapes of four leaf clovers, horseshoes, exc…) he lovingly covets.

* * *

Rule 17: Seamus Finnigan is not "after me Lucky Charms"

* * *

Once upon a time there was a Magical Magical Magical world and in that Magical

Magical Magical world was a Magical Magical Magical school where Magical Magical Magical gifted children learned Magic. Among those Magical Magical Magical childen were Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy who were from the Magical Magical Magical houses on Gryffindor and Slytherin. Through the first 6 years of Canon they hated each other, but lately Hermione has come to admire Draco's cool and commanding presence.

Likewise, Draco grew to appreciate Hermione's courage and Nerdish smarts. They have learned to work together in all magical magical magical House Unity and are now friends

...or maybe more?

Sound of record scratching

Wait… that came out wrong

Draco and Hermione hated each other with every fiber of their obnoxious and snobbish beings.

Yeah that's better….

This weekend sense the little kiddies need an opportunity to buy their friends and family random novelty magical items; a trip to Hogsmeade has been scheduled.

Ronald Weasley, everyone's favorite plot-Challenged sidekick, was on his way out of Zonkos when he ran into Pansy Parkinson, everyone's favorite target-audience-aged female antagonist.

"Watch where you're going Weasley!"

"Sorry, I didn't see you in this Convenient Blizzard which helps conceal peoples identities." Said Ron, who could just make out Pansy's withering glare through the snow.

"Just because this snow conveniently disguises people identities from a distance doesn't give you an excuse to give me blood traitor cooties!"

Just then through the Blizzard Ron could make out two figures approaching, though they could not be identified visually, their shrill voices were much to trademark to ignore.

"No Hermione! I want to go hang out with Crabbe and Goyle!" Came Malfoy's whine.

"What about me?" Pansy gasped to Ron, Draco and Hermione were too far away to hear their whispers.

"You think I want to hang around with you? When I can be with my friend, Harry Potter?" said Hermione.

"Please, I'm much better company then St. Potty."

"What about me? We're an item." Squeaked Ron.

"Come on we have to find a more private place I can barely see your angular features through this convenient snow."

Pansy hissed: "Stay away from his angular features, you hairy twit!

Hermione grabbed Draco and pulled him into the nearest shop.

Pansy and Ron raced after them, both hoping, that if they heard enough of this conversation they might be able to figure out why neither Draco or Hermione had slept in their dormitories the past few nights.

It turned out the café Hermione had guided (or in Draco's case dragged) them into was non other than Madam Puddifoot's.

Hermione and Draco slumped into a booth at the back and propped two menus up to help shield them from the other occupants of the café. Pansy and Ron followed, instinctively pulling their hoods up in case someone might look their way. They took seats in the booth beside Draco and Hermione's and propped their menus up as well.

"Listen, Granger," snapped Draco, his voice was muffled by the seat of the booth, but not completely drowned out by the light chatter of the café. "When I leave this village I'm going back to the Slytherin Dormitories, not that stupid bloody tower!"

"But Dumbledore said-"

"To Azkaban with Dumbledore!"

"But-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"But-"

"May I take your order, please?"

"I'll have the Low Fat Tofu omelet and the most pureblood-worthy water you have."

Hermione wrinkled her nose; "I'll just have a Butterbeer and a large order of fries…"

"God, get a salad will you? There's enough wrong with this arrangement without me having to be seen with a girl who eats that much! Do you know how many calories are in that? The Trans Fat? It will got straight to your hips and-"

"-With extra cheese, extra gravy and extra sauerkraut."

'Fine, if you want to rival Hagrid's waistline one day, go right ahead and eat like that."

"So nice to hear that you care," she heaved a large fake sigh. "Besides, I have a good metabolism."

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

The waitress walked over to Pansy and Ron.

"May I take your order?"

"Ummm…." Ron inspected his menu. "What's the house special?"

The waitress told him.

Now, could I substituted the fries with anything?"

"Mashed potatoes or Rice."

"What kind of rice?"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" squeaked Pansy in a stage whisper, whacking him with her menu, "We'll have what they're having." She indicated the booth beside him and showed the menus at the frazzled waitress, who left.

Back at the other booth, Draco and Hermione were back to arguing.

"There is no way that I'm doing that with you." Draco complained as he pouted.

"But it is our duty…" Hermione injected.

"Oh…" Draco began as he threw his arms up into the air, "first it was our duty to share a dormitory, now it's our-" Finger quote "-duty to dress up as idiots!"

"Well at least you're outfit covers all of you!" Hermione pointed out.

"What you want to trade?" offered Draco.

"There's no way I'm wearing a beard!" Said Hermione.

Pansy and Ron looked at each other.

"It's included." Draco responded.

"Pillows and all?" Hermione asked.

"When you're nice and padded you'll know what it feels like to have a slow metabolism." Draco responded.

The waitress came and placed their orders on the table. Hermione immediately started on her fries.

"Not anytime soon." She said between mouthfuls.

"At least I can run my fingers through my hair."

"Leave my hair out of his!"

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Meanwhile…

"Here you go…" the waitress arrived. "Can I get you anything else?" she asked placing two plates of food in front of Pansy and Ron.

"No thank you." Said Ron, and the waitress departed.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"I think, sense it's so big we should name it." Draco announced.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"What?" shrieked Pansy. "Name what?"

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"It's not so big as to be referred to as a separate person." Hermione protested.

"I disagree."

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"I don't get it." Said Ron. "What are they naming?"

Pansy rolled her eyes and whispered a few choice words into his ear.

Ron suddenly looked like he had a stomachache.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"If anyone should get to decide whether it is named or not." Came Hermione voice in an exasperated tone. "It should be me."

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"Why dose she get to name it? And how dose she know it's so big as to be referred to as a separate person."

"It's that big?"

"Oh yes." Pansy nodded, she looked down at the fries before her. "Ewwww….this is disgusting!"

"You're not alone, what is this?" Ron jabbed his omelet with a fork.

They began to argue over whose food was grosser.

Enter Seamus. He stopped and stared at the two tables. He backtracked a few steps staring gobsmacked at the mismatched pair, his index finger traveling back and forth, trying to figure it out. In one booth were Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, sworn enemies and archrivals in everything. In the other was their significant others arguing over food.

Ron caught sight of Seamus and beckoned him over as to not blow their cover.

"Seamus, don't let Draco and Hermione know we're here!"

"But-But-"

"No time to explain." He turned back to Pansy. "Now this pasty poor excuse for an omelet is no meal for a man."

"Well these fries will go straight to my hips."

Before Seamus left he switched Pansy and Ron's Plates.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"Listen Granger," Draco said, cutting off another piece of omelet," I hate that tower and I hate you."

"Well you snore," Hermione said in a sing-song voice, polishing off her fries. "And you won't wear the bath robe."

"I don't wear anything that matches the bathroom floor tiles."

"It's festive."

"Even so, if I wore it would be matching you, which would associate me with you."

"To late for that."

"That's why we're keeping our situation a secret."

"But, I'm tired of hiding."

"Come on, if we let everyone know," Protested Draco,"we'd be the laughingstock of the whole school…and those bathrobes would be playing into you and Dumbledore demoniac little House unity Project."

"This wasn't my idea!"

"Admit it, you like it."

"I do not!"

"Sure."

* * *

The Three Broomsticks was bustling about with many weary travelers seeking refuge in the bar so they could warm up with a nice Butterbeer. The sounds of clinking glasses and the soft cracking of the fire filled the air while joyous laughter could be heard ringing through the rafters. In the far corner of the bar, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood were sipping their drinks and talking happily about the Christmas Season; well, that is to say that Harry and Ginny were talking and drinking. Luna, on the other hand, was concentrating on stuffing as many marshmallows into her mouth as possible. 

"Luna," Ginny turned to the blonde beside her, "What are you eating?"

"They're called Lucky Charms." She said.

"Why aren't you eating CherriOwls?"

"They taste like floor."

Just then the door of the Tavern burst open dramatically causing an eerie draft to fill the room, a dark silhouette framed the doorway, the figure scanned the tables till be caught sight of Harry, Ginny and Luna at the bar, then he slammed the door and rushed over to them.

"Harry, I know where Hermione was last night!" It was Ron.

"Where was she?" asked Ginny.

"With Malfoy!"

Somewhere in the distance an organ sounded. Onomatopoeia: Dun Dun Dun Da.

"Were they doing perfect duties."

"No-"

"Was she yelling at him?"

"Yes and-"

"Where were they?"

"Madam Puddifoot's."

The others gasped.

"There must be some mistake!"

"No, they were talking about hiding it from us, about how they're sneaking around and matching Bathrobes!"

"What were you doing in there, anyway?" Asked Ginny.

"Umm…see the thing about that-"

"Ron, what were you doing on a date with Pansy Parkinson." Seamus had arrived and sat down beside Luna.

"Get away from my Lucky Charms!" Luna pulled her bowl away from him. "You're after me Lucky Charms!!"

A chocolate frog hit Luna in the side of the head and it landed beside Harry.

"What was that?" Asked Harry as Luna picked up the frog.

"Oh, nothing, just a candy gram," answered Luna. "Thanks Nott!" she yelled in no particular direction.

"Wait," Harry got back on topic, "What were you doing with Parkinson?"

"What?" Hermione appeared beside Ron and smacked him in the back of the head. "WHAT were you doing with Parkinson?"

"Ow!" Ron grunted. "You're one to talk! We saw you with Malfoy!"

Hermione looked taken aback. "What? Oh, I was tutoring him…. Dumbledore made me, some weird house unity conspiracy plot."

"I didn't see any books." Ron pointed out.

"It was verbal."

"More like oral." Ron crossed his arms.

"Why were you with Pansy?"

"We were spying on you! And don't try and change the subject!"

"What you don't trust me?"

"Ah, hello? You were in Madam Puddifoot's with DRACO MALFOY! What do you expect?"

"Fine!" Hermione yelled. "Is that what you want to hear? You're _so_ convinced aren't you!" Hermione was in full-blown hysterics. "Thenfine! I'M GOING OUT WITH DRACO MALFOY!"

The occupants of The Three Broomsticks stared at her, gobsmacked.

"Oops…."


	19. Exchanged

**Chapter 18**

All the student's of Hogwarts were gathered in the great hall for a mysterious announcement. Dumbledore stood and looked down upon the students, his eyes glittering.

"I have gathered you all here for a special ceremony!" he spread his arms wide, "We are starting an exchange program!"

Cricket: chirp chirp

"What?" said Ron, "Does that mean that we get to get rid of someone?"

"I vote Malfoy," said Harry.

"I heard that!" shouted Draco from across the room.

"I hope he's joking," said Hermione, logically, who had spent the better part of dinner receiving glares from Ron, looks of disappointment from Harry and being probed with questions from Lavender and Parvati relating to Draco's Anatomy. "We don't have such programs at Hogwarts, I should know I read Hogwarts: A History a zillion times, did you know that the 16th headmaster had-"

"Can it Hermione." Said Lavender.

"You can it you wh-" 

"Ladies!" said Ron, throwing his hands in the air.

"Dumbledore! If someone comes here, can we get rid of Weaselby!" called Draco.

"Settle down, everyone." Said Dumbledore. "We're not shipping anyone off to Siberia, unless anyone volunteers?"

"I Volunteer Potter!"

"That's enough, Mr. Malfoy. Anyway, I would like introduce our new student: Maridith-Susanna!"

And a beautiful girl entered. Her hair was long, cascading, and was as black as a thestral in a black sky with naught but two milky eyes amid a sea of black, but there was no white in her hair only the blackest black. Her skin was pale, in an attractive sort of way. Around her neck was a delicate locket. Her eyes were black and if you got close enough you could see that they were flecked with red. She had a perfect body, curvy yet slim and walked with a swagger worthy of a Malfoy.

"Hey, that's my swagger!"

Maridith-Susanna turned to Draco and gave him a sparkling, twinkling, gleaming, shiny, blinding smile and proceeded to the podium.

"Oh my," she began, after pushing Dumbledore aside, "This is, like, so overwhelming! Your school is soooooo beautiful! I guess you guys don't have a ceiling…" she glanced up, curiously "I guess there's a charm, to keep you guys from getting wet when it rains…" she poked the air above he head.

"For Merlin's sake! It's an enchanted ceiling!!!!" screamed Hermione.

"Yeah, that's what I said!" Maridith-Susanna poked the air "Anyway, I plan to spend everyone of my days here at Hogwarts making this place the greatest place on earth! And I hope to get to know each and everyone of you as individuals!"

"I hope she doesn't get to know me!" Someone yelled from one of the house tables.

"You probably want to know about me…" Maridith-Susanna flips her hair. "Well, I grew up in America which was totally fun, because I had the most awesome school and popular friends. Does anyone have an ipod charger I could borrow by the way?"

Cricket: chirp chirp

No one spoke so she pulled out an ipod from the folds of her robe.

"This," she said waving her hand over the ipod "Is an I-POD." She said in a very slow voice, as if everyone in the room was mentally challenged.

"OK then, so, anyway, my childhood was also full of tragedy and angst. It's a wonder this fic's author didn't change the category to angst!" She said dramatically expecting everyone to be shocked.

Everyone looks at her in confusion.

"So anyway, I'm totally excited to be here and yeah, world peace!"

Silence.

She turns to Dumbledore…

"So what house am I in?"

Suddenly, the locket speaks…

"Gryffindor, Gryffindor…"

"What was that?" Dumbledore asked airily.

"Oh Nothing…" She replied. "So, I was wondering if I could…associate with Gryffindor?"

"Sure, why not?" He said indicating the Gryffindor table where the students residing there were looking around in confusion, probably remembering that they had been sorted my a hat of some sort.

Maridith-Susanna skipped down the stairs and continued down between the tables until she came to Harry and Ron.

"Excuse me boys." She said as she sat down between them. "Oh! You must be the famous Harry Potter!" She said as she pointed at his scar. She turned to Ron. "And you must be his sidekick." She then turned to an awe-struck Hermione. "And you must be the third point of the love triangle!"

Hermione looked scandalized.

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the Slytherin table, the Slytherins were talking about the arrival of the 'new girl'.

"I think she's on crack." Draco spat. "Just like the people who ship me and Loony!"

"She's so dreamy!" Crabbe said resting his head in his hands.

"I agree." Goyle said as he stared across the hall at the bubbly girl.

"She's shiny…" Nott implied.

Everyone looked at him.

"Well she is!"

"I'm surprised she can find the Gryffindork table without a signpost." Pansy sneered.

"I think the bookends would agree with me…," Nott said as he noticed Fred and George eyeing Maridith-Susanna. "Ha! I just broke a rule!"

"What are you talking about?" Draco questioned suspiciously.

"Nothing."

* * *

"Oh this is going to be soooooooooooo much fun!" Squealed Maridith-Susanna.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione snorted.

"Defeating Voldemort!" She shrieked.

"Hey, that's my shriek!" Pansy yelled.

"Whatever…" She said flipping her hair. "Anyway…"

"Wait, I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort." Harry said interrupting her. "We're not going to do anything." He said indicating them both. "I've got my name on the books, I'm doing the defeating!

"Whatever…" She said rolling her eyes and examining her manicure.

"For now…" The locket whispered.


	20. From Hell to Elf Suits

A/N: We are Canadian, not American, not that there's anything wrong with that….we just want to clarify… 

Aspen's Note: No, Marideth Suzanna is not based off of anyone in particular. As well as covering the rules, we are recreating cliches that we have read in other Harry Potter fics and in a lot of fics, you come across a girl (OC) who is practically perfect in every way, AKA, a MARY-SUE. We hate comming across them so the character's misson: BRING HER DOWN!

Rule 19: I will not refer to the Patil twins as "Bookends"

* * *

**Chapter 19**

* * *

Maridith-Susanna paced back and forth across the cold stone floor of her dormitory in a rather inappropriate, yet not out of character frilly negligee. She could feel the cold metal of her locket press against her chest; she reached up and clutched it.  
"Oh, Uncle Reggie…" muttered Maridith-Susanna, leaning against the cold stone wall and staring wistfully out the window.  
She remembered how after her parents were killed tragically by a falling piano and was forced to live with old Ms. Porker who would get drunk and lock her in the small bathroom and make her write essays. And then the Locket had came. Her uncle Reggie had owled it to her, telling her to keep it safe. There was something about the locket that made her feel better; it always seemed to know what to do.  
Maridith-Susanna was pulled out of her reminiscing by Pavarti Patil who emerged from the bathroom in a floaty white nightdress and a pink toothbrush in her mouth.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing …it's just why Gryffindor?" She placed her hand on one of her bed posts and swung lightly onto the red comforter." Why am I destined for this house?"

Pavarti spit out the window in a very unladylike fashion and plunked down beside Maridith-Susanna, "Maybe…" Pavarti's brain worked hard to come up with the most logical answer. "It has something to do with boys! Like, maybe you're meant to fall in love!"

"You mean like soulmates?" Maridith-Susanna frowned and tucked a stray strand of her raven locks behind her perfect ear.

"Yes, I mean you came all the way from America, the UNIVERSE is working very hard to bring you two together it must be important…"

"Man," said Maridith-Susanna. "And to think, I just wanted to pass Math a few months ago. So who do you think it is?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Of course." Maridith-Susanna rolled her eyes.

"Harry Potter." The girls said in unison.

"He's kind of cute in a kind of skronny emo nice guy way."

"Pshaw! He's so dreamy!" Pavarti fell back onto the bed with a dazed look on her face. "That messy dark hair, those gorgeous green eyes, rippling Quidditich muscles…"

"So what do I do?"

"Duh, get him to fall in love with you!"

"Well that won't be to hard." Maridith-Susanna giggled and flipped her hair.

"You'll have to go through Ginny…" Pavarti thought then added "And probably Romilda Vane as well."

"Please, by the time I'm done with that little redhead her middle name will be platonic."

* * *

Maridith-Susanna had fitted in as well as she could at Hogwarts, her plan to become "tight" with the trio had failed and she now hung out with the Patil twins.

Currently we can find Maridith-Susanna and her minions giggling in the courtyard. Just then Hermione and Ginny, walked by glaring at the annoying girl. But dear Maridith-Susanna was oblivious to the reason of their hatred.

"It's so sad girls are jealous of me," she said, concededly. "Not that I blame them, I'm close to, if not dead on perfect." She tossed her raven locks.

"Wow, Mary-"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!!" Maridith-Susanna stormed.

"Noth-noth-nothing."

"Good." She said hotly, "My name is Maridith-Susanna nothing less, nothing more."

"Excuse me," ventured Padma "why can't we give you an endearing nickname?"

"Because…..Because….I said so!!!" she yelled lamely.

"But why wouldn't make sense to call you Mary Su--"

"SHUT IT!"

"But-"

"End of subject."

* * *

Dean, Harry, Seamus, and Ron were studying in the library.

"I hate that stuck up little bitch!" hissed Hermione, in a stage whisper, dumping half a dozen books on the table and sitting down in a huff.

"She thinks she's sooooo great." Muttered Ginny, plunking down beside her. "Waltzing in here like she's royalty!"

"What's got you two all worked up?" asked Ron.

"We heard her going on to the Patil twins in the courtyard." Said Hermione, arranging her books with more force than necessary. "She thinks were jealous of her! Jealous of what? Ahhh!"

"I know!" said Ginny "If I was one tenth of the stuck up tart she is I'd throw myself of the astronomy tower!"

Her companions gasped.

"What?" Ginny rolled her eyes "Come on this is an AU fic, and anyway, Book 6 has been out for, like, a year, you guys should be over it by now."

"Anyway we also heard her throw a little tantrum." Hermione said, "She freaked out when her friends tried to shorten her name."

"It was really weird." Said Ginny, taping her Charms book with a quill, "Kind of funny to see her lose it, though."

"So that would make her name…Mary Suzan?" said Ron offhandedly.

"Hmmmm….I'd say Mary Su" said Dean, giving up on his Potions Essay.

"…Mary Su…Where have I heard that before." Muttered Hermione. "I swear I've read that somewhere."

While the others stared into space procrastinating doing their work, Hermione racked her brain trying to remember where she had read about a Mary-Su…

"Oh my Merlin." Squealed Hermione. "I remember where I read that!"

"What?" asked Seamus.

"To the Library!" She declared, jumping up, one finger stretching to the ceiling.

"Er…Hermione," Said Harry, "We're already in the Library."

"Right…." She turned and ran towards the DADA section; her friends close at her heels.

"Are you sure it's here?" asked Ginny.

Hermione pulled a book off a shelf and leafed through it till she reached the passage she sought and read it out loud for the others to hear:

_Of the many fearsome beast that roam our land, there are none more evil or more annoying then the infamous Mary-Sue. This being, which is nauseatingly beautiful, may invade perfectly normal settings and wreak havoc on those present. The Mary-Sue is always prefect in every way externally, it's body is perfectly proportioned and it's eyes are various ridiculous colors. It is also conceded, vain and a narcissist, obsessed with it's own beauty. The Mary-Sue has been given an XXXXX rating by the Ministry Of Magic, meaning it's "a known wizard killer, impossible to train or domesticate." If you ever come in contact with a Mary-Sue, approach with caution. If a Mary-Sue has entered your story, she should be dealt with accordingly and expelled from that plot at once. _

"Dose it say how to kill her?" asked Ginny eagerly.

"No…" Hermione closed the book with a snap and frowned. "So she's a Mary-Sue…I should have guessed."

"What do we do?" asked Harry. "Tell Dumbledore?"

"Not just yet…I think we should try to get rid of her first, there's no rules against being a Mary-Sue. It's just frowned upon." Explained Hermione.

"She not so bad….If you could mute her." Said Dean, shrugging.

Hermione glanced at her watch and gasped. "No! I'm late!" And she dashed out of the Library at top speed.

"So she's going to try and invade our plot?" Ginny asked.

"She'll ruin everything! _I _have to defeat Voldemort!" Harry said.

"This horrible!" stated Ron as he sunk to the floor.

"Well I won't let her get way with it!" Seamus shouted and dashed out of the Library as well.

* * *

Seamus had just finished formulating his plan when he reached the snow-covered courtyard where MarySue and the Patil twins were conversing.

"Oi!" Seamus announced his arrival and marched over to the trio, "Outta my way, Bookends!" He shoved the Patil Twins out of the way. "I want a word with you!" he wiggled his index finger at Maridith, who promptly sighed and tossed her midnight locks.

"Seamus, right?" she enclosed a perfectly manicured hand over Seamus' still outstretched finger and shook it up and down. "It's a pleasure. However can I help you?" She flashed him her million (no make that _trillion_) dollar smile.

Seamus wretched his finger from her cold grasp and shook himself. "Listen I know who you are – what you are – and I want you out of this fic, NOW!"

Maridith frowned, lines forming on her flawless complexion. "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just another foreign exchange student!"

"Ummmm, hello? Hogwart's doesn't have exchange students!"

"In Goblet of Fire students from Drumstangs and Beauxbatons-"

"That was for the Triwizard Tournament!"

"Yes, that reminds me!" She snapped her fingers, "I must talk to Dumbledore about having another one of those, I would look so cute in one of those little task outfits!"

"No tournament."

"Not just a little inter-house compa-"

"No!" Seamus flailed his hands in protest. "Now stay away from us, and stay away from this plot!"

"Oh Seamus," Maridith flipped her hair. "Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, come on! Let's be realistic, we both know that beautiful people like me - like us," she placed her right hand on his shoulder, "Don't belong in the background." She began to trace little circles in the black material of Seamus' robe with her thumb, "You streak and I integrate."

"Just because you pretty-"

"-Thank you-"

"-That dose not give you the right to make everything about you!"

"But I have questions and I want answers." She waved goodbye and was about to make her exit when a voice stopped her-"

"Maridith Suzanna-50 candygrams."

They both turned to see Hermione Granger, her arm outstretched, holding a fistful of candy canes. However, it was her attire that left them speechless. She had donned a skimpy green and red felt elf costume complete with hat and belled shoes.

"Here," she tossed the candy at Maridith, who just barely caught them. Hermione reached into her velvet sac and extracted another 20 or so candy canes which she threw at the MarySue. They smacked into her chest and landed scatted among the snow, like a candy can massacre. "Have a Happy Christmas."

"How dare you!" Maridith gasped as the twins gathered up her candy canes.

But Hermione ignored her, "Oh, Father Christmas!" she bellowed. "Get over here! Give her a hug so we can leave!"

Slowly a rather grumpy looking Santa Claus emerged from behind a pillar and shuffled towards the group. "Ho Ho Ho." He mumbled reluctantly.

"Now HUG HER!" Hermione ordered desperately.

"NO!" responded Father Christmas.

"You said you wouldn't hug the blokes-"

'I know I said I'd hug the birds, but not _her_." Father Christmas said, his voice dripping with repulsion.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!" Seamus waved his hands to silence them. "Malfoy?"

"See, everyone knows it's me!" Draco pulled off his fake beard.

"Stop!" Hermione shreiked.

"How do they always guess it's me!?" Draco demanded.

"Well, _I've_ never seen a more grumpier Santa Clause!" Hermione pointed out.

Just then, Seamus' study group (which he had previously abandoned in the library) marched into the courtyard. "Seamus there you-" Began Harry before coming to a halt. "Malfoy? Hermione?"

TBC


	21. Candy Grams!

We would like to thank Hedw1g for giving us the right to using 'stupid Voldemort...'**

* * *

**

**Rule #20: I will not call the defence against the dark arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.**

_"Seamus, there you-" Began Harry before coming to a halt. "Malfoy? Hermione?"_

The study group came to an abrupt halt, slamming into the back of Harry.

They were gobsmacked. Of course, you would be too if you had seen Hermione Granger dressed as a very slaggish elf. Beside her, Malfoy stood in full Santa attire except the beard which was clutched in his heartless hands. Beside them, Marideth Suzanna was giving her a withering look while Seamus just looked over-all confused.

"I...but...who...am I...Are you really...I'm missing something aren't I?" Ron stuttered as he gazed at the scene before him.

"Draco, just hug her already!" Hermione screamed ignoring her friends who had just joined the chapter.

"No! You can't make me!"

"Draco, you have to hug her!"

"No!"

"But you're Santa!"

"I never wanted to be Santa in the first place! Slytherins are not jolly and they definitely don't hug people while they are dressed in tacky suits that look like Dumbledore on a lemon drop binge, let alone a snobby stuck up American who just waltzed right on in here like she owned the place!" Draco ranted as he threw his beard to the ground and stomped joyfully on it, where it was lost among the fluffy white snow.

"That doesn't give you the right to throw candy canes at me!" Marideth screeched.

"I can throw anything I like at you!" Hermione retaliated. Marideth gasped.

"Make a snow bitch!" Marideth yelled as she advanced on Hermione and pushed her with all her might, sending Hermione a few inches backwards, not doing the least bit of harm. It appears that Marideth Suzanna should eat more Alberta Beef to get her strength up.

"Stay away from Hermione you whore!" Ginny yelled in all her feistiness and tackled Marideth into the snow.

"Hermione, why are you dressed like that?" Asked Ron.

"Dumbledore made me and Draco pass out the candy grams..." She replied.

"Why you two?" Dean wondered aloud.

"Well, you see..." Hermione trailed off.

**FLASHBACK**

_Draco and Hermione stood in front of Dumbledore's desk. The jubilant Headmaster tossed two costumes at them before yelling 'Get out'._

**END FLASHBACK**

Draco stared at her, prepared to contradict her retelling but seemed to think better of it. "Yeah, that's what happened."

"So Dumbledore called you two to his office, threw something at you, yelled at you and then banished you?" Harry questioned trying to see reason.

"Well if you look at it that way of course it's going to sound bad! He probably had a tough day, it's not easy being Dumbledore!" Hermione retaliated.

"Well it's also tough being Harry Potter but you don't see me throwing stuff at you!" Harry exclaimed.

RING!

"Oh my Merlin! We're all late for defense against the dark arts!" The group screamed in unison. They all ran off up to the castle, while Ginny and Marideth Suzanna lay forgotten on the ground, still trying to Avada each other without using their wands.

Once inside they noticed something was different.

"Something is different..." Harry said bluntly.

Five inches of snow covered the corridor floor.

"Fred and George..." They groaned in unison. Slipping slightly, they made a mad dash towards the DADA room which was on the fourth floor. When they arrived, they found all of the class in full winter wear, shivering in their wooden desks and the group joined them.

Professor Lupin entered (He's the new DADA teacher because no one else wanted to take the job for fear they would meet a horrible death, possibly involving being carried off into the forest by angry centaurs); he was wearing a large orange parka. His hood was pulled over his graying hair and the hands that clutched his tattered briefcase were clad in canary yellow mittens. Hannah twitched her eyes raising her hand.

"Um...Professor?"

"Yes Miss Abbot?"

"What's with the giant orange anorak?"

"It's Lockhart's. He leant it to me."

"You look like Kenny from South Park."

"I know."

Ernie, now taking after Hannah's idea in delaying the beginning of class by asking stupid questions, raised his hand.

"Um...Professor?"

"Yes Mr. Macmillan?"

"How is the security of the castle?"

"Fine. Why do you ask?"

"Because today Lord Voldemort walked in and bought a candygram…"

**FLASHBACK**

_Hanna and Ernie were sitting at the candygram table, talking animatedly to one another, seeing as their prefect duties to sell candygrams was highly boring, but not as horrible as the fate upon whoever Dumbledore chose to pass them out. Hannah just began telling Ernie about her new color nailpolish when a deep, hissy voice said "Four candygrams please.…" Hannah, not turning her head grabbed four candygrams and slid them over to the voice. He slid four sickles back. Ernie snatched them up without hesitation. After a few moments, the voice asked 'How do you spell Dumbledore?'. Hannah turned around in a furious rage, not liking the fact that she got interrupted, and ended up staring into the face of all evil. Ernie followed her gaze until he too, was staring completely gobsmacked at the sight of Voldemort holding a candycane in one hand, and a quill in the other. After a few moments silence, Voldemort got bored._

_"Well? How do you spell it?" Hannah and Ernie didn't answer. "Fine then! I'll just have to spell it out! Dear D-U-M...B...L-U..D-O-O-R..." He trailed on until he finished writing small notes on the tags of all four candycanes before sliding them back across the table and leaving the two Hufflepuffs without so much as a backwards glance._

**END FLASHBACK**

Seamus, continuing the trend, raised his hand.

"Yes Mr. Finnigan?" Lupin sighed, growing bored of his student's endless questions.

"Sir, did you send any candygrams to Professor Snape?"

"As a matter of fact I did. Severus has always been kind to me so I thought it was time to return the favor."

"Hey, I sent him one too!" A Ravenclaw girl shouted from the back of the class.

"So did I!" Exclaimed Lavender Brown.

**FLASHBACK**

_The room to the Potion's classroom flew open, allowing Santa and the bookish elf to enter._

_"What do you want?" Snape grumbled from his desk._

_"Happy Christmas Professor Snape!" Hermione exclaimed._

_"Ho Ho Ho..." Draco groaned._

_"Well whatever you're here for, just get it over with then leave my class in peace." Snape stated plainly._

_"Fine then, don't get your knickers in a twist." Hermione said. She extracted a handful of candygrams from her velvet sac and began calling out the names. "To Professor Snape, from Mandy Brocklehurst!" Hermione exclaimed as she tossed it over to Snape. It landed in his cauldron. Draco grabbed a few candygrams from Hermione and began to read. "To Snape, Love Cindy! To Snape, Love Sue! To Snape, Love Kelsey! To Snape, Love Sasha! To Snape, Love Hank!" Draco tossed the candy at Snape who looked sincerely puzzled. Hermione extracted another bunch and continued to call out names._

_"To Snape, Love Heather! To Snape, Love Velvet! To Snape, Love Louise! To Snape, Love Martha! To My Dearest Little Love Dumpling Severus, Love Filch!" Hermione giggled as she tossed over the candy. Draco was about to extract another handful when Snape interrupted. _

_"Alright, enough already! Just how many candygrams did I get anyways?" Snape snapped. A bubbly blonde girl in the front row raised her hand quietly. Snape looked irritated but allowed her to speak. _

_"Um...I sent you five sir!" She squeaked._

_"I sent you two sir!" Another student piped up._

_"I sent you more than she did!" A red head said as she pointed to Pansy who had been quiet throughout this whole exchange. The chatter grew until Snape shouted for them all to shut up._

_"Be quiet you stupid little ingrates! Detention until you're my age!" Snape grumbled. "Look, why don't you just leave all of the ones for me to sort through later." Draco and Hermione stared at each other for a breif second before shrugging. They, together, grabbed the bag, walked up to the front of the class and dumped it's entire contents over the Potion Master's head. He was gobsmacked. Draco adverted his eyes to the pile when he saw a peculiar name. He picked up a candycane and read aloud..._

_"My Dear Severus, Think of this candycane as a token of my gratitude as to your excellent espionage work over the past years and managing to convince that fool Dumbledore and most of the Harry Potter fandom that you are good...Ha! Lots of Love, Voldie." Hermione, at hearing this almost choked. Draco looked strangely at the tag before tossing it idly back into the pile. He bent down and hugged Snape, who seemed, at this point, very disgruntled. "Happy Christmas Godfather!" He said with a smile before straightening back up to his full height. Pansy's mind clicked._

_"Godfather..." She mumbled under her breath. Then reality hit her. "DRACO!" She shrieked. Draco looked up and noticed Pansy._

_"Gotta run!" He exclaimed as he grabbed Hermione's arm and drug her out of the class, laughing like a maniac._

**END FLASHBACK**

This continued until the bell rang, so no other work was actually done. When the bell rang, Draco noted that Nott still possessed the quill that he had asked Draco to borrow.

"Come back with my quill Nott!" Draco called as he dashed out of the room. Pansy followed. Due to the blizzard that had now engulfed the interior of the school, Pansy donned a furry white robe, worthy of Cruella DeVille meets the White Witch of Narnia, complete with a stark white version of La Carlotta's handwarmer from The Phantom of the Opera. They stuck their head out of the DADA room door, and in the distance, they could see what appeared to be an unconscious Nott being drug off by Luna Lovegood. "Loony is kidnapping Nott!" Draco exclaimed.

"She can't do that! Only Slytherins are allowed to kidnap students! She's defying the unwritten rules of Slytherin house!" Pansy cried.

"Get her!" They yelled in unison. Draco and Pansy tore off after Luna, who was carrying him fireman style. They pursued her until she tossed Nott into one of the horse-drawn sleighs from the Chamber of Secrets and took off with him across the lake. Pansy and Draco hopped into another one. Pansy took the reins and reared the horses after Luna.

The two sleighs raced across the icy surface of the lake, both drivers trying to avoid students taking advantage of the blistering cold weather and ice-skating across the surface. The horses neighed and whinnied as their drivers urged them on. Students were diving out of the way! Blood was flying everywhere! Screams could be heard echoing out into the distance.

"Faster!" Luna cried as she cracked the reins.

"Faster!" Pansy hollered as she cracked a whip that magically appeared in her hand.

"How about slow down? I'm going to be sick!" Draco yelled from the back of the sleigh where he was cowering in fear.

Up ahead, Luna could tell that the horses were getting tired. Deciding that without losing some extra weight she wouldn't get away, she came to an abrupt halt. Hurriedly, she jumped out of the sleigh, tugged Nott with her and dropped a small white ferret onto his chest.

"Until we meet again my love." She whispered before hopping back in the sleigh and taking off into the horizon...

"Look!" Pansy yelled to Draco as she drew the sleigh to a stop. "There he is!" They jumped out and kneeled next to Nott.

"Why isn't he moving?" Draco asked as he looked at Nott's cold, lifeless body.

"He's fallen into eternal sleep!"

GASP!

"Oh. is that all?"

"Apparently." Draco looked down at Nott and noticed that he had his quill in his hand. He took it back and

slipped it into his pocket. "Thank you!"

"Oh, look!" Pansy exclaimed as she picked up the ferret. "Isn't he cute?"

"No! Pansy put him down this instant!"

"I think I'll call him Drakey!"

"You won't call him anything because I'm going to kill him!"

"You kill him, and I kill you Draco!" Draco gave a withering glance to his girlfriend before jumping back in the sleigh. "Hey, what are we going to do about Nott? we can't just leave him out here! He'll die!"

"No one would notice he was gone." Draco reasoned.

"I know! But he'll die! And I can't have that stress on my conscience; it will give me wrinkles!"

"Fine!" Draco gave in as he jumped out of the sleigh. He and Pansy hoisted Nott into the sleigh, Pansy, hiding

Drakey in her hood to make sure that Draco didn't kill him behind her back, and Draco, glaring at the ferret wondering if there was the possibility that he could get it alone, corner it, then kill it with all of his might, to be followed by maniacal laughter. Nott landed in the sleigh with a loud THUNK. They jumped in the sleigh and Draco reluctantly took the reins that Pansy pushed at him. She took Drakey out of her hood and stuffed him in the handwarming, petting his snow white head delicately while he blended in with the white fur.

* * *

_Dear Minerva,_

_I am resigning my post as Headmaster and handing it over to the ever brilliant and extremely attractive Lord Voldemort. All of Hogwarts is counting on me and you can tell the Order to resign too._

_All my love, Dumbludoor_

McGonagall sighed and tossed the candycane into a nearby waste bin.

"Every year..."

* * *

Merry Christmas readers! 


	22. Dramione

A/N: Okay, since we couldn't post Chapter 14 and 16 we decided to throw in a random chapter with no rule whatsoever.   
OOOOOOOOOOOOO   
Sally-Anne Perks squeezed herself in between Megan Jones and Susan Bones at the Hufflepuff table and began to help herself to some toast and kippers. 

"What's the latest news?" asked Megan, not referring at all to the contents of the Daily Prophet that had landed before them a few minutes before. 

"Oh, nothing…" Tutted Sally-Anne, the gossip queen. 

"Come on, Sal," Susan rolled her eyes, "There's something juicy swimming around that blonde head of yours." 

"Sally sighed, "You're right this is good," She applied liberal amounts of marmalade to her toast. "And this time you get it straight from the Horses mouth." 

"Spit it out!" Megan protested, "I'm dying!" 

"Okay, so I was just minding my own business in the West Wing when I heard a very interesting conversation…" The other girls hung off her every word, and Sally basks in it. 

"You know what happened last weekend The Three Broomsticks?" 

"How could we forget? Hermione Granger dropping the biggest bombshell of the social season!" blurted out Megan. 

"Her affair with the infamous Draco Malfoy!" Susan chortled. 

"The thing is, Malfoy and all the Slytherins deny it." Pointed out Megan. "As do all the Gryffindors." 

"Even though there are several eyewitness accounts of them together in Madam Puddifoot's." Said Susan. 

"But," put in Megan, "they just argued and ate, nothing else." 

"Then there was the candygrams," Susan said, "That was a little creepy." 

"What's even creepier is what they were doing in the West Wing!" Sally-Anne squealed.

"Oh my Merlin, WHAT?"

"Shagging like were-rabbits!" 

"No way!" 

"Yes way!"

"How do you know?" 

FLASHBACK 

_Sally-Anne pressed her ear to the door as she listened desperately to the conversation within._ _  
_  
_"Okay, you push this time!" Came the voice of the bookish Gryffindor._ _  
_  
_"No, you. I'm still hurting from last time!" The prince of Slytherin protested._ _  
_  
_"No need to be so whiny, I thought you being a big Quidditich star you could handle something as elementary as this."_ _  
_  
_"Fine, I'll push this time." A thumping noise, a few grunts and then a gasp followed this._ _  
_  
_"Don't push so hard!" The girl's voice shrieked. "You're going to break something!"_ _  
_  
_"Try to keep up, Mudblood."_ _  
_  
_"Shut up." Hermione retorted. "At least this one fits."_

  
END FLASKBACK 

"Oh my, there is no way!" Megan looked scandalized. 

"Please…." Sally-Anne told the brunette, "I know what I heard…" 

"ZOMG, guys," Hannah took a seat across from the three girls, "You won't believe it! Theodore Nott's fallen into Eternal Sleep™!"

"For how long?" asked Megan. 

"For 'Eternity', duh!" Said Susan. 

"Pansy and Malfoy him in the middle of the lake, the claim Lonny kidnapped him." Hannah informed them. 

"Speaking of Malfoy," said Megan, "Where is he?" 

Looking around and noting Hermione Granger's absence, Sally-Anne smirked. "I have a few ideas…" 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"That whore!" Pansy shrieked, causing Daphne Greengrass to flinch. "That twitchy little ill-bred WHORE!" Pansy stood on the leather couch and began to jump up an down, as if the black cushions were Granger's face. "I'm going to hex her back to her halfwit barbarian parents!" She stopped jumping and fixed her livid expression on Daphne. "Where?" 

"The we-we-we-west wing." 

"Who told you?" 

"Sally-Anne…madam...I mean Pansy." Stuttered the girl, "She says she _heard_ them." 

Pansy jumped over the back of the couch Matrix-style and stormed out of the common room. 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

"I want our date to be _perfect_." Hannah swooned as she filled Sally-Anne in on how she had planned the perfect romantic date for herself and Justin tomorrow night atop the astronomy tower. During her ramble Pansy strolled up to the two Hufflepuffs in the Charm's corridor, Daphne at her heels. 

"Is it true?" Pansy interrupted, cutting Hannah off. 

"What?" asked Sally. 

"About what you heard?" barked Pansy.

"The rumors are true, I heard it with my own ears." Sally smirked.

"Awww…poor Pansy can't hold on to her man? Left her for a know-it-all Mudblood." Hannah's last word hung in the air. 

Pansy fumed. "No one leaves me." She uttered in a low threatening voice before turning on her heel and marching off. 

"What are you going to do?" asked Daphne timidly when they returned to the common room. 

"Don't worry," she sneered. "I have the _perfect_" she mimicked Hannah's shrill voice "plan for Hannah Hufflepuff." 

"I mean about-" 

"I know, Draco…." 

"Did someone say my name?" Draco sauntered into the room. His black robes were crinkled and dusty, it also appeared that he had been sweating. 

"You!" Pansy lurched out of the arm chair she had been occupying and marched up to Draco. "I know what you did you sick bastard!" She shoved him in the chest. 

"What?" 

"Really? With a MUDBLOOD?" She yelled. "Where's your pride! You told me there was nothing going on between you two and I believed you! I'm such an IDIOT! A Mudblood! You disgust me! I can't believe you let her touch you! What happened to your morals!" She stopped to draw a breath and continued. "You're not a Malfoy, you're no better than a squib! I'll be surprised if you can even make sparks some out of your wand after being with her!" 

"McGonagall made me!" 

Pansy gasped. "EWWWWWW! No, Mr. Malfoy you can't just blame McGonagall for what you did!" 

"She just told us to, didn't even offer to help-" 

Pansy looked ill and a few first years screamed at the very thought "My eyes! The images!" 

"-or send anyone to help for that matter, just me and Granger. I won't be able to properly feel my legs for weeks!" 

Pansy screamed. 'DRACO MALFOY YOU ARE THE MOST LOATHSOME SICKENING REPULSIVE SHAMFUL REVOLTING MAN I'VE EVER MET!" She gasped. "I HOPE YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP—NO!—I HOPE THE DARK LORD HEARS OF THIS AND CRUCIOS YOUR ARSE INTO TOMORROW FOR THE SHAME YOU HAVE BROUGHT UPON US! She stopped to breathe and with one final "SHAME!" stormed off.

Draco was tired. "Whoa…what's eating her." 

OOOOOOOOOO 

"Umm…Hermione?" Harry and Ron took a seat on the sofa across from their friend. 

"Yes?" 

"Can we talk to you about something…." Ron proposed, timidly. 

"Sure."

"We know that you promised us that nothing was going on between you and Malfoy..." Harry trailed off. 

"…And that your outburst was due to the mounting stress of homework." Added Ron. 

"And Malfoy." Interjected Harry. 

"That made you go mental." Ron said. 

"The thing is we just want to know…"

"Yes?" asked Hermione, patiently. 

Harry turned to Ron, "You asked her…" 

"No you!" 

"You!" 

"No you!" 

"I'm not!" 

"Just ask her." 

"You ask her!" 

"No way!" 

Hermione sipped her tea as the boys argued. 

"Just ask her!"

"No way!" 

"Fine!" bellowed Ron, and he turned to Hermione, "Are you shagging Malfoy?" 

Harry and Ron immediately threw their arms up, shielding themselves from the wrath that would surely come. 

Hermione, who was is mid-gulp, promptly spit out her mouthful of tea in a rater comical manner and coughed a few times, her eyes wide in shock. 

"What?" She choked. 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"That Horrendous vile blamable villainous reproachful impudent bastard!" Pansy screeched as she paced the back and forth in her dormitory. Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis cowered behind Millicent Bulstrode who was reading up on hexes. 

"Oh debuted villain! Horrid rat! Carnal pig! Immoral Dog!" Pansy aimed a kick at a nearby dresser and smashed a few potion bottles (she never really liked them anyway). "And Granger, that dirty little harlot! I'm going to curse her so bad she'll be eating her food out of a straw for the rest of her life! Oh stupid bloody GRANGER!" 

"What's all this about, Granger?" Draco strolled in wearing a clean set of robes. 

"Of course," Pansy said in a soft voice that was positively a mirror of his Aunt Bellatrix's (Malfoy shuddered), a tone that was possibly more terrifying than her angry rant. "Your ear's just perk up at the sound of her name?" 

"Just stop playing games, woman, and tell me what's is it that's got you so bloody worked up?" 

"Don't pretend you have no idea, the whole school knows what's going on with you and Granger, and what you did in the west wing this morning!" 

At this point Millicent had conjured popcorn and was offering it to Tracey and Daphne. "This is getting good." She said. 

Draco defended himself. "We were just moving boxes-"

"Is that what they're calling it these days." 

"-And we should have used Alohamora but-" 

"Ewwww….." Pansy cowered her ears, "I don't need the details, thanks you!" 

"What's wrong? We were just putting away the boxes of Christmas decorations." 

"Oh…" chirped Pansy softly, putting the pieces together in her head. "So you weren't shagging?" 

"MERLIN, NO!" Draco looked aghast.

"But that's what everyone thinks!" 

"Wait!" Draco looked panicked, "The whole school thinks me and he-Granger are-are-are…" 

Everyone nodded. 

"Merlin's Beard!" Draco said. "I've got to find her…"

As he fled of to find Granger he just heard Pansy mutter "Right when I think I've got it figured out…" 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

Upon being informed of what the whole school was saying about them, both Hermione and Malfoy rushed off to find each other. Ron and Pansy followed. 

Upon crossing paths, unaware of their pursuers, Hermione grabbed Draco and pulled him into a nearby broom cupboard. 

Pansy scuttled over to the cupboard and pressed her ear against the door, but she was not alone, Ron had joined her.

"Shhhhhh!" he whispered, seeing the shocked look on her face. 

"Do you know what they're saying about us?" They heard Hermione probe Draco in the closet. 

"Yea, the whole school thinks I'm…I'm…I'm with a mudblood!" 

"We can't keep hiding this from everyone!" 

"Why don't we just quit!" The Slytherin suggested. "We can go back to sleeping in our dormitories, that Astronomy tower is freezing!" 

"What about Leslie?" 

"Who cares? All I know is that I refuse to tell anyone about this!" 

"I know Dumbledore put us in a very difficult position but we can't put up with these rumors much longer!" 

"We are NOT telling anybody, it would kill my reputation!" 

"What's worse, people thinking you and I are…together." Ron could picture the look of disgust on Hermione's face. "Or people finding out were the Heads?" 

"I'm going back to the tower, we'll talk in the morning!" 

"You better wear the robe!" 

"Quick!" muttered Ron and both he and Pansy dived for cover as the door opened. 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

Pansy rushed into the Slytherin common room where all the important Slytherins were conveniently gathered. 

"You lot won't believe what I just found out!" She spazzed. 

"What?" 

"Draco's HeadBoy…" Pansy informed them. 

"So? We knew that was inevitable…" 

"We'll, you won't believe who's HeadGirl…." 

"Who?" 

OOOOOOOOOOOO 

Ron bolted into the Gryffindor common room where all the important Gryffindors were conveniently gathered. He tripped over Neville and landed sprawled out on the couch. 

"You lot won't believe what I just found out!" He yelled. 

"What?" 

"Hermione's HeadGirl…" Ron bellowed. 

"Well DUH!" 

"That's not it!" said Ron. "You won't believe who's HeadBoy…" 

"Who?" 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"GRANGER?" 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"MALFOY?" 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"Oh no! What are we going to do?" 

"I only see one way to get her out…" Ron said, bravely, his natural Gryffindor rashness kicking in. 

"What?"

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"Oh no! What are we going to do?" 

"I only see one way to get him out…" Pansy said, her eyes glinting maliciously. 

"What?"

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"Rescue mission." Ron said proudly. 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

"Rescue mission." Pansy stated smirking. 

OOOOOOOOOOO 

A/N: Oh the suspense. What will the Slytherins and Gryffindors do? Will Hermione tell the school what's going on? And who is Leslie?


	23. Dracula: The Beginning

**A/N: A filler chapter sort of, a 3 part chapter to be written in different chapters, part 3 a rule will be broken. Charcacters that are vampires + a few humans are from Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.**

_

* * *

_

"_My loyalist of followers," He announced, "Today I shall share with you my latest plans for world domination." _

_The crowd 'oooed' and 'ahhhhed'._

"_In order to expand my evil army I have decided to recruit vampires."_

"_But we already have Snape…" Someone stated._

"_Crucio."_

_Screams of terror_

"_Crucio off." Voldemort lifted his wand. "As I was saying, together with an associate of mine, I have discovered a coven of vampires. While most covens prefer to travel away from humans, this large group of seven have steeled in the Washington peninsula. I have no doubt that with this plot we will be able to make them join us." _

The vampires Edward Cullen, Alice Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale, and Isabella Swan (who was not a vampire herself but was dating the vampire by the name of Edward, who also wishes to be called Bella) were walking towards the cafeteria after a long morning of classes at Forks High School.

Vampires going to high school? Sound ludicrous? If these were any other vampires it would because the whole needing to drink human blood thing and all, but these were no ordinary vampires. Oh no. These vampires were vegetarians. Instead of giving into the call of human blood, they opted to drinking the blood of animals instead of killing innocent people.

Anyways, they got into the cafeteria, but instead of being met with the blank white wall, on the opposite side of the room was a huge banner broadcasting a casting call for young actors and actresses for this years school play, _Dracula._

The vampires' faces paled considerably from there already pallid complexions at seeing it.

"_My associate and I have concocted a plan involving a dramatization of Bram Stoker's novel, Dracula, in order for them to come out in the open." Voldemort smirked._

Rosalie, being the most hysterical of them all opened her mouth, drawing in a deep breath she didn't need, to prepare herself to howl in horror.

Emmett, her spouse, noticing this decided to put a stop to it before it could begin.

"She's going to blow! Get her out of here! Now!" Emmett said in a voice only loud enough for his brothers' and sisters' to hear with their ultra sensitive vampire hearing.

They formed a circle around Emmett and Rosalie, Edward making sure Bella heard the plan, before Emmett clasped a hand tightly over her mouth hand pinned her arms to her sides. Slowly, they worked their way back out of the cafeteria. As soon others they were a good distance away from the building, Rosalie was released and she let out an ear-splitting shriek.

"They're onto us!" She exclaimed, panic-stricken.

"_That's genius, My Lord."_

"_Yes, we have no doubt that it will work. Once exposed by those muggles, they will have no choice but to join us." The Dark Lord looked satisfied with himself. "Muhaha…Muhahahahahaha!"_

"Rosalie, Rosalie, don't panic!" Emmett said as he pulled her close, trying to calm her.

"How can I not panic Emmett! They're onto us! This is obviously their way of smoking us out!"

"Calm down Rosalie, perhaps it's just a coincidence." Edward said, joining in the task of trying to placate his sister.

"No! Isn't it obvious what we have to do? We have to leave again!"

"Rose, chill okay," Alice began, "If anything bad is going to happen I'll see it…" Alice, of course, was referring to her power to get visions of the future.

Rosalie just clenched her teeth, and before she could retort, Bella spoke up.

"Rosalie? I know you don't like me that much and probably won't think much of my opinion, but I really wish you would stay here. I mean, there has to be someway to get around this! I honestly don't think that someone went through all the trouble of setting up a play just to expose a couple of teenage vampires."

"Technically, we're all well over our teenage years Bella," Emmett jested.

Bella groaned.

Rosalie took one last look at her siblings, and Bella before yelling "Alaska, here I come!" She turned around and ran at vampire speed towards the woods surrounding the school.

"Not this again! Last time it was Edward who ran off to Alaska without a set date for return and now Rosalie! What is with you people and running away from your problems?" Jasper stormed.

"I wouldn't be one to talk Jazz, wasn't it just last week that you ran away from the house because Esme told you to clean our room?" Alice asked, elbowing him in the side.

"Maybe… But at least I was back within an hour! Who knows how long she'll be gone?"

As if by magic, Rosalie ran back out of he forest and rejoined the group.

"Well, that was quick." Edward muttered.

"Actually I'm just here to get Emmett." She replied.

"What? Why?"

"You're coming with me whether you like it or not… Besides I need your help packing."

Without another word she grabbed Emmett by the arm and they were out of sight again.

"Great! Just great! Now what do we do?" Alice stomped up and down in frustration.

"Isn't it obvious?" Edward asked, as he looked around at Bella, Alice, and Jasper, "There's only one thing we can do…"

"Which would be…" Bella prompted.

"We audition for the play." Edward said as if it were obvious.

"Oh! You mean like in _Interview With The Vampire _where the _Theatre Des Vampires _were vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires?" Alice chirped.

"Yeah, I guess so." Edward said.

"How Avante Gaurde!"

"You watch way too many movies Alice…" Jasper said referring to he hobby of watching every vampire movie ever made for her own amusement, laughing at Hollywood's poor attempts.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and led her back to the cafeteria, with Edward and Bella in tow, in a similar position.

"_Once the seven have joined me, led by Dr. Carlisle Cullen will work to recruit more vampires and other dark creatures; building an evil army to the point of invincibility. Soon, my minions, we will be unstoppable!"_

"Rosalie! Stop the madness!" Emmett's scream emanated through the house and down to the front room was where Alice, Jasper, Bella, and Edward currently took up residence, staring up at the massive pile of boxes stacked up to almost the ceiling.

"Oh…" Bella began.

"My…" Jasper continued.

"Carlisle!" Alice cried out seeing her 'father' (and coven leader) step inside of the door behind them.

"What is going on here?" He asked as he stared up at the boxes, almost touching the chandelier.

"My guess would be Rosalie." Edward said plainly.

"Rosalie? Why would she do this?" Carlisle asked in bewilderment.

"Because she's convinced that the mortals are trying to smoke us out and make us reveal our identities." Jasper commented.

"And _this _is how she retaliates?"

"Rosalie! Don't pack my stuff! I'm not going with you!" Emmett yelled as he came into view at the top of the stairs, trying to grab a box labeled 'Emmett's 1980's Sneakers' from her strong grip.

"Of course you are!" She said as she swiftly side-stepped him and made her way down the stairs and started a new pile, "There is no way I'm going to Alaska alone! Besides, everyone else is coming!"

"No were are not!" Edward exclaimed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"But they know about us!" Rosalie protested.

"No, they don't! Just because the school's play this year is _Dracula_, it doesn't mean they know!"

"Of course it does!"

"Rosalie, just calm down for a moment." Carlisle soothed, "You have no evidence if they know-"

"And I'll be damned if you put me through what Edward did through his rebellion stage again!" Esme cut in as she entered the room from the parlor.

"Mom! I already said sorry for that!"

"I know Edward, but sometimes I'm just afraid to lose you, that's all."

"Anyways, topic aside, Rosalie, you don't need to go to Alaska to escape this!" Alice almost pleaded as she put on her puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah Rosalie," Jasper inserted, "Edward, Alice, Bella, and I have decided to audition. It may be our only way around it."

"Not a bad plan." Carlisle inserted, "Esme and I could join on as parent helpers to make sure that nothing goes wrong…"

"How can you let them go through with this?" Rosalie shrieked. "We're about to be exposed and you're not going to do anything to stop them?"

"You can still go to Alaska Rosalie, even though it would break my heart to see you leave." Esme comforted.

"Yeah, and you can take Emmett with you!" Jasper exclaimed.

"Trying to get rid of me bro?" Emmett jested as he punched Jasper in the arm.

Jasper just laughed.

"So what's it going to be Rosalie," Bella spoke for the first time in a while, "Are you in?"

Rosalie pouted fro a minute before spouting, "Fine, I'm in…"

* * *

TBC


	24. Hall Of Over Done Plot Devices

**A/N: This is going on during Dracula. Hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

The Room of Requirement had nothing on it.

For the Room of Requirement, though impressive, is only a plot device itself which can be rehashed and molded over and over again but is, itself, simply one plot point.

This room however was open to fanfic writers whenever they pleased to wander in and examine the items on its shelf when they were at a loss at what to write. Yes this room was said to be the cure for any amateur fanfic author's writer's block.

If you were to step into the rotating room of the Department of Ministries, you could pass the fabled Love Room, the trashed Time Room and the infamous Death Room and find the Hall Of Over Used Plot Devices; a room full of the items and plot bunnies the ministry had tried, and failed, to keep from the clutches of desperate generic writers.

You could stumble as you enter the first circular room of the D.O.M, attempting to remain vertical despite the rotating floor, all the time cursing yourself for thinking it a good idea to start the day with Firewhiskey. Then after trying several doors (including the palpable on-coming train) you can claw open the door to the haven of lost writers, and there you would spot one Pansy Parkinson and her friend Blaise Zabini searching for a cure for they're friend.

"A shower curtain!" Pansy raised the green and red confection to show Blaise. "Why do we need that?"

"It's on the list." He responded

"What list?"

"The list Aspen gave you."

"Don't forget the carpet." She pointed it out on the list.

"Crabbe and Goyle loaded it into the car."

"Why would they need carpeting?" She asked, referring to the writer's of this list.

"Who knows?" Blaise said. "And since when do we have a car?"

"You mean the yellow Porsche?"

"Yeah…"

"It was on the list…" Pansy explained.

"I'm not even going to ask."

"I think that's it," Pansy checked the list in Blaise's hand.

"Wait?" Blaise protested. "What's that at the bottom?"

"Something to wake up Nott…" Pansy read.

"No frigging way! They're making us figure it out?"

"We have the laziest authors ever. Besides, didn't that coot Dumbledore send him somewhere to wake him up?"

"Yeah, but it's not guaranteed that the hospital they sent him to will be able to help him. I mean, St. Mungo's couldn't even wake him."

"Those fools at St. Mungo's don't know a blast ended skrewt from a puffskein." Pansy muttered.

"I still can't believe that they are making us find the stupid antidote. Pete's going to love this…" Blaise muttered, as he turned to label a collection of Jewelry displayed under a sigh saying "Cursed and Healing Jewels" obviously this plot device was a game of Russian roulette.

"Who's Pete?"

"My OC friend from an adventure fic, his author would never do this…"

"So what are we going to use…" She eyed the collection of objects before her.

"You're seriously considering waking him up?"

"Why not?"

"Because he's in eternal sleep." Explained Blaise.

"No…not another pun! It's so cheesy."

"It's getting old too, I mean, even the title can be interrupted as a pun."

"Merlin…" Pansy turned and examined a collection of mirrors. "What about a mirror?" The Room held everything from compacts to a full-length one with an antique silver wrought frame.

"To cliché, we'd probably end up sending him to another dimension…" He studied an emerald encrusted compact. "Or maybe just a flawless even complexion."

"Ooooo…me wants." Pansy snatched up the compact.

"That's not on the list."

"Shut up, it's in character."

"What about a potion then?" He indicated to the freezer stuffed with a selection of exotic potions and fizzy drinks.

"Hmmm…" After carefully placing the heavy compact in her bag, she wandered over to the freezer and began to examine the potion's labels through the glass of the door. "Body switching potions…"

"Already got it…it's for chapter forty-six or something."

"They have it written already? I hope I'm not involved in that."

"What about a Disney potion? There's Poison Apple Elixir…Happily Ever After Potion…"

"That's not Disney, it's DreamWorks…and Nott's not an Ogre voiced by Mike Myers."

"No, but he is the ass."

Pansy chuckled, "Sleeping Beauty Serum?"

"He's already asleep! We don't need to put him to sleep; we need to take him out of it."

"Wow, someone's motivated."

"Hey, you saved his sorry arse twice, if I'm not mistaken."

"So you can take this one then."

"What? No! Nuh-uh, don't twist my words..."

"Then pick one!" Blaise turned and picked a tube off a nearby shelf of beauty cosmetics and proudly handed it to Pansy.

"No."

"Come on."

"No." Pansy tossed the tube of Wake Me Up When September Ends Lip Gloss back onto the shelf. "You can kiss him, I'm not; besides, it's not September."

"No…Theodore is Nott, you are not Nott, you are the one who is going to kiss Nott."

"Not doing it."

"No Nott's asleep he isn't doing anything."

"Stop with the puns!" Pansy covered her ears. "We should just call him Theo."

"No we are not-"

"No, Nott is Nott. Ha! Got you!"

"Give it up already!" Blaise exclaimed as he threw his free hand in the air, currently holding their supplies in the other one. "I already gave you various suggestions and you didn't like any of them. I give up! You choose the antidote!"

"Fine! I will!" She cried as stomped her way over to the other side of the room. Blaise shrugged her off and went about finding something to carry their supplies in since Crabbe and Goyle had not come back with his satchel.

He scoured around his side of the room, trying to find something sufficient enough to carry around numerous odd shaped items. After chucking aside such things as Santa's sac, a self organizing suitcase, and Glad Force Flex Rubbish Bags, he came across a black tote. It looked ordinary enough and it wouldn't attract any unwanted attention to them. He opened it and started piling the plots into it. As they hit the bottom, they magically disappeared.

"Cool." Blaise chirped as he placed the rest of the items inside.

Upon finishing his task he strutted over to where Pansy was roaming around with an armload of everything from potions, to jewelry, to make-up, to food, to an empty jar.

"What is this?" Blaise asked as he took it out of her arms and examined the jar filled with air.

"It's a possibility to get Nott out of eternal sleep."

"But what is it exactly?"

"It's invisible."

"What's invisible?" Blaise asked, getting annoyed.

"If I told you then I'd have to kill you." Pansy replied nonchalantly as she dropped the contents in her arms into the tote.

Blaise groaned.

"What is this thing? I can't see any of our stuff…" Pansy trailed off as she looked inside the bag.

"I don't know exactly, but obviously, the author's do."

"I bet they expect us to figure out everything."

"Come on, we have to get back before Midnight."

"Why midnight?"

"It sounds dramatic"

"So is there anything in here you are going to use to torture Hannah?"

"Oh, I've taken care of that."

"You have?"

"Yep, just needed a little spell I cooked up."

"What kind of spell?"

"Advance transfiguration."

"Oh, what did you turn her into?"

"Tazmainian devil."

"Why?"

"Nott suggested it."

"What?"

"He was raambling about a were-thylacine."

"I see."

"Come on, let's get out of here before someone catches us." Pansy said as she pushed Blaise out the door, towards the yellow porsche that awaited for their departure.


	25. Dracula: Reloaded

Rehearsals had been underway for the past few months and each actor was progressing at their own pace. Edward was a flawless Dracula and the director marveled at his unnatural talent and uncanny insight in to his role. Mike, on the other hand, was having trouble with not making Jonathon Harker's turmoil seem cheesy. Bella was charming enough although trouble occurred when it came to Mina having to move. The most amazing though, was Tyler Crowly. His inequitable passion for his character, Dr. Van Helsing, was overwhelming.

Rosalie, plan A having failed, moved onto plan B, which involved joining the hair and make-up crew and attempting to keep her siblings' secret by lurking around the wings, and in the audience at practice.

Jasper, having taken on the role of the psychotic Reinfeild, was stunned to realize that his power, being able to calm a room and other volumes of empathy, was fading fast and being replaced with the sniffles.

"_The time has come, my loyal servants, to make sure the plan is working." Voldemort ordered as he gazed out into the crowd of his followers._

"_Yes, m'lord." They all chorused._

"_Mr. Director knows you are coming. However, you cannot just walk right into the muggle world looking like you're going to storm the place, so I have devised another plan. Wormtail, if you would please hand out the disguises." Voldemort snapped his fingers and Wormtail scuttled off, returning moments later with an arm full of tan jumpers._

"_What in bloody hell are these?" Crabbe muttered as he took the tattered suit he was passed._

"_Urgh! It smells like flowers!" Goyle exclaimed after sniffing the suit._

"_Nuh-uh, no way am I wearing that thing!" Draco cried as he backed away from the garment._

"_Draco, listen to your master." Lucius whispered in his ear._

"_No worries Malfoy, I can assure you." Voldemort said as he grinned an evil grin. "I have something special in mind for you."_

"_And me m'lord?" Bellatrix asked once Wormtail had finished handing out all of the suits, failing to give her one._

"_Bella dear, you will most definitely look stunning in your under-cover gear." Voldemort reassured her before letting out an evil laugh._

* * *

"Why is my dresser on the stage?" Emmett asked as he walked through the doors to the auditorium.

"Isn't that Carlisle's chandelier from the original production of _Phantom of the Opera_?" Jasper questioned as he stared up at the giant lighting device suspended from the catwalks.

"Oh my god! My couch!" Edward exclaimed as he finally made it through the door, only to see his trademark, black leather couch perched in the center of the stage.

Suddenly, there was a short giggle in Edward's head.

"Alice, if you had anything to do with this I swear I'll rip you to shreds then burn you to ashes!" He screamed dramatically as he fell to his knees.

"Why did we ever think it was smart to let Alice join the props crew? I mean, Rosalie and the hair and make-up team makes perfect sense, and Esme on costumes, but Alice on props? It was a disaster waiting to happen!" Jasper explained to his brothers.

Mr. Director came up behind Edward who was still on the floor mumbling under his breath, and tapped him on the shoulder.

Edward snapped his head around to glare at him before shouting "What do you want? I'm ranting!"

"Why Edward, you look so pale. You should go out in the sun more often."

Edward just stared at him. This guy was whack!

No one had quite gotten used to Mr. Director's random comments (no one really knew his name so they just called him Mr. Director), since he has only been there for several months after the former Drama teacher, Mr. Pratt, had died under suspicious circumstances. Foul play may have been a factor, but the police refuse to comment.

"He's paling himself down for his character…" The ever helpful (cough cough) Rosalie quipped.

Ignoring the blonde's comment, he turned to her with a maniacal glint in his eyes.

"Why Rosalie! You're looking _supernaturally_ lovely today!" Mr. Director exclaimed.

"Umm, thanks…new eyeliner…" She replied unsurely.

This guy was up to something…

Turning back to his former victim of twenty weird comments, he yelled "Edward!"

"What?" Edward shouted right back as he jumped up and spun around to face the aggravating man.

"Quick! What number am I thinking of?"

_4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4_ Edward heard in his mind from reading the Director's thoughts with his vampire gift.

"Five." Edward spat knowing that he shouldn't get the right one.

"Four." Mr. Director said sulkily.

"I was close…" Edward shrugged and went back to ranting about his couch and how he was going to kill Alice once he was back at home.

Seemingly thinking about Alice also, Mr. Director ran over to the pixie-like vampire who was running around, passing people out their personal props.

"Alice! Would you help me with something?" Mr. Director said in a sickly sweet voice.

Alice dropped the stuff she was carrying then turned to face the man, who for some reason, always wore a black fedora.

"What do you need Mr. D?" She asked exuberantly.

"I need you to pick me some winning lotto numbers…"

Alice chewed on her bottom lip for a minute before speaking.

"4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."

"Aren't they cursed?"

"Maybe…but how should I know?" Alice asked innocently before bouncing away.

Feeling very disappointed at his results so far, Mr. Director looked around for his next victim. He moved over to the stage where Emmett was lounging on the bed being used for the asylum scene.

"Emmett, my good man! Would you mind moving that bed down to the biology lab?"

"Why does the biology lab need a bed?" Emmett asked suspiciously.

"I'm not sure, but Mr. Banner told me that they needed one so I decided to lend him this one."

"Alright… Who's helping me?"

"No one."

"What do you mean? You can't expect me to lift this myself!"

"I thought you looked like you've been working out a little…"

"Even if I had been I'm not strong enough to lift a bed by myself."

"It was worth a shot…" Mr. Director sighed as he ambled away from the strongest sibling, who in the privacy of his family could lift a car over his head with one hand.

He had only one more chance. Surely he could make Jasper crack. He looked around furiously for the last vampire but he was nowhere in sight.

"Hmm… Where could he be?" Mr. Director mused to himself. "Has anyone seen Jasper?" He yelled.

"I'm right here Mr. Director!" Jasper called as he and Emmett walked through the door.

"Where were you two?"

"Taking the bed to the biology lab." Emmett quipped.

"But I thought you said you couldn't…"

"I said I couldn't do it by myself… I got Jasper to help me."

"But how did you do it so fast? I was just talking to you less than a minute ago!" Mr. Director exclaimed, thinking that his plan was finally working out.

"We ran." Emmett shrugged, as if it was the most logical explanation and headed back stage.

Mr. Director stared after him in aggravation.

"You wanted to speak to me?" Jasper prompted as Mr. Director turned his gaze back to him.

"Yes actually, I was wondering if you would mind calming Jessica and Lauren down, they seem to have gotten into a heated cat fight near the props cupboa-" He was cut off by Jasper sending out a loud sneeze, followed by sniffling. "Oh, never mind, you're no help to me with the sniffles!" Mr. Director cried out in anger as he stomped away.

"What does he mean I'm no help? I can too calm people, although I'm not too sure how he sensed that…" Jasper mumbled as he walked over to Jessica and Lauren in the corner.

The two girls were screaming at each other and occasionally trying to slap the other across the face, while Angela, who was playing their counterpart as Dracula's third vampire bride, was standing off to the side, looking at them skittishly.

Ignoring their show, Jasper moved in and placed his hand on Jessica's shoulder which caused her to stop arguing, and turn to glare at him.

"What are you doing?" She questioned confusedly.

"Are you calm now?" Jasper asked serenely as he ignored her question.

"No. I'm pissed."

"That's not right!" Jasper exclaimed as he turned to place a hand on Lauren. "How about you? Are you calm yet?"

"No. Stop touching me, you're contagious!" Lauren yelled as she yanked herself out of Jasper's grasp.

"No! It's impossible!" Jasper shouted as he ran over to Mike who was studying his script. "Are you calm?" Jasper asked desperately as he slapped a hand down on Mike's arm.

"Huh?" Mike replied brilliantly.

"Gah!" Jasper screamed as he continued this with other various cast members, including his brothers and sisters.

"What's wrong Jazz?" Alice asked worriedly as he finally reached her.

"My power! It's not working!"

"What do you mean it's not working?"

"I don't know!" Jasper yelled as he turned and began jogging, human-pace, to the door.

"Where are you going?" Alice called after him.

"I'm going to talk to Carlisle! Get them to recast my part!"

"Why?"

"I won't be back for awhile! Maybe a week or so!"

Mr. Director threw an arm around Mike's shoulder, avoiding the fact that one of his students just fled the building at an alarming speed.

"You seem to be taking the fact that you didn't get the role as Dracula very well Mike. I'm proud of you for not letting that little fact get in the way of your friendship with Mr. Cullen."

Mike raised an eyebrow but decided not to argue. After all, Mr. Director could give him a detention.

"Well, you know it's not all that bad playing Jonathon Harker. Besides, I never really wanted to play Dracula that much anyways."

"Oh? And why is that Mike? Do you not feel that you have enough star power to take on the leading role?"

"Star power? Oh come on, you can't deny that Edward has the face that launched a thousand endorsement deals. I only wanted to play Dracula because his name was in the title, but after I read the script, I found out that Jonathon Harker was an alright guy. Besides, vampires never get the girl."

"What?" Edward stormed over to them, immediately joining in on the conversation. "What do you mean vampires can't get the girl?"

"It's a well known fact that the hero always gets girl, never the creature of the night, or the monsters under the bed, or the fire breathing dragon. God, don't you ever watch Disney?" Mike elaborated.

"Well Dracula isn't Disney and if you haven't realized, Lucy has three guys going after her, and who does she end up with? That's right, Dracula!" Edward exclaimed, pointing at Mike in triumph.

"But Mina doesn't end up with you."

"Yes she does."

"What are you talking about? She's my wife!"

"She's too young to be married! Trust me, I already asked her."

"What do you mean you already asked her? You were probably stalking around in the woods looking for your next meal. You didn't have time to ask her!"

"On the contrary my dear friend, I have eternity!"

"So? She still ends up with me."

"Let's ask her, shall we? Hey Bella!" Edward called across the room to Bella. "Would you mind coming over here for a minute?"

Bella slowly hobbled over to them, trying desperately not to trip over her skirts.

"Yes?" She asked upon her arrival.

"Bella," Edward began. "Who do you end up with romantically?"

Bella looked between the two in confusion for a moment.

"Edward, I'm with you, we all know that."

"What?" Mike cried. "This isn't right! You're my wife! Mine!"

"Mike, I'm to young to be married. Besides, Edward already asked me and I turned him down because of that fact, not to mention Charlie and Renee would take my head off if I got married this young. What makes you think that you stand a chance?"

"The fact that it's _in the script_!"

"Script? What are you talking about?"

"That you're my wife!"

"You're delusional." Bella muttered as she walked back over to where Esme was waiting on stage with a box of pins, wanting to finish hemming her dress.

"You see Newton? I told you that vampires can get the girl." Edward grinned.

"You're not a vampire Cullen! You're just playing one!"

"We'll see about that." Edward mumbled as he walked over to Bella and Esme, knowing that he would probably need to be used as a balance for his girlfriend while his 'mother' worked on her costume.

When he reached center stage, a huge sandbag fell from the rafters. Edward took no notice and kept on walking as it hit an 'x' on the floor that was marked with red tape. Jessica, who was currently going up on stage to the wings to get her make-up done, stopped dead in her tracks upon seeing the 'x'.

"Stand here." She read aloud. "Okay." She stood on the 'x' just in time for the sandbag to hit her on the head, knocking her out.

Turmoil and Chaos.

"Someone call an ambulance!" Angela called. Tyler whipped out his cell phone and dialed 911 while Emmett carried her down to the nurse's office, offering to wait with her until the ambulance arrived, much to Rosalie's dismay.

* * *

"_I am not wearing this!" Draco cried as he wrestled with his aunt, attempting to get out of her grasp._

"_Yes, you are!" Bellatrix cried as she thrust a duck's head into his hand._

"_You're joking! Yellow is so not my color!" Draco blanched as he looked down at the fluffy yellow suit he was forced into._

"_So? If I have to go through with this, so do you!"_

"_At least you get to wear somewhat normal robes," Draco said, gesturing to her black form-fitting suit, "I'm a duck! Seriously, what school has a bloody duck as a mascot?"_

"_One that is in a place where it rains every single day."_

"_Well, I won't stand for it I tell you!"_

"_Yes you will."_

"_How about we trade? You be the duck and I'll be the hot teacher!"_

"_You don't have the legs for this skirt." Bellatrix smiled as she picked up the mascot head and popped it onto Draco's head. "I so need a picture of this…"_

* * *

Squeak! Squeak!

Rosalie turned her head to see a janitor rolling his cleaning cart up to her. He didn't look like any janitor she had ever seen at Forks High before, with his long white-blonde hair, grey eyes, and angular features.

"Hello, Miss. Hale. My name is Suicul Yoflam, would you by any chance be a vampire?" The janitor asked casually.

Rosalie just stared in horror.

"Miss. Hale?"

"How do you know my name?"

"I…er…"

"Ahhhhhhh!" Rosalie screamed as she bolted away.

She was almost at the door when Alice grabbed her and pulled her behind on of the long velvet curtains lining the walls.

"Rosalie, what's wrong?"

"He knows!" Rosalie shrieked before Alice could shush her.

"Who knows what?" Alice whispered.

"Our secret! Suicul Yoflam knows our secret!"

"Who on earth is Suicul Yoflam?"

"The creepy, but pretty, janitor who was talking to me."

Alice poked her head out from behind the curtain and saw a janitor trying to engage in a conversation with Edward.

"Isn't that the guy you have a crush on? You know, Draco Malfoy?" Alice asked as she poked her head back in.

"God no! Draco is like, so much younger and prettier than that! Eww!"

"Just a thought."

"Either way he knows our secret because he asked me if I was a vampire!"

"He could have just been talking about one of Dracula's brides. We are doing a play about vampires after all." Alice reasoned.

"No. I'm sure he knows."

"Then we're going to have to keep a close eyes on him."

"I'll tell Edward and then I'll scoot down to the nurses office to warn Emmett."

"I thought you were supposed to be taking pictures of the cast." Alice gestured to the camera in Rosalie's hand.

"I am, but this is more important. I'll take the pictures as soon as I get back."

"Alright. I'll call Jasper and Carlisle. You tell Esme." Alice concluded as she left their hiding place.

"By the way Alice," Rosalie began as she stepped out from behind the curtain.

"Yeah?"

"Draco is a fictional character!" Rosalie screamed as she headed for the stage.

"Alice ignored her sister's comment about the said Harry Potter character and took out her phone. She had work to do.

Over in the far corner of the auditorium, Lucius Malfoy pulled a walkie talkie out of his cleaning cart and turned it to channel 8.

"Hello? Yoflam to everyone, is everyone there?"

"Yoflam two here."

"Egnartsel here."

"Elyog here."

"Ebbarc here."

"Good." Lucius continued. "Take note that the pretty blonde one is on to us and is notifying the others. Play it cool and play it safe. Oh, and if you're going to come out directly and ask if someone is a vampire, ask a boy; the girl's get hysterical."


	26. Dracula: The Final Stand

**A/N: The final part of Dracula then we're back to the rules.**

**Rule #22: I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.**

* * *

"Quack! Quack!" The fluffy yellow duck circled Emmett like a vulture. 

Ever since the occurrence in the theater a few days ago, people such as janitors, an extremely hot teacher, and the mascot had been keeping close tabs on the Cullens and Hales. Much to Edward's relief, they all seemed to be staying clear of Bella. There was something odd about them all, especially the head janitor, but he just couldn't seem to put his finger on it. The fact that they all seemed to be thinking about a certain kid with a blurry face and what appeared to be messy black hair around the clock, didn't help him either.

"Quack! Vampire! Quack!"

"What did he just say?" Rosalie whispered at Emmet's side in an instant, staring wide eyed at the Forks High mascot.

"Quack! Vampire! Oooh, pretty vampire… Quack!" The mascot continued as he came to a stop in front of Rosalie, his beak getting ever closer to her face.

"Emmett!" She shrieked, jumping behind him.

"Hey, back off ducky." Emmett said as he pushed back the mascot a little.

"Quack! Vampire!" In a flourish, a thin wooden stick was pointed in Emmet's face, held steady by the duck's wing. "Cruc-" He began but stopped mid-sentence when Emmett reached out and took the stick into his own hand. After examining it for a minute, he snapped it in two and tossed it in a nearby trash can before flinging his arm around his girlfriend's shoulders and strode off to the other end of the cafeteria.

"My wand…" The Mascot trailed off before throwing a fit. "My wand! Quack! Stupid evil vampire! Quack!"

"Um, dude?" Tyler Crowley tapped the duck's shoulder, causing him to turn around to face him.

"Quack?"

"The other Cullen is paying the vampire, not Emmett."

"Quack."

* * *

"So I'm really getting into my character." Tyler bragged as he ignored the fact that Ben Cheney was currently being smashed into the classroom wall by Mrs. Egnartsel who was the new teacher of the new mandatory self-defense class. 

"Really?" Mike asked, not really interested in anything other than Bella laughing at something Edward had just said.

"Yeah. I went over to the Cullens Saturday morning and-"

"Hold up." Eric Yorkie threw his hands in the air. "_You _were inside the Cullens?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, since I'm playing Dr. Van Helsing, I decided to get some advice from a real doctor."

"Dr. Cullen." Eric clarified.

"Yes." Tyler continued.

"But Dr. Cullen doesn't chase vampires." Mike pointed out, rejoining the conversation with a minimal attention span.

"Either way, he seemed to have some pretty good advice." Tyler smirked at the memory…

"_Hi." Tyler said as the door to the big white house opened._

"_Hi." Carlisle replied, somewhat confused as to why this random teenager was knocking on his door at seven o'clock on a Saturday._

"_Hi, I'm here doing research for the school play." Tyler began._

"_Uh-huh" Carlisle nodded._

"_I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time to ask you a few questions?"_

"_Sure." Carlisle smiled as he led Tyler inside._

"_You see I'm playing a Doctor."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_And you're a Doctor."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_So I thought you might be able to give me some insight into my character."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_Great!" Tyler exclaimed._

"_Who is your character?"_

"_Dr. Van Helsing."_

_Carlisle hid a smirk with his coffee cup._

"_So…how long have you been a Doctor?"_

"_Oh…medical school seems like yesterday."_

"_My mother's a nurse, she says you are gifted, you handle a scalpel like you've been doing this all your life."_

"_She does?"_

"_Yes." Tyler answered as the immortal led him into his office. "Nice crib."_

"_Thanks."_

"_You collect art."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_Do all Doctors collect art?"_

"_Some."_

"_This guy looks like you."_

"_We're related." Carlisle supplied as he looked at the painting of himself, complete in the early 1870's. _

"_My Dad's a shrink, he says that we are all extremely vain and are most attracted to those who resemble ourselves." Tyler continued absently._

"_Uh-huh."_

"_So doctors know stuff about the supernatural."_

"_Some."_

"_Do you?"_

"_Yes."_

"_So you know some things about vampires."_

"_A bit." Carlisle sighed. "It's a mandatory course in med school."_

"_So you can kill one."_

"_Uh-huh." _

"_How? Do you put a stake in his heart and cut off his head?"_

"_Yes. Don't forget the garlic in the mouth."_

"_Oh, yeah, can't be too careful with the undead, they're tricky. So how about the sun, like in Interview with a Vampire?" Tyler inquired._

"_When Claudia died?" Carlisle said, remembering how Alice made them all sit through it and called them heartless after they didn't grieve after the little girl's death. "Oh, yes, sunlight burns their skin."_

"_So during the day they sleep in coffins."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_And they hate Garlic?"_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_And silver."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_And Holy Water."_

"_Yep."_

"_And crucifixes."_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_Like the one in the hall?" Tyler asked, referring to the ancient wooden cross hanging in the hall outside. _

"_The bigger the better."_

"_So you think the cross will keep vampires away from this house."_

"_I've always been a superstitious man."_

_Tyler's cell phone rang. "Excuse me, I have to take this." He said in a business like tone after glancing at the display as if he was a drug lord waiting to close a multi-million deal in South American cocaine. He spoke into the phone. "Mom, what is it? Uh-huh…..Dad put the cat out…no…yes we have enough milk….Carlisle…yes, _the_ Carlisle…no mom I'm not covering….no you can't talk to him…fine…" He passed the cell to Carlisle. "She wants to talk to you."_

"_Hello…yes this is he…uh-huh…uh-huh….a blue shirt…uh-huh….uh-huh….my wife says so, too…no…no…stop…I'm giving you back to your son."_

_Tyler took the phone back. "Hey, mom….yes…no…I don't know….I don't think they fight….they seem happy…yes, very pretty…Hello?" He snapped the phone shut. "She hung up." He explained, dejectedly. _

"_Uh-huh."_

"_So if you don't have a stake," Tyler went right back on topic. "What could you substitute it with?"_

"_Improvise." Carlisle humored him further. "But you have to be sure they're a vampire, you can't go shoving pencils into your friends at the drop of a hat." (Or sandbag, but that's not foreshadowing or anything.)_

"_So a pencil would work?"_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_Cool."_

"… So then his wife gave me cookies and he showed me out."

"Cool."

"Yeah." Eric said, wide eyed.

"As I said, I feel very in-character." Tyler concluded.

"Yeah." Mike grumbled as the bell rang.

"Mr. Cullen, would you mind staying behind for a few minutes?" Mrs. Egnartsel called as the students filed out.

"Sure." Edward replied as he gathered his book and walked up to her desk, Bella by his side.

"Miss. Swan, this may take awhile, you don't need to stay." Mrs. Egnartsel said as she turned her eyes on the pallid girl at her target's side.

"Bella, do you want to go?" Edward asked in his velvety alluring voice.

"No. I'm fine here." Bella replied, smiling slightly.

"So, Mrs. Egnartsel, what exactly did you want to see me for?" Edward continued, turning his eyes on the pretty, but creepy, teacher.

Bellatrix, deciding that she wasn't going to let some little girl deter her from her task, made her voice devilishly seductive and began her job.

"Oh, Edward, do call me Bella."

"Bella?" Edward and the original Bella said at the same time.

"I thought you said your name was Alleb Egnartsel." Original Bella stated.

"Alleb is Bella backwards." Edward mumbled quietly, staring cautiously at the pale, dark-haired teacher. He flickered his eyes up to the board where her name was written, quietly staring at her surname.

"Enough with the preliminaries." Bella number two said as she jumped up onto her desk and laid down on her side, hitching one spiky heel behind the other as she propped her hand up against her head. "I'm Bella and I have way more tricks up my sleeve than this little one here does."

"Are you trying to seduce my boyfriend?" Bella number one questioned, staring angrily at the woman who claimed they shared the same name.

"Egnartsel… L-E-S…" Edward continued to murmur, trying to figure out the new mystery that is Alleb Egnartsel.

"So how's about it Eddie? Why don't you let me take you to my lair?" Bella number two giggled. "Lair of love that is."

"Don't even think about-"

"L-E-S-T-R-A…"

"Think about it, just you and me, possibly some of my death eater buddies, a bed of power…" Bella number one slid her hand up the side of her leg.

"Death Eaters? Aren't those fictional characters in Harry Pott-" Bella number two wondered aloud.

"L-E-S-T-R-A-N-G-E… Lestrange?" Edward finished, his brain clicking in realization. Grabbing his girlfriend by the arm, he drug her towards the door. "Come on Bella, we are so ditching this class for the rest of term."

"Ditch?" Bellatrix yelled after them. "I'll write you up for this!"

"I'll just flirt our way out of it!" Edward's silvery voice echoed back.

"Yeah, something that woman is obviously incapable of doing right." Bella's grumble made it back to her as well.

"I can too flirt!" Bellatrix pouted as she jumped up and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Ha! I haven't seen you snag Voldie yet…" Draco strolled into the classroom, his duck head under his arm, smirking at her.

"I'm married, Draco."

"So? It's so obvious that you want our master."

"Shut it duck boy."

Just then, the walkie talkie sitting on the desk began to static before the station cleared and a familiar voice rang out…

"Egnartsel? Are you there? This is Yoflam."

"Yes, I'm here." Bellatrix growled as she picked up the walkie talkie. "What do you want?"

"I just got word from Eugnotmrow, we're pulled from the mission."

"Yes!" Draco cried as her tossed the mascot heard to the floor.

"What?" Bellatrix shrieked. "Why?"

"I have no idea, but we're to be back at headquarters by tonight." Lucius replied calmly.

"But we haven't caught any of the vampires yet! And the play is tomorrow night, we could catch them in the act!"

"Literally." Draco snickered but stopped abruptly when a stapler hit him in the side of the head before crashing to the floor. "Ouch! You just threw a stapler at me!" He accused. Bellatrix ignored him as she continued to glare at the walkie talkie.

"It doesn't matter." Lucius continued. "If we're not back to the manor by nightfall, we can all fear for the worst." More static declared the conversation ended.

"Ah! So close!" Bellatrix screamed as she tossed the offending object I the air, drew her wand and called out "Reducto!" Pieces of plastic showered over them as Draco reached for her wand.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" Bellatrix asked, pulling her wand out of his reach.

"I need to borrow your wand, the big one broke mine." Draco explained.

"Well, you're not having mine."

"But-"

"No buts. We'll get you a new wand when we get back. You heard your father, if we're not back by nightfall we can expect the worst."

"Oh yes, like I couldn't live without playing Risk with you guys for a month…"

* * *

"Edward?" She whispered gently. 

Without looking up, he pressed his lips to her jugular and just before he got the chance to pierce her pale skin with his sharp white teeth, there was a loud 'bang'.

Mina gave a bloodcurdling howl at the sudden noise.

Dracula lifted his head from Mina and hissed at the three men who had burst into the room at the sound of her scream.

As John rushed to protect his beloved wife from the demon, someone threw open the stage exit door and a stream of daylight hit the stage, enveloping him in a cloud of brightness.

"Argh!" He shouted as the light hit his face, blinding him temporarily.

"Aha!" Dr. Van Helsing ran on stage and leapt towards John brandishing his index finer. "I knew it all along! They walk among us!"

The cast members on stage just glanced at each other, trying to figure out what was going on. This most definitely was not in the script.

"The monsters of our nightmares are in fact a reality!" Dr. Van Helsing continued his ranting as he gazed out into the audience. "The ones that suck your blood, turn into bats in the blink of an eye, and burn in the sunlight! Ladies and Gentlemen, behold," He spread his arms wide.

Off-stage, Rosalie went to go bursting onto the scene to shut up the delusional doctor but Esme and Alice grabbed her arms, dragging her back into the darkened wing.

"Holy Crow!" Mina whispered under her breath.

"Crap, he's going off script!" Quincy exclaimed quietly.

"Shit!" Dracula hissed as he drew his cape closer around him. He swiftly grabbed Mina's hand and turned towards the left wing.

They got about two paces when Dr. Van Helsing yelled out "Michael Leslie Newton is a vampire!"

Everyone went deathly silent.

After a moment, the entirety of the cast, crew and audience cried "Leslie?"

Mike's face was mortified.

Backstage, Esme, Rosalie and Alice had burst out laughing. _Foolish mortal_s Meanwhile, Mina and Dracula, their escape forgotten, stared dumbstruck.

"Dr. Van Helsing," Mina composed herself from the shock and attempted to stay in character, "Don't you me _he," _She pointed to the vampire beside her, "Is a vampire?"

"She's betraying us all!" Rosalie cried from backstage.

"You know, _Dracula_?" Mina continued.

"Don't try and trick me!" Dr. Van Helsing shouted.

"Yeah," Dracula indicated to himself, also trying to help the situation at hand, "Don't you mean _I'm_ a vampire? I _did_ try to suck Mina's blood before I was so rudely interrupted…" He trailed off, feeling put out that he didn't have enough time to sneakily plant a small kiss on his girlfriend's throat.

"I know what I saw!"

Mike, finally having everything that happened in the past five minutes sink in, decided to take action.

"Dude, you promised not to tell!" Mike exclaimed at Dr. Van Helsing.

"So you admit it?"

"Admit that my middle name is-"

"That's not the point!" He protested. "You're a creature of the night that must be vanquished!" Quickly, he grabbed a pencil from the props on a nearby desk and advanced on Mike.

Quincy Morris and Dr. Stewart grabbed the back of Dr. Van Helsing's coat despite his protests of "We must destroy him!"

Up in the catwalks, Eric, in a final Looney Toon scheme to destroy Edward and capture Bella for himself, grabbed a sandbag, not having any anvils around, and attempted to drop it over the edge in a position for it to fall directly on Edward's head, for the second time in less than a month.

However, his fickle attempt was foiled when Emmett appeared on the other end of the catwalk, armed with a long bamboo pole. He poked Eric a few times before withdrawing it.

"Give me the sand bag." Emmett growled.

"No." Eric spat viciously.

"Give me the sandbag." Emmett growled again with a little more force, baring his teeth.

"No!" Eric yelled. He wasn't giving up without a fight.

"Give me the sandbag you little mortal!"

"Mortal?" Eric asked, his face twisting into one of confusion. Emmett nodded his head in confirmation.

"No! They've multiplied!" In a moment of panic, Eric lobbed the sandbag at Emmett.

He missed.

The sandbag landed with a boom a few feet from Tyler. Everyone looked up to the catwalk, from which the giant chandelier was dangerously swinging.

"Are you sure we're just not haunted?" Quincy asked.

"If we are, the ghosts seem like they're out to get Tyler." Dr. Stewart shrugged and pointed in Dr. Van Helsing's direction.

"Shut up Aaron!" He cried back, clearly getting a little shook up.

Tyler thrashed around, trying to free himself form the grasp of his fellow cast members. "He's a vampire! We must kill him! Just like Lucy! Remember the play? We have to kill him before he-"

THUNK!

A second sandbag hit Tyler on the head.

"Is there a Doctor in the house?" Quincy asked as he stared out at the audience.

Carlisle, who had been trapped in a fit of silent laughter and hysterics, composed himself and ran onstage to help.

* * *

"Rosalie, what are you doing?" Edward asked as he finished wiping the remains of his stage make up off in Carlisle's office at the hospital, paying attention to his sister for the first time since they had arrived. He had decided that removing the junk his sister had smeared on him was almost as annoying as when she forced him into pictures with Jessica, Angela and Lauren, putting him in overly provocative situations. If it had been with Bella on the other hand, he wouldn't of minded so much, but no, Rosalie had insisted to getting pictures of Dracula and his three brides. 

Rosalie put down her copy of _The Half Blood Prince _and turned her attention to Edward.

"Just gathering evidence that Snape is a vampire."

"Snape is not a vampire." Edward stated. "Just because he lives in the dungeons, pops up out of no where, wears all black, and doesn't go out in the daylight does not prove that he is a vampire."

"But after Lupin's return to class after Snape gave the werewolf lecture, he gave one on vampires, proving that he knows something we don't; or should I say, _you_ don't?" Rosalie retorted airily.

"Snape is as much a vampire as Mike Newton will ever be."

"Or Tyler Crowley. And I plan to keep it that way…" She trailed off, still implying that Snape, Mike, and possibly Tyler were vampires, or soon to be.

"He just has a concussion, there is no reason for anyone to bite him. We don't just bite anyone you know."

"Better safe than sorry."

Rosalie got up from the office chair she was previously sitting in and began riffling through Carlisle's filing cabinets.

"What are you looking for?" Edward asked suspiciously.

With an "Aha", Rosalie extracted a single file.

"What's that?"

"Tyler Crowley's file." She said dismissively as she began flipping through it.

"Rosalie…"

"Oh… Interesting; he is allergic to penicillin…"

"Don't even-"

"Hey, we were almost discovered because of him!"

"It would be more suspicious if he died."

"I suppose you're right." Rosalie surrendered looking crestfallen as she returned the folder back to its home.

"Come on, let's go and meet up with the others." Edward sighed as he headed for the door.

"Where are they?" Rosalie asked as she followed him out into the crowded hallway.

"In Jasper's room."

Together, they moved quickly through the crowded halls of the old hospital until they came upon the hallway harboring the room their brother was supposed to be situated in.

"What's all that noise?" Rosalie asked as they made their way towards the end of the hall.

"Who knows…" Edward replied offhandedly.

"It sounds like it's coming from that room." Rosalie stated as she pointed at the room numbered 1021. "What number are we headed to again?"

Edward pulled a small slip of paper out of his pocket and frowned upon seeing their destination.

"1021."

"That can't be right."

"Well, it says right here," He said gesturing at the piece of paper, "That it is."

"But Carlisle said that Jasper is in a room of his own."

"Maybe they needed the room for someone else. Come on, let's check it out." Edward pushed open the door and held it open so Rosalie could enter first.

"Always the gentleman…" Rosalie muttered sarcastically under her breath.

Edward rolled his eyes as he followed her in and let the door swing shut.

They were both met with an unexpected sight. In the bed nearest the door, Jasper lay surrounded by the rest of the family. Emmett and Bella were standing next to the bed laughing over something, extremely loud. Esme was sitting at the end of the bed, staring at her husband who was standing nearby, filling out some forms. Kneeling by Jasper's head was Alice, talking exuberantly about the night's events.

What surprised them though, was that in the bed closer to the window, Tyler was nestled under the covers, mumbling about vampires and how he 'almost had him'. He was surrounded by the rest of the cast and crew, asking questions about his outbreak on stage and how his head felt.

Then, in the final bed in the room, the one closest to the window, was a boy; his head of short light brown hair sticking up from under the covers where the rest of his body was concealed. He was turned away from everyone and appeared to be unconscious. It also seemed as though people were avoiding his bed like the plague.

He had but one companion. Beside him was a bleach-blonde girl about the same age, holding his hand. Next to his bed was a stuffed krumple-horned snorkack (which looked suspiciously like a Rhidon from _Pokemon_), with a happy face balloon tied to it's horn.

"What's going on?" Rosalie asked, stunned.

"I have no idea…" Edward trailed off as he stared at the group of students, still in full costume, and the mysterious sleeping boy.

At Edward's last remark, Emmett stared at the two arrivals from his place beside Bella and waved to them like crazy.

"Eddie! Rosalie! It's about time you got here!" Emmett said as they made their way over.

Edward growled under his breath at the use of the nickname his brother's had given him.

"Never call me that again." He growled as he wrapped a protective arm around Bella's shoulder.

"What's going on?" Rosalie asked as she glanced around the overcrowded hospital room, even though it was probably the biggest one in the old residence.

"Well, since Carlisle had to take Tyler away from the school, he decided that he should keep him in the same room as me so he could keep watch over both of us." Jasper replied nonchalantly.

"What happened to you anyways? Are your powers back?" Edward questioned.

"Not quite, but they should be soon." Carlisle said as he moved over to Jasper's bedside, still holding his clipboard. "It seems that Jasper obtained some sort of flu and put his powers on hold. He should be back to normal soon, though I'm not exactly sure how he got the flu in the first place; generally our type can't catch such menial illnesses."

"You hear that Jazz?" Alice began as she poked his arm, "You'll have your powers back soon enough…"

"Powers?" Mike asked, turning towards the Cullens, lifting his eyebrows.

"Yeah, his…" Bella started but was quickly cut off by Emmett.

"Powers to get a strike every string in bowling!"

Everyone just stared at him. After a minute, Rosalie regained her composure and mouthed the word 'bowling' to her husband in a questioning way.

"Of course! Jasper here," Emmett continued, pointing to his bed-ridden brother, "Is an amazing bowler; but then when his cold kicked in, he lost the power to bowl non-stop strikes…" He trailed off as everyone turned back to what they were doing.

By now, Bella and Alice were giggling uncontrollably.

"Smooth move bowl-man…" Edward spat sarcastically.

During this exchange, Jasper kept staring uneasily at the boy in the corner.

"Carlisle," Jasper said quietly as his 'father' looked up from his clipboard, "You never told me, who is that boy in the corner? I've been sharing a room with him for over twenty-four hours now and you still haven't told me his name."

"Oh, I completely forgot about him!" Carlisle exclaimed as he glanced over at the bed in the corner. "That is Theodore Nott. My old friend Albus Dumbledore sent him here yesterday evening to see if I can cure him. He seems to have fallen into some sort of eternal sleep."

"Hold on one moment," Edward said as he raised his hand in the air to stop Carlisle's explanation, "You mean _the _Albus Dumbledore, as in the _Headmaster of Hogwarts Dumbledore_?"

"Yeah." Carlisle concurred.

"So you mean, that place is _real_?" Bella cried out in realization.

"Of course."

"So that would make her…" Esme trailed off pointing to the girl beside Nott.

"Luna Lovegood!" Alice exclaimed as she bounced up and down on the bed. "She is too cute!"

"Oh my Carlisle -, I mean Merlin -, I mean, oh my freaking god!" Rosalie screamed as she started going into hysterics, completely oblivious to the awkward stares she was receiving. "Carlisle, please, you _have _to get me Malfoy's autograph! He is my idol!" At that, she dropped down to her knees and started hugging Carlisle's legs, muttering 'please daddy please' over and over again.

"I'll see what I can do Rosalie. But I'm afraid that right now you are going to have to let go of me so I can go and try to wake him. I had the lab technicians mix me up a little something earlier, now if I can only remember where I put it…" He mumbled as he put his clipboard down on the bed and started digging through his pockets.

Rosalie reluctantly let go and walked back over to Emmett, where she gave him a swift punch to his shoulder for laughing at her little outburst.

Seconds later, Carlisle extracted a small vial filled with blue liquid from his breast pocket.

"Here it is." He stated as began walking over to Nott's bed, his family and Bella in tow, excluding Jasper.

As they approached, they could hear Luna talking to Nott softly.

"Look Theo," Luna reached under a box of open Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans on the bed-side table and held up a notebook, "I printed off some coast to coast AM transcripts… I broke a rule." She said but her smile didn't reach her eyes.

"What rul-" Emmett began as he reached the be but stopped dead when he saw the open box of jelly-beans, "Oooh, candy!"

He grabbed the box off of the stand and began popping the beans into his mouth.

"Emmett, what are you doing? You can't eat candy and you know it!" Edward stated plainly.

"Why can't he eat candy?" Mike chimed in from a couple of feet away.

"Because-" Bela began but was, once again, cut off by Emmett.

"My dentist told me not to!" He cried.

"All dentists say that…" Mike continued, "And no one ever listens to them."

"I know. Don't tell him, Shhh!" Emmett put a finger to his lips before resuming popping the candy into his mouth. "Eww! Vomit!" Emmett yelled as he spit one out.

Edward snickered. "Serves you right," He mumbled.

When he reached the bed, he gently pulled down the covers and turned the boy onto his back. Without hesitating, he opened his mouth slightly and poured the liquid down his throat. Everyone stood stalk still for what seemed like forever until the boy shot up from the bed, breathing deeply. He looked around at everyone in the room and then straight into the eyes of Doctor Cullen.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Where is Pansy? And Malfoy? What about Drakie? Loony didn't follow me did she?" Nott asked as he took in deep breaths.

"Silly Theo, I'm right here!" Luna shouted in excitement as she threw her arms around his neck, choking him off.

"Miss Lovegood, if you would please refrain from choking my patient in my examination room, it would be greatly appreciated." Carlisle said blandly.

Luna looked crestfallen.

"Although, once you are in the lobby I technically can't stop you."

Luna perked up.

"And don't worry Theodore, everything is fine." Carlisle assured him as he laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Who are you supposed to be? McBloody?" Nott asked as he glanced at the pale doctor.

"What?"

"You know, like on that show…"

"Yeah, I know that, but why McBloody?"

"You are a vam-"

"Cardiologist! Anyways your Headmaster sent you here for me to help you. For some reason, you had fallen into eternal sleep."

"But if I was in eternal sleep how am I awake now?" Nott continued frantically. "And where exactly am I?"

"You're up now because I cured you, and you are in the hospital of Forks, Washington. Don't worry, your head of house should be by to pick you up later on tonig-" He was cut off by a loud _CRACK_ and a puff of purple smoke.

Out of the smoke, walked the one and only, Professor Severus Snape; in all of his evil glory. He swiftly strode over to Nott's bedside, his black robes billowing out behind him.

"Professor Snape!" Nott cried out in glee, "Merlin am I glad to see yo-"

With a flick of Snape's wand, Nott and Luna (and the Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, much to Emmett's dismay) had disappeared into thin air.

"Cool!" Alice exclaimed.

"Thank you Carlisle," Snape said snidely, "Good bye you miscreants." He sneered at all of the teenagers staring at him in awe.

In a sudden movement, his cape was wrapped tightly around him and with another loud _SNAP_, a bat appeared where the potion's master had been standing. Everyone gasped as it flew out of the open window, into the night.

"I told you so!" Rosalie smirked as she laid down on the now empty hospital bed and once again, began flipping though _The Half Blood Prince_.


	27. Love Potion Number 9

**A/N: The rules are now going out of order. This is rule 46: I will not ask Professor Snape when we will be making love potion number nine.**

* * *

"Professor Snape," Nott said as he raised his hand, "When are we going to learn how to make love potion number nine?"

Snape looked slowly up from the papers he was grading.

"What, pray tell, is love potion number nine?" The bewildered professor questioned.

"Well, it's a potion that is mixed up in a sink and makes the drinker fall in love with the first person they see." Nott replied knowingly.

"Mr. Nott, is that even a real potion?"

"I don't know. Can I go to see if you have any in the store cupboard?"

"Will it get you out of my sight?" Snape asked getting irritated. Nott nodded a silent yes. "Very well then." Snape said before returning to his papers.

Nott got up and trudged towards the cupboard. As he passed Ernie he heard a hushed whisper but didn't stop to acknowledge it.

"At least wait until the middle of the chapter next time before you break a rule…" Ernie hissed at Nott's retreating back before throwing a chocolate frog at him.

"Ouch" Nott groaned as the frog hit his back before falling to the floor. He bent down and stuffed it in his pocket.

"Mr. MacMillian, did you just throw a chocolate frog at Nott?" Snape asked shortly.

"So, we're not allowed to throw things at Nott?" Draco asked with a frown.

"I see your point Mr. Malfoy." Snape responded. "Carry on, Mr. MacMillian."

Nott, unmiffed by the conversation at hand continued on his quest to find love potion number nine. When he opened the door a deafening sound met his ears…

"I hate you! You're a Gryffindork and a mudblood!" Pansy Parkinson yelled at a close-to-tears Hermione Granger.

"And I hate you! You're a Slytherin and you're mean!" Hermione retaliated.

"Was that supposed to hurt my feelings Granger? Honestly, you suck at insulting."

Meanwhile, ignoring the fight between the two girls, Nott began scanning the shelves and tossing random potions and spell ingredients over his shoulder.

"Lionfish Spine…nope…"

CRASH! He threw it over his shoulder.

"Dragon heart…not that…"

CRASH!

"Unmarked Pink Potion…not this one…."

SMASH!

"Tube worms….no…"

CRASH!

"Body swapping potion? Why does Snape have this lame plot device in his storage cupboard?"

CRASH! POOF! A cloud of purple smoke appeared.

"…not that one…."

Pansy and Hermione coughed.

"What happened?" Pansy asked oblivious.

"I feel funny." Hermione stated.

The smoke cleared.

"Hey how'd that mirror get there?" asked Pansy.

"I don't remember my skirt being this short…."

"I'm having a very bad hair-day…" Pansy reached up and felt her hair, she ran her fingers throw it, or tried, because her fingers got stuck half way.

"Ahhhhhhh!" The 2 girls screamed in unison.

"We've switched bodies!" Hermione screamed.

No shit.

"I can't be a mudblood! That will ruin my reputation! What will Draco think?"

"Draco's not going to think anything because he's not going to find out!"

"But we need help!"

"We need to get back to class!"

Hermione who looks like Pansy forced Pansy who looks like Hermione out of the cupboard. "You can sit by Ron."

"Eww! NO! I'm NOT sitting by a Wesley!"

"Well I'm not to happy about sitting by Mr. Pretty Boy."

"You lay one grubby little hand on him and I'll kick your arse!"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't lay a finger on that scum-bag in a zillion years!"

So Hermione who looks like Pansy sat beside Draco and Pansy who looks like Hermione took the seat between Harry and Ron.

"Are you alright Pansy? You look a bit sick. That mudblood probably infected you…honestly." Draco said as he reached over and rubbed her back. Hermione tensed up at his ice cold touch. _I can't believe it! He's touching me! He's touching me! I am so going to need a shower after this! I think I'm going to throw up in my cauldron! He's touching me…Eww! Eww! Eww! Eww! Eww! _

"What's wrong with you Pansy?" Draco said as he stared at her quizzically while he draped an arm around her shoulders. "Have you been into the firewhisky again?"

"Bad sushi." Hermione muttered trying not to wince knowing that Pansy would probably melt at the sensation. Draco ignored her answer.

Over at the Gryffindor table, all potion making was forgotten as Harry and Ron bombarded Pansy who looks like Hermione with questions.

"What happened in there?" Harry asked exasperatedly.

"Did she hurt you?" Ron asked worriedly.

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a mudblood…" Wailed Pansy quietly.

"But that never bothered you before?" Ron quipped trying to make her feel better.

"Well I've never had hair that looked like a sheepdog's before!"

"I like your hair?" Harry tried, but Pansy just burst into tears.

"And Draco will never love me again!" she sobbed.

"What?" Ron shrieked.

"You love Malfoy?" Harry cried.

"We'll ne-never get married and-and have little evil children…and I'll never become a Death eater!"

"Not you too!" Harry yelled. "Ron being one is bad enough!"

"I am not a death eater!" Ron protested. "I was asleep! It was Nott's doing I tell you! Nott!"

On the other side of the room, Draco had gone back to bashing Granger (who was now Pansy) and began getting closer to Pansy (who is now Hermione).

"Why are you acting this way Pansy? I really think that mudblood did something to you! Did she pour some powder over you while you weren't looking? How about draw her wand and mutter a spell? You're really not acting like yourself!" Draco ranted.

"You know Draco, Hermione's not really that bad." Hermione tried to defend herself.

"WHAT?" Draco gasped at this new side of Pansy (who is really Hermione). He grabbed her shoulders and began shaking her back and forth. "WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO YOU?"

"Mr. Malfoy, I know you like Miss. Parkinson and all but could you please leave the personal displays of affection for the abandoned aisles in the library? I really don't want to see you two fondling each other." Snape ordered.

"This will only take a moment, Professor Snape." Draco turned to his "girlfriend". "WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO YOU?"

In a moment of sheer panic, Hermione, who Draco thinks is his evil girlfriend, pretends to faint. She goes limp in his arms. Draco slowly drops down to his knees and places her gently on the floor. "Oh my true love! The Mudblood has slain thee!"

"Perfect! Now I have my chance!" Blaise said.

"What?"

"To see you speak Old English of course!"

"I read this story where this chick pricked her finger on a spinning wheel and this guy kissed her and she woke up?" supplied Ernie.

"It's brilliant!"

Before Hermione could open her eyes Malfoy had swooped in and pressed his lips to hers.

"Get your hands off my boyfriend!" Pansy who looked Hermione and Harry shouted in unison.

"I knew you were gay!" Shouted Ron.

"I'm mean, get your hands of Hermione's boyfriend….whoever he may be…"

Hermione who looks like Pansy shoved Malfoy off her (who fell to the floor) and stormed over to the "trio". "Ron, Harry isn't Gay!"

"It worked!" yelled Draco from the Dungeon floor. "And why are you associating with the likes of them?"

"Why not? They're my friends!" said Hermione who everyone thinks is Pansy.

"Were not your friends!" said Harry. "You're evil!"

"But I'm Hermione!"

"Then why did you just snog Malfoy?" Ron yelled.

"Yea, you just kissed me!" Draco hollered, getting up from his spot on the floor.

"Only because I panicked!" Hermione who looked like Pansy defended.

"But he's my boyfriend!" Pansy who looked like Hermione said.

"So you're my girlfriend?" Draco said walking over to the bushy haired Pansy.

"Yes!"

"So you mean I just kissed Granger? Eww!" He spat after wiping his mouth on his robes. "Now I'm infected too! My father will definitely hear about this!"

Snape, who had barely said a word until this point, was sitting at his desk watching his students bicker back and forth in an amused manor.

"So if you're Hermione and you're Pansy," Harry said pointing to each girl in turn, "That means that…"

"We switched bodies!" Hermione and Pansy yelled together.

"OOOOHHH!" the class chorused.

"How are you going to get right again?"

"I don't know?"

"I have a plot device in my store cupboard?" Snape said suggestively.

"I have it!"

Nott burst out of the cupboard, a bottle of purple liquid clutched in his hand.

"Give it to me!" yelled Hermione who looks like Pansy. She downed it in one gulp.

"But-" Nott tried. "Okay, whatever, do what you want…."

Draco once again grabbed Pansy's shoulders (who was still Hermione) and shook her.

"Pansy, is it you?" Draco asked hopefully.

"You're so handsome…." Hermione grabbed the front of Malfoy's robes. "What's your name?"

"Pansy, it's me…Draco."

"There is no way that sexy voice could ever be used for spitting out evil thoughts!" Hermione gushed.

"Thanks?" Draco said in an awkward tone.

"Your hair is so shiny…and your eyes…oh, I could just get lost in them." Hermione who looked like Pansy continued.

"Professor Snape, may I be excused? I'm going to take Pansy back to the common room until she feels better." Draco said as he began leading 'Pansy' towards the door.

"No Draco, I want to stay here with you!" Hermione grabbed Draco by the tie, swung him closer to him and began snogging him to death. When she broke away, Draco was breathing heavily.

"Now that's the Pansy I know!" Draco exclaimed as he regained normal breathing.

"No it's not! I'm Pansy!" Pansy, who still looked like Hermione shrieked.

"Then why does Granger keep trying to snog me?" Draco yelled furiously.

"That's because she took my potion!" Nott yelled out.

"Mr. Nott, what was in that vile that Miss. Granger just drank?" Snape asked as he stood up and tried to restrain Hermione who still looked like Pansy who was trying to jump Draco.

"What you are witnessing Professor, are the effects of LOVE POITION NUMBER NINE!" Nott stated gleefully.

"What?" Everyone yelled together.

"I told you it was real!" Nott said. "Anyways, as I said earlier on, it makes the drinker fall in love with the first person they see; who in Hermione's case, was Draco."

"Well how do you fix it?" Draco cried.

"I don't know. Ask your beloved potions master." Snape glanced around at the scene before him before letting go of Hermione and dragging Nott back to the store cupboard to try and find an antidote. Taking the fact that Snape had left into account, Pansy who looked like Hermione lunged at Hermione who looked like Pansy and pinned her to the ground. She began scratching at her face and Hermione yelped in pain.

"How dare you snog my boyfriend you filthy little mudblood? I swear on Merlin's name I'll have your head if it's the last thing I do!" Pansy screamed as she continued to harass Hermione. Draco came up behind her and pulled her off. She was kicking her legs and flailing her arms around like a madwoman.

"Put me down Draco! I want to give her exactly what's coming to her!" Pansy hollered.

"No Pansy, it wasn't her fault! Although it would amuse me to no end to see her get her arse kicked, I'm afraid Snape might disapprove." Draco replied still holding the wriggling girl. At the sound of his name, Snape emerged from the store cupboard with Nott in tow. He was carrying three vials; two containing a blood red liquid and the other holding a clear one. At the sight of Draco holding Pansy who looked like Hermione, Snape had to make a comment.

"Mr. Malfoy, what did I say about no PDA?" Snape growled.

"She was trying to kill Hermione sir. And if I'm not mistaken, bloodshed would be quite hard to clean up."

"True." Snape mused before holding out the vials. "I have the solution. Potter, Wesley, give this to Miss. Granger." Snape handed Harry the vial with the clear liquid. Ron held Hermione still and forced it down her throat. She gave a sudden jolt before losing the lovesick look. Next he handed a vial of the red potion to Harry and one to Draco. Without hesitation they poured it down the girl's throats. All of a sudden, Hermione who looked like Pansy and Pansy who looked like Hermione both went limp.

"Not this again!" Draco mumbled.

"You two could always try kissing them again…" Harry said to Draco and Ron.

"But we don't know who's who!" Ron said. "There is no way I am kissing Parkinson!"

"And if I have to kiss Granger again I think I'm going to be sick!" Draco added.

"Just leave them be." Snape piped up. "This will only take a few minutes." Everyone stared at the two lying on the floor. Minutes passed by before Hermione's body gave a small groan. Pansy's body slowly opened her eyes. Her hands immediately flew to her hair and she ran her fingers through it without a problem.

"I'm me again!" Pansy said as she sprung up from her place on the floor into Draco's arms.

"And I'm me!" Hermione squealed as she jumped up into the open arms of Harry and Ron. Draco, on instinct began kissing Pansy, knowing fully well that now it was actually her.

"Save it for later you two!" Snape yelled causing the two to break apart.

"Well, if your back to normal, that's all and well, but how did you two swap bodies in the first place?" Ernie asked bemused.

"Well," Hermione started as she let go of Ron and Harry, "Pansy and I were in the store cupboard insulting each other when this weird cloud of purple smoke appeared. Nott was in there two. He was obviously looking for something because he kept saying things like 'not this one' or 'nope' as he tossed bottles of tubeworms and body swap potion over his shoulder."

"Body swap potion? NOTT!" Pansy yelled turning to stare at the shaky Slytherin. "You were the one who turned me into a mudblood?"

"And made Granger snog me?" Draco yelled.

"And made us think that Hermione confessed her undying love for Malfoy?" Harry screamed.

"Or made us think she wanted to become a death eater?" Ron added.

"Maybe…" Nott said as he twiddled his thumbs and began a quiet whistling. Hermione turned to Pansy with an outstretched hand.

"Truce for a little while until so we can kill Nott?" She asked chirpily. Pansy stared at her hand before accepting it hesitantly.

"You know that once he's dead I'll just go back to calling you a mudblood and insulting you day in and day out, right?" Pansy stated.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Now, let's get down to business…" The two girls began running towards Nott. He gave a high pitched scream before running out of the dungeon.

"Give him a few jinxes for the rest of us!" Draco called behind them.


	28. Broom Closet Blush

**Rule #84:** **I will not lock Draco and Harry into a broom closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.**

* * *

Hannah stood in stealth mode behind the open door to one of the second floor broom closets. She wasn't there long before Nott came strutting up to her.

"Hey Hannah, what are you doing with a galleon on a fishing rod?" He asked as he gestured to the pole in her hand.

"You'll see soon enough." She replied. "It shouldn't be long now."

The two stood in silence. A few minutes later, Harry Potter came walking down the hallway. Draco Malfoy was following him probably throwing out the occasional insult.

"Hey! Malf-" Nott began calling out to his friend.

"Shhh!" Hannah shushed him. "Just be quiet for now alright?"

"OK."

As the two students approached they both noticed the single coin.

"Hmmm, a galleon." Harry said as he began walking at a faster pace.

"Hey Potter, I saw it first!" Draco yelled running faster to catch up.

"No, I did!"

The two were almost at the hiding spot of Hannah and Nott when Hannah tossed the pole into the closet. When Harry reached the door to the broom closet he stopped dead in his tracks causing Draco to run into him.

"Hey Potter, watch what you're doing!" Draco yelled. "Why have you stopped?"

"Because the sign told me to." Harry replied calmly.

"Sign? What sign?" Demanded Draco. Harry pointed to a messy sign hanging on the inside of the door.

"Please lay down wand upon entering…" Harry read aloud.

"What? No way! I'm not dropping my wand, especially with you around…" Draco stated blankly.

"Now!" Hannah yelled.

"Expelliarmus!" Nott screamed as he jumped out from behind the door. Both Harry and Draco's wand fell to the ground. Hannah took this to her advantage and pushed them inside the closet as Nott slammed the door.

"Colloportus!" She yelled. The door locked.

"Hey let us out!" Draco screamed from the inside obviously noticing that he'd been tricked.

"Why don't you use your wand?" Harry asked.

"They took my wand! And yours too if you didn't notice!" Draco yelled.

"Not the wand you'll be needing…" Hannah said suggestively.

"Let us out!" Pounded Draco.

"Open the damn door!"

"No!" Said Hannah. "Not until I complete my experiment…"

"And what may I ask could THAT be?"

"You'll find out soon enough…" Said Nott apparently cluing into what rule Hannah was trying to break.

"What is this bloody experiment?" Yelled Harry.

"To see how fine the line between love and hate is…"

Silence.

"What the bloody hell?"

"Ow…Potter, that was my foot!"

"Getting cozy aren't they?" Hannah cocked an eyebrow at Nott.

"What's that?" Asked Harry.

"What's what?" Draco retorted.

Silence.

"Do you hear anything?" Hannah asked pushing her ear up against the door.

"No, it's too dark." Nott replied doing the same until Hannah glared at him. "What?"

Pause…

"Are those…condoms?"

Pause…

"I know what you're up to you sick, SICK people!" Called Draco through the door.

"But why would we need condoms?" Harry asked still keeping his cool.

"Better safe than sorry!" Hannah said.

"I CAN'T GET PREGNANT!" Screamed Draco.

"Safety first kids." Nott replied as Hannah collapsed into a fit of giggles.

More pounding on the door…

5 Hour Elapse…

"I refuse to lose my virginity to Potter!" Draco yelled.

"I'll throw Nott in there if you like." Hannah snickered.

"Throw me in? I'll throw you in!" Nott replied.

"NOTT? Nott's out there?" Draco hollered.

"You can't throw me in," Hannah began. "This experiment is to see if hot GAY sex will occur."

"Oh. OK; as long as I don't go in the closet…"

"Don't worry, no broom closet shagging for you," She snickered. "For now…"

"What?"

"Nothing…"

"Is Nott out there or not?" Draco demanded.

Silence…

"Let's check on them." Said Hannah opening the door. Inside, Harry and Draco had finally given up and were lying on opposite sides of the closet. "Hmmm, no shaggage. Let's mix up the variables."

"What?" Muttered Nott as Hannah grabbed his arm and launched him into the closet before slamming the door.

CRASH…

"Owwww!" Draco screamed. "Oh, hey baby…I knew you'd come around." He drawled.

"What? Come around? I'm not Potter!"

"What the bloody hell? NOTT?"

"Err…Morning sunshine?"

"I'm going to kill you and when I get out of here that girl you were with is gone too!"

CRASH! BAM! SMASH!

"Draco, I really think you should reconsider!"

"Never!"

Hannah listened to the commotion inside before pulling out her clipboard.

"Note," She jotted down. "Slytherins like it rough…"


	29. Do you Believe in Magic Balls?

**Eleen: I'm sick and stuck in bed and reading Pottersues so I've dusted off the ol' _150_.**

\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/

Nott was elated as he rushed to tell Blaise the reason why he was running into Divination so elated.

"Blaise!" Nott cried, rushing to his seat, elated (that children, is what my English teacher calls a misplaced modifier).

"Nott," Blaise turned his attention from the house he was building out of Tarot cards, "Why are you so elated?"

"Grandpa Nott came through!" Nott extracted from his book bag a piece of parchment, proudly. Blaise snatched it out of his hand and began to read. "I shall, at dusk, finally wed my true love Pansy Parkinson!"

(If you remember Nott wrote his grandfather at the end of the sexual lubricant chapter)

Blaise looked up from the parchment explaining his friends' arranged marriage, "And she agreed to this?" The Slytherin could barely contain his doubt.

"Not yet. But she will! As you can read, her family informed her this morning. All I have to do is show up at the lake at five and the Parkinsons are taking care of everything." Nott was animated as he began to extract items from his book bag and added, "They've very happy their daughter is marring into my family."

"I'm sure they are but…" Blaise paused for a beat. "Don't you think she might be caught a bit off guard?"

"But…I've made no secret to her of my feelings."

"And she's made no secret of hers." Blaise pointed out, referring to Pansy's point-blank refuses and occasional violent threats that were always the response to any advance made by Nott.

"She'll get over that, I have it on great authority," Nott seemed unperturbed he reached into his bag and bulled out a shiny plastic ball.

"What's that?" Blaise couldn't help but ask as his classmate shook the strange ball forcefully.

"It is my new found secret, fool-proof way of acing Divination. I got it through Owl-order. Watch," he ordered as he whispered to the ball, "Will Pansy arrive at the Lake tonight a Blushing Bride?"

Nott flipped over the ball and peered through a tiny plastic window slight obscured by a dark bubbling liquid. Soon, they two boys could make out a single word:

Definitely.

"Isn't it wicked?" Nott gushed. "Just look at my homework!" He shoved their latest worksheet from Professor Trelawney.

l. If Mars is in its sixth house will there be a strong chance of peril?

Absolutely!

2. If Venus is perpendicular to Uranus will all children born on Mondays have good luck for the next fortnight?

My sources say no.

3. If your Great Grandmother has a long Love Line and a short Life Line will you find true love?

Ask again later.

Blaise looked up at Nott.

"Seriously?"

"Yep. So I've got nothing to worry about." Nott explained, confidently. "Pansy will show up, we'll get married, be bonded for eternity and all her doubts of me will Vanish. At least, _definitely_ after our wedding night."

Nott winked dramatically, but the cocky smile melted of his face a second later. He looked like a man suddenly stuck by an epiphany, and not pleasant one.

"What?" Blaise asked at his sudden drastic change of expression.

"I have to go shower."

Nott quickly gathered all his belongings into his bag including the magical ball. He pushed his homework over to his friend.

"Here, you can copy my answers, they're sure winners," he offered quickly before tearing down the aisle and dropping through the trap door, leaving Blaise to sigh in an almost bored manner. All the drama around him was getting boring, he felt very condescending where it was concerned.

Frowning at Nott horrible answers he muttered to himself, "This can only end badly."

\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/

**Rule #23: I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.**


	30. The Power of Rat Spleen Repels You!

Pansy gazed out the underwater window of her dormitory. She'd just woken up, and after opening the door to let the room air out, she'd taken to gazing out the watery porthole. Like the common room, a few of the dorms possessed small, enchanted windows that allowed a priceless view into the murky loch. It was really quite beautiful, until you caught Grindylow watching you dress. Pansy was about to begin her daily morning routine when she heard the soft call of an owl. She spun around and squinted out the window.

Upon realizing owls couldn't swim she turned to see as one swoop in through the open door and land on her bed.

"It's Mama's Owl!" Pansy cried and rushed forward to gently extracted the letter from the owl's beak. Relieved of its burden, the owl flew off out the door.

Pansy wasted no time in opening her letter. Awoken by the commotion, her friends slowly began to gather around her.

"Dear Pansy," She read for their benefit, sure the letter would contain something fabulous for them to be jealous about, and she was not disappointed. "Father and I were most elated to accept an offer on your behalf in the terms of a marriage proposal. You see, Pansy, your sweetheart had written the head of his family and expressed interest in taking your hand. We all sat down and talked it over and deemed it a good match."

Pansy squeed and began jumping on her bed.

"Draco! Draco! Draco!" She chanted with glee. "I can't believe him! I'm going to marry Draco Malfoy! I'm going to be Mrs. Draco Malfoy!"

Daphne Greengrass, one of her roommates, picked up the fallen letter and continued to read, "The ceremony will take place at five this afternoon at the Lake."

"I'm going to marry Draco Malfoy _tonight_!" Pansy shrieked with fear and snatched the letter from Daphne. She continued to read her mother's tidy scrawl. "Do not fret, dear. Father and I are taking care of everything. All you have to worry about is making yourself all pretty for your special day! Everything you need will be sent to you by owl. Good luck, we'll see you tonight. Love, Mother."

The room erupted into squees. Except for Millicent who magiced some earplugs and went back to bed.

"Oh my Merlin! Oh my Merlin! Oh my Merlin! Oh my Merlin! Oh my Merlin!" Daphne hyperventilated. "I can't believe it, you're getting married!"

"This is, like, so bloody cool!" Tracey Davis, Pansy's other friend cried, clapping her hands.

"I'm going to be Pansy Malfoy! _Pansy Malfoy!_" Pansy soon-to-be-Malfoy yelled. She turned to her friends and said, "You guys are going to be my bridesmaids and Draco will get Blaise and Nott to be his groomsman! And at the Lake at Sunset? It's going to be so romantic! But, we've only got nine hours!" As Pansy calmed down, several packages and bags were tossed through the door by a fleet of Owls.

"Ladies," Pansy said, the other girls hushed and they all gazed at the mounting pile of wedding supplies, "we've got work to do."

\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/

"Good day, Fred."

"Good day, George."

The twins greeted each other in the sprawling corridor of the forth floor, their arms laden with books. The turned and began walking towards the Library.

"Lovely day for a trip to the Library, don't you agree?"

"Indeed, my good fellow."

"We don't spend nearly as much time there as we ought to."

"Too true."

Just then they spotted a familiar bushy head headed in the same direction as they were. They sped up until they were both right behind her.

"Hermione!"

"Good morning!"

"Morning Fred," She said, evenly. "George."

"We're just heading off to the Library," Fred informed her.

"Returning some books," George added.

"I presume that's where you're headed?" Fred asked.

"You presume correctly," Hermione said. "And I pleased that you seem to be taking your studies seriously this year. Let me know if you need any help."

They had arrived at the vast dusty cavern that was Hogwart's Library and Hermione headed swiftly off to the Charms section. Keeping an eye out for Madam Pince, Fred and George hurried off into the Defense Against the Dark Arts section.

"Okay, Fred," said George, "some of these are bound to feel right at home here."

Fred and George quickly squeezed several books onto the shelves. They asked a first year for directions to the Muggle Studies section and left there a book on Halloween. A book with a buxom witch on a broomstick went into the well trampled Quidditch section and so on. The twins then decided to venture deeper into the Library, which was a lot bigger than the originally assumed. They past departments devoted to Goblins, Wizarding Law, Magical Creatures, they left a green book with a deck of cards in the Ancient Rune section. As they neared the dustiest and the most desolate sections of the Library they spotted an extremely attractive and slightly familiar girl leaning against a shelf fiddling with a small white (clearly Muggle) electronic device. The twins remembered they had seen her introduction in the Great Hall and her attempts to team up with Harry, telling him she had the key to defeating Voldemort. They also heard Ginny had tried to strangle her once.

Noticing the two boys approach, Maridith-Suzanna carefully extracted her ear-buds and let a smile spread across her face. She slowly pushed herself off the shelf and dropped her iPod into her purse which matched her eyes perfectly today. She sashayed and reveled in her own beauty as she watched the Twins watch her swaying hips.

"Hey," she said simply, but she really didn't need to worry about saying anything too complicated, what with a body like hers.

"Baby, they should lock you up in Azkaban…"

"…Because you just stole our hearts."

"Oh, boys!" Maridith giggled. "I do love twins! What have you got there?"

Maridith picked a book off of George's pile and examined the title.

"_Spells for Love_?" She read aloud in her musical voice. "Brewing up something naughty?"

"Back!" Hermione suddenly sprung out from behind a bookshelf brandishing a spray can. She held down on the nozzle and a faint smell of broccoli filled the air as a clear mist was released from the can. "Back, you!"

Maridith shrieked and dropped the book. She held her designer purse over her severely straight auburn hair and perfectly proportioned face and retreated down the aisle as fast as her high heeled boots could carry her.

Hermione turned and glared at the twins.

"What were you going talking to her? Did you not get the house-wide memo I sent out? Stay away from her!"

"Why?" The twins demanded in unison.

"Because! She's an unnatural abomination! And as soon as I figure out how to destroy her she's….destroyed!"

"Destroy her?"

"Why?"

"The Library has a very limited selection of books on the subject!" She informed them, not really answering the question, her tone slightly hysterical. "The only thing I've been able to come up with is this repellant."

"What's in it?"

"Mostly rat spleen and proper grammar. The later was extremely hard to come by. I've been hunting her. She likes to lurk in the lesser visited sections of the Library and wait for students to seduce and rape."

"I really wouldn't mind…."

"…To be perfectly honest."

"She's hot."

"Very hot."

"Hot? You're lucky I came in when I did! We don't know what kind of diseases it could be carrying." With a threatening glare that reminded them of their mother and a farewell spray of repellent to the twins' crotch areas, Hermione disappeared off towards the section Maridith had escaped into. After a moment of silence, Ernie Macmillan emerged from another shelf. He had a book bag slung over one shoulder and was also carrying a can of repellent. He tossed a chocolate frog at the twins and then headed in the opposite direction.

The twins ignored his presence.

"I'd still shag her."

"My junk smells like Broccoli."

\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/\V/

**Rule #24: I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the Library shelves. **

Disclaimer: All books mentioned and or alluded to are those of Silver Ravenwolf and not the creation of this Fanfic (neither is Harry Potter and its characters and concepts in case you didn't get the house-wide memo). The Mary Sue repellant is mine, however, and should only be brewed under the direct supervision of a certified Potion Master.


End file.
